How do I tackle this with my brother??? very long and rambling.....

[nothinginthefridge]

Quick run down - my DS2 has specific learning difficulty, language difficulties, dyspraxia, poor working memory and possibly ASD (sorry I do struggle with difference between ASD and Aspergers). DS2 at language provision.

I have 3 brothers. so...

Nephew 1 has similar probs, brother 1 taken him out of mainstream school and is paying for private schooling with specialist SN class (wasn't prepared to wait for whole statement process etc)

Nephew 2 - similar probs, brother 2 has head in sand and has 'he'll be fine' mentality. Works for brother 2, not sure it does for nephew 2, but it's their decision.

Niece 3 - does very well at school, brother 3 does not even contemplate any difficulties. Niece is an only child.

Various other nieces and nephews and my other DS who are NT.

Hope you're with me so far.

Niece 3 and my DD are close in age and spend lot of time together. However, recently DD comes home crying every time she has been to Niece 3's house, saying she finds it difficult to get on with her cousin.

Problems are - niece only wanting to play her games, never wanting to do what DD wants. DD having to watch niece play on games on computer, as niece finds it difficult to take turns - niece will only play games she is interested in. Twice DD has hurt herself quite badly when playing out, DD hurt that her cousin appeared to be disinterested and never checked if she was OK. Niece talking incessantly about her interests. Very competitive and always needs to win. Tells DD that she is better than her at this and that. Niece being very interested in her set of littlest pets, needing full collection etc. Generally DD always having to give in to her cousin.

DD is more than happy when spending time with other cousins, friends etc including sleepovers.

Now my question (eventually, sorry). Am I reading too much into this? SIL says she needs to buy lots of things for her as she is an only child and therefore needs more toys etc. Is niece just finding things difficult because she's an only child (however DD has another friend who is an only child who is the complete opposite, very caring, good at sharing etc), is it purely down to my DD being too shy to speak up for herself, or could this be part of the family 'trait' of difficulties. Is my DD jealous of my niece's things? I don't think so, but we can always think the best of our own children can't we???

Agreed with my DD that she wants to continue to see her cousin but for a much shorter period of time, about 2 -3 hours at most, rather than lengthy overnight sleepovers etc. How do I tackle this with my brother?

I think I could talk to my brother as we are close and explain the difficulties but I think my SIL would probably take this quite badly and I really wouldn't want to upset either of them.

If I don't say anything, then that will appear odd when I start to turn down sleepovers etc.

Would you want a family member to talk straight to you, or would you prefer them to butt out???

What do you think? Am I reading too much into niece's behaviour? Is this just usual children/cousins getting on - or not getting on, type of behaviour?

Very, very sorry for long rambling post.

THAT is a tricky one because as your DN is an only child she is going to be in control of her playing, organising her stuff, with no need to share so it could well be that she is ok and just has socialising issues because of that.

Do the other cousins complain about her? Does she go out and socialise a lot? She is doing ok at school so no issues there.

Try reversing the sleepovers to your house for a change to observe what goes on before jumping to conclusions.

They could well take it the wrong way. If I am honest before I actually got it all sorted in my head and stopped the denial if a family member or infact anyone mentioned that they might be something wrong I would probably have bitten their heads off. It could well be different for your family owing to present experience with other neices and nephews though but I would have thought because there are other children in your family that they would have spotted differences themselves?

Also if your DD possibly has ASD it might be that she is having her own battle to adjust to another persons demands rather than her own. I know my DS really struggles with this.

Can't you just make sure you're not available for sleepovers, and if they ask just say "they've not been getting along as well lately ... getting older, developing different interests and all... so thought I'd give them a break for a bit." ?

Regardless of SNs or not, isn't that really what it is for the most part?

Thanks coff33pot. Yes the other nieces and nephews do complain about her and find her a little difficult to deal with.

We do have her to sleep over here, and I have to say she is exhausting. I can't really put my finger on why though. I do have to remind her to share, and play nicely, take turns etc, but I'm afraid of coming across as the mean aunt who is always on at her, so I try to limit what I say.

I spoke to DD today about how she felt when she stayed over at other friends houses and she says she does not feel the same way and is quite happy to spend time there. I am just getting my head around the ASD thing with my DS and have only tentatively given thought to my other children maybe showing signs of it.

Thing is I didn't spot anything with my son until he was 11 and I would have loved someone to say 'do you think......' .Mind you, that is with hindsight. I think the guilt I feel in not noticing is probably colouring my view.

I think the way I'd put it to B3 is more along the lines of that your DD is a bit oversensitive about some things (like sharing and being competitive and that sort of thing) which is probably because she gets a lot of stress of that sort at home, for obvious reasons, and so tends to choose friends who are the absolute opposite. So at the moment though she loves DN dearly, she's probably happier seeing her in small doses.

Covers the facts without making any judgement about DN's behaviour and whether it "means" anything. But if he's having doubts and needing evidence, you're not brushing it under the carpet.

r3 good thinking batman.

i think that might be a good way to tackle it. SIL is quite sensitive and could possibly stress and worry to the point she would make herself ill, so I am concerned. I really wouldn't want to make her ill.

Is there anything they do like doing together or at the same time? Eg horse riding. Sitting watching someone else play on the computer would suck.

Your poor B & SIL. Whether she's asd or spoiled they need to tackle her behaviour. Are your parents alive? Could they have a wee word?