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SN children

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Original poster

Have you had to let go of friendships made when your child was small?

24 replies

used2bthin · 03/04/2012 08:18

I mean with friends who have NT children. I had a really good group of friends who we saw almost every day when the children were small. A few of us have moved and the children are at different schools so it was never going to be the same but I am finding it more and more difficlut as the gap gets wider.

DD still plays ok one on one with a few of them but its mostly the younger siblings of the original children iyswim and things are just so different, my life is full of worry over appointments, medications and whether dd can stay at mainstream school, how much support etc etc and I feel I am whining if I talk about it too much.

Now DD has always had the medical issues so that hasn't changed but I bet people are bored of it now! And its mainly the developmental stuff, she just can't keep up with thier play and language and as nice as my friends are they can't make thier children adapt thier play. And its a scary reminder of how mainstream must be for her every day.

So maybe the best thing is I just see these friends when the children are at school. Dd has always had such a good social life (!) so I am sad that she is seeming less able to cope, parties are hell etc. Maybe the answer is more SN stuff out of school? What have others done?

OP posts:

SallyBear · 03/04/2012 17:27

I gave up some friends in my Ante Natal Class who would stop talking if I entered the room, and would look at DS3 and say patronisingly (as they couldn't think of anything else) "ahhhh bless him". Bugger off!

appropriatelyemployed · 03/04/2012 17:32

Well, I lost 'friends' when we were effectively forced out of our local Ofsted 'Outstanding' Primary school by our National Leader of Education Head Teacher.

Everyone at that school moans about her but they put up with her lying, nastiness and bullying.

I tried to keep in touch with people as we all live on the same residential estate but they soon dropped off the radar.

I think there are friends you meet in life and who stick with you and there are people you know. The school lot were always in the last group so it's no great loss.

SallyBear · 03/04/2012 17:49

That's pretty much what I felt about Ante Natal!!

flowwithit · 03/04/2012 17:50

Yes I would say this happened to us too. I had a good group who had children similar ages. As they got older my Ds couldn't keep up was still emotionally and socially very immature, the gap seemed to widen so much that getting together was difficult I was conscious that my Ds was always the one falling out or spoiling the games for the others. I had to be supervising all the time so it was hard to have a proper adult conversation. I felt stressed and embarrassed sometimes so it just wasn't worth it.
I was very conscious of not always talking about my worries about Ds and just talk about normal things but....
Eventually they invited us or had outings less and less as I'm sure they found it hassle too. Now they are all in different secondary schools I don't see them at all which I feel sad about but I guess i realised they weren't really proper friends. Now I only have small group and 1 proper friend , who is not judgemental at all! I see them only occasionally without my children.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 15:50

I saw the group of friends last night and dd was about for a bit but they were all child free and made a big fuss of her.

I am due my second baby in June and others in the group are having babies too so I guess there will be more in common again and time to meet up while the older ones are at school.

Sounds like others have had bad experiences with this-it is so hard isn't it, not sure its always worth the upset after.

Its so hard to talk about normal stuff isn't it sometimes and I also find it hard when they talk about things thier kids do and say as its so far oof what dd is able to do.

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devientenigma · 04/04/2012 18:21

I haven't give up on anyone, however sadly they have all given up on me, including friends with disabled/SN kids.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 19:20

devientenigma sorry to hear that are you sure? I think with SN groups it can be hard because IME sometimes they are quite close knit groups and comfortable as they are, I have found it quite hard to get involved at some.

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devientenigma · 04/04/2012 20:05

yeah, they are fine with me but when it comes to stuff involving our kids, we are dropped. One friend even told me it was because of DS and his problems why she couldn't come with us any more.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 20:11

Oh no poor you that must have hurt!

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devientenigma · 04/04/2012 20:13

it did at first, however a few year down the road I am now used to being a loner, stuck in the house 24/7 with DS.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 20:24

Oh dear sorry to hear that. I don't know how old your DS is or his issues but really feel for you both-its not nice being treated like that by friends.

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devientenigma · 04/04/2012 20:29

no worries, he is difficult and it's not fun for anyone so can't blame them. He's 11 and primarily down syndrome.

aniseed · 04/04/2012 20:58

I've lost friends mainly because they don't understand or don't try to understand. I have been hurt by their comments about my ds which has made it difficult to sustain the friendship. My ds is currently being assessed (loonnngg process) and the past year has been a very worrying time. I try to stay positive but obviously this is a big part of my life. I find the comments most hurtful, e.g. he is fine what are you worrying about, yes my child does that so he can't be SN, he will grow out of it, fifty years ago he would have just been considered odd! Yes, but he is not as bad as so and so etc etc. I don't expect people to understand but to try would be nice. Funnily enough most of my friends have children with SN or work with children with SN.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 21:10

I agree, I think people are often trying to make me feel better but its not nice having to justify my concerns and actually I said once look I think I need to just accept now that DD's problems are real and she isnt magically going to improve.The friends agreed with me and things improved after that.

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aniseed · 04/04/2012 21:18

That's a good idea. What else do people say? I don't want to be rude because I think these people are trying to be nice. It just doesn't come across that way. I could do with some one-liners I could say in these situations that aren't rude but might change perceptions and reduce ignorance.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 21:25

yes me too, I tend to get defensive and take everything as a criticism of my parenting. I was just saying on another thread about when people say maybe dd is a bit lazy when it comes to talking (she is five and a half and can't make herself understood beyond a few repeated phrases due to severe SLI) . I tend to say but she has to work harder than most just to say something she wants to say.

It is frustrating isn't it. I am sure I get critisised for being softe on dd's behaviour but when I have explained how hard it is not knowing why she is doing things, what she understands, what is caused by the drugs she is on etc people do seem to get it more. I just havent the energy or patience to stay calm all the time and respond helpfully.

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jardy · 04/04/2012 21:26

My ds was severely brain damaged and how I wish I had with hindsight avoided the antenatal group instead of putting on a brave smile.It did my head in,all the moans about their sore nipples,etc They hadnt got a clue.I kept going,visiting the coffee mornings,and inviting them to my house for coffee mornings.Inside I was resentful and heartbroken.At least two told me I hadnt accepted the situation,as they misread my smiley positive attitude.Still hurts.Yes SallyBear,been there

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 21:31

jardy the lowest I have ever felt was after a "first babies" group. Listening to the up half the night type concerns and wishing that was all I had to worry about. Then lots of friends had second babies and somehow I seemed to be the one who had it easy because I only had the one!

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jardy · 04/04/2012 21:45

Aw good luck with your new baby x

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 21:48

Thanks. I am hoping this next one is more straight forward to look after! Though part of me feels a bit scared at the prospect of NT children world!

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SallyBear · 04/04/2012 22:08

When we were first married we had a huge group of friends. Then in 1999 we had the twins. DTS and DTD 5 weeks prem. DTD was born with Treacher Collins Syndrome, and we noticed after a year that our circle of friends had diminished rapidly. People just didn't know what to say to us about her. It's true what they say "when you need them, you find out who your friends are".
I feel better off without them.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 22:15

Thats sad, sallybear. But you are right, if people are really friends they stick around. I think my pre dd friends have in some ways been the best because we still have our past in common but I did stop seeing some.

I don't want to distance myself and dd from good friends but feel it just doesnt work for the children to play together and can't put dd in a situation where she feels inadequate.

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devientenigma · 04/04/2012 23:17

one of my best friends lost a child after heart surgery at 4.5 yo. When my ds was born and she found out he had a heart condition, she took a step back obviously, then near the 4yo she fell out with me. We are back friends again (when it's no kids allowed) and it wasn't until last year she told me my ds has the same heart condition as her ds.

Original poster

used2bthin · 04/04/2012 23:27

oh that sounds awful for you and your friend, and its good she told you what it was about in the end rather than leaving you wondering. Can see why she would worry about letting you know its the same.

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