Can I come in here and have a meltdown please....?

[siblingrivalry]

...I know it's a safe place

I've had a really rough few weeks, for reasons too long to go into, and today I feel like it's all caught up with me. It was other family stuff, not related to DD1.

DD1 (AS) is having a really bad time, with her anxiety issues and OCD. This is linked to SATS at school, mainly. We are going to HE her at the end of this school year (Y6) and I am confident that she will be calmer;etc once she is out of school, but in the meantime it's hell I am seriously worried that I won't be able to find the strength to keep going.

DH is an undiagnosed Aspie, who is really stressed at work and therefore his anxiety and OCD type behaviour is also going through the roof.

As a result of months of them both being out of sync, I am utterly exhausted and drained in every sense of the word.
This morning, DD1 was getting dressed and she was getting worked up about the labels in her cardigan/whether it matched her dress perfectly/was the button a bit loose and so on. It seemed like the last straw and I ended up going to our room and bursting into tears.

I'm just so bloody sick of the constant issues and having to 'firefight'. I have strategies in place, and I dread to think how things would be without these, but it's such hard work.
I've spent the last hour dreaming about going to a remote cottage, totally alone, for a month (is there a 'pie in the sky' emoticon?)

So that's it really. I just needed to get it off my chest, I think. I don't really have anyone to offload onto atm, so this place is a Godsend

Thanks if you managed to get through my whinge!

for you

i understand.

on days like these DD doesn't get dressed at all, as long as she's wearing underwear clothes don't matter.

i cry a lot, on my own. and then come onto this section and someone makes me a virtual

do you work outside the home at the moment, until you HE?

Would it make sense for her to quit school now instead of the end of the year?

I realise she'd miss out on lots of post SATs fun stuff - but she may not find them fun anyway....

Sphil and I were just saying how stressed our kids with SATs.

I don't think DSs stress levels will really settle down between now and Christmas......

Anyway. Sending you a hug and a and a

Thank you Unchartered
My eyes actually filled at the virtual cuppa-think I'm a tad emotional?

I work two days a week and am going to continue that when we HE-DH is going to fit his work pattern around the days I'm working.
Work has actually been my salvation, even though it's a very demanding job physically and emotionally, because it allows me some time out.

I'm not happy that other parents go through the same, but I'm kind of relieved to come here and not even have to explain all the ins and outs-people just 'get it'.
If I can ever return the favour, just shout up.

Does my new name tell you how I'm feeling at the moment?
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_luqszgHnMP1qbv4q2o1_400.jpg

Sometimes it is very difficult to keep going, especially if you know that there truly isn't an alternative, and so coming on here to have a scream and a stomp is an excellent idea. Constant firefighting, constantly on edge, where you thought something was clear sailing and then suddenly there's yet another minute problem that they can't move past.
With DS this morning it was The Wrong Sort Of Black pen for writing up A level stuff.
A dozen choices and all the Wrong Sort.
He's painting instead now, but he'll have to go and get The Correct pen tomorrow when the shops open.
AARRG! Happy Easter Sunday, Stomp Stomp Stomp.

I used to cut all the labels out of his clothes BTW.

Thank you Indigo.
DH and I have decided that of DD's stress levels keep on escalating, we will take her out of school straight away.
Her teacher is very 'highly strung' and easily irritated, IYKWIM, and so this all rubs off on DD. Talking to her teacher has been like talking to a brick wall.

DD thins that she has to get 5a's in all her SATS (she is at this level for literacy) and nothing we say or do will convince her otherwise. Then, she came home with a folder of old papers to be completed over the holidays
I can only say that this caused the mother of all meltdowns.

DD wouldn't be bothered about the other activities, but she has a couple of friends (well, her definition of friends ) that she says she would miss.

We are keeping a VERY close eye on her and will dereg if it gets worse.
Thanks for listening everyone, it means more than you know.

I will pop back later, we are off to see family for a while. Have a lovely afternoon, everyone.

just knowing people understand means so much, doesn't it?

DH has been off most of last week, and he admitted last night he's finally 'clicked' and can see exactly what DD is all about - we tried to do a bit of housework together and she had an hour and half long meltdown because we needed to vacuum. (offered her ear defenders, but it wasn't the right thing ) he's far more enlightened about share of housework than most other men i know, but he said he hadn't realised the knock-on effect of DDs ASD.

Fallen, your post made me smile -the wrong sort of pen is a frequent issue in out house
The world ends if it's a 'smudgy' pen.
I think we have to keep our sense of humour don't we-gallows humour and all that?
Your post eloquently summed up how I'm feeling,thank you.

On the subject of humour-thank God for the 'delete' button on here. DH just told me for the tenth time today that he need to cut his toenails tonight and instead of exploding, I typed 'F**K OFF' repeatedly on here!

DS too is convinced SATs are vital - despite everything I say.

If its just her 'friends' she'll miss, is there anyway she could see them out of school - and quit school now?

Guess it'll be very hard if the friendship isn't recepricated.

They don't all go to girl guides or some other after school activity she could join, do they?

Anyway, at least you know you can take her out of school any day you choose. You don't have to give the school any notice.

And have a bunch of spring to go with your cuppa, theyre the best type as you don't have to find a vase, nor water them, they're hypoallergenic and don't alter anyone's routines.

I'm wondering if interim flexi-schooling would help (officially or unofficially... you could make a reasonable case for 'ill' given she's this anxious, ie feeling distressed and unwell). Or if a really good childminder might be a temporary solution for your 2d/week if dh can't change hours for a bit.

Ds2 and dd's takes ds1 for me now and again, she's so used to toddlers that shes fine with the adhd and asd: to her meltdowns, bouncing about, needing routine, being unable to see other points of view etc are her day job. ds1 is just larger and cleverer than his little brother, but overall similar workload (more backchat but less throwing food )

lawks, am quite dreading SATS and the like

i'm a bit of a lefty not sure the results are being used to the best option (testing teachers/league tables on 11yr olds ) and have qualms about keeping DD out of the loop, but i know she'll be one of the ones fretting and stressing

i've thought about home ed, but i like the space school gives us all

*NO qualms

Here's some and a to go with another "virtual" hug. You have a lot, a LOT on your plate. If you're feeling that close to the edge, do you have a Special Needs Social Worker in place or any funding through Direct Payments?

I've recently got both. My son has asd (high functioning, not genius but conversant and reads/draws well). In MS school. Diagnosed age 4 but, additionally diagnosed with OCD at 9. This has floored us in terms of his stress/anxiety levels.

We got nothing in the way of practical help because I, as a nurse, always presented a "can do/can cope" front. Eventually, I saw my MP to ask him why, if my son didn't qualify for any assistance in any way, why was he so isolated and anxious and why was I having sympathy with the very sad lady who, together with her 12 yr old autistic son, jumped off the Humber Bridge not long ago, in a state of utter despair?

I got help. Payments that give me 4 hrs of assistance per week so I can "breath" and they also do a bit of reading and homework with him after school. In september he goes to a mainstream secondary with asd unit attachment. He's stressed to the eyeballs with school but..... We have to keep going. One day. Then the next. Then, the one after that. You're not alone, love.

Thanks so much, everyone. I know it sounds dramatic, but I am actually crying reading these kind, thoughtful responses.

DD had a meltdown at the family gathering-very close family who are supportive;etc (I wouldn't have attempted anything but this at the moment).
She is so fragile, I feel like she is on the edge and it's time to act-I need to think about how to best help her.

I will come back to answer you all properly a bit later-some great points have been raised- when the dds are in bed. Thanks again

Think about it logically, what harm will it do her to stay in the system and what harm will it do her to step out of it for a while?
You need to look after your own stability and peace of mind, I have an un-dx Aspie husband who trots along his own path oblivious, and a DD with many traits including OCD and anxiety and the rest. I'm the glue, if I come unstuck the whole thing will fall to pieces. It sounds the same with you.
Firefighting can't be a continuous state of mind, you will crack.
KS2 SATS are nothing, secondary schools are always having new students join from abroad and having to do assessments during the year they join. Not having a SATS result at 11 is very small beer. The teacher sounds unhelpful, we are very fortunate in that all of DS's teachers have been very proactive and excellent listeners.
You need to think about how you will keep her in a learning pattern, so that she continues to be educated in one form or another.
How could you keep up the friendship links that she has already if she's not in school?
But come back here, because as you already said, it's good to know that you are not alone, that others have been where you are and come through and that people will listen and not judge.

'we are very fortunate in that all of DS's teachers have been very proactive and excellent listeners.'

Well, not his PE teacher, obviously. Or his MFL teacher either. They were both arses.
What sort of twerp asks 'What do you think about learning French?' to an Aspie and then gets furious at an honest answer? And gives them a detention when they try and justify what they said with detailed explanations of why French is impossible? Ah well, long ago and far away.

Hi, I'm back-dds are watching a dvd in bed as an Easter treat.

Indigo I don't really think the friendships at school will be an issue-dd never asks to see them outside of school and she has a couple of long-standing 'friends' outside of school who we will set things up with.
DD has never been able to cope with Guides or anything, because she's been too drained from school, but I'm hoping to introduce these activities to her when we HE.

Maria I'm glad ds2 and dd can help with ds1-I smiled at your descriptions, very familiar!
I think flexi schooling would be something we would look at if it started to unravel-depends on the HT of course. It's definitely a consideration though.
We have never been able to use a childminder, because dd just can't 'keep it together' in front of strangers, but is utterly mortified when they see her melting down

Unchartered I am a definite lefty and personally detest SATS and all that they stand for. And I have also enjoyed the space school gave us, until the point came when the trade off was having evenings/weekends of hell.
However, when we HE, although I know dd will be much happier, I will have to admit that I will miss the space and time to myself. It's a balancing act though, and we will hopefully all benefit from it.

Eliza thanks for the flowers
Like you, I am in a profession where I am always seen to cope and to know what to do. For the most part, things tick along.

I am really, really wary of intervention, though, after a very scary experience with Camhs 3 years ago. It's too long a story to bore you with, but basically they accused me of being obstructive because I refused to let my self-harming and suicidal dd be sent to a hospital school (when school was the cause of the self harming etc) and they tried to raise CP issues.
When I formally complained, all concerns were seen to be catagorically unfounded and I received a grovelling apology, but now I just can't trust these agencies. I may be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but it just scares me too much.
So glad you have got some proper support though-it's always nice to hear positive stories.

Fallen we have similar lives, don't we?!
Again, your post resonated with me and I am starting to realise that we can't keep drifting.
I am going to send her back to school after Easter and give it one week only. If there's a decline, I will take her out. Years ago, when she was self-harming and wanting to die, I had so many regrets that I had let things go on for so long. I am determind not to let that happen again.

As for oblivious DHs-mine is currently watching the golf, utterly absorbed. When I flopped into the chair after settling the dds in front of a movie upstairs, he asked why I sighed

Time to crack open the Easter eggs, I think.

If I could I would share them with you all. Thanks so much, I was fearing for my sanity earlier and this board has helped me so very much. Thank you all x

If we have similar lives my lovely, then may things end as well for you as for us so far. One DD at uni, happy and organised and interacting with her peers.
One DS in his first year of A levels and truly happy. Especially as I found an unopened packet of The Right Pens in a drawer.
Just focus on what the really important things are, when my DS hit Y7 like a feral werecat, my only thought was to keep him out of an EBD unit. He's come so far!
OH and I are in our 29th year of a relationship, he doesn't watch golf but would have asked the same question with a puzzled air. [bugrin]