What do you think? Sensitive post

[Gorta]

We have regular visitor to our house who is a teenage boy with moderate global learning difficulties. He is a nice boy but he has a habit of putting his hand down into his pants when he is sitting down. He does this all the time. His mum sees this happening but doesn't say a word. I have a ten year old daughter and I don't like this. It's really difficult to say anything to the mum she doesn't want to know and makes out Im the one with the issue. It's a difficult one and I don't know how to approach it. Am I right to feel uncomfortable

Yes, you're right to feel uncomfortable with it. It's not socially acceptable and the mother should be tackling it.

However if she's in denial and is not approachable you're only option is to ask her not to bring him to your house.

Personally, I don't think she's doing her son any favours by failing to address his behaviour.

Normally parents who have children with this sort of habit will try to distract and replace the habit with something more socially appropriate, partly for the child's benefit and so that the habit doesn't, erm, become any more socially unacceptable.

Difficult if the mum sees it as everyone else's problem though. Dd should be able to understand that the boy has little social awareness and does not understand that it is inappropriate though? She's old enough not to laugh etc.

Maybe you could try a bit of distraction yourself? Keep his hands busy doing something else whilst his visiting? It must be terribly boring for him to just sit and listen to women chatting?

Argh your

Wider society is not that tolerant when behaviors like this are displayed by teens/grown men.

For the child's sake I think you do need to say something before he does it on the street or bus and is violently attacked for it. He doesn't exist in a "bubble" and sad to say for the Mum she won't always be able to protect him from those who would punch first and ask questions later.

It'll also cause him to become more and more socially isolated as he grows (cos it'll make even the most compassionate types feel uncomfortable around him). Loneliness is a silent killer, and life is hard enough for those with disabilities.

It may be resolvable by giving him some bluetack or a tennis ball to fiddle with so his hands are occupied in a less intimate way. Or sounds odd but a nice soft hand muffler for comfort? Even if it takes her 5 years to do she needs to work on it as a priority before the accusations of "perv" start flying.

"It may be resolvable by giving him some bluetack or a tennis ball to fiddle with so his hands are occupied in a less intimate way. Or sounds odd but a nice soft hand muffler for comfort? Even if it takes her 5 years to do she needs to work on it as a priority before the accusations of "perv" start flying."

That's a nice positive suggestin bochead. Less mortifying for the mum.

My younger son is constantly fiddling with himself, rearranging his pants etc. He'll stand up in the middle of the classroom to do it! He's just got no awareness of those around him, or understanding that you don't rearrange yourself in front of people .

We all tell him to go off to the loo. We have to tell him every single time, because he just doesn't link last time he had his hands down his pants and you telling him not to with right now when he's got his hands down his pants. iyswim. He just knows how he feels and acts on it. Nothing more.

So when that's the case - you just have to stop them every single time, and hope that in the end, you will change the behaviour. But it's important to do something, because it's not socially acceptable, and it's therefore not helpful to them to not stop them.

Oh that really is a tricky one isn't it. Without a 10 year old dd you'd be feeling uncomfortable enough, but with, unfortunately I think you need to see it as unacceptable. I have no idea whether or not this boy can help it, but this is a case for his mother to try and sort out. It may already be something which she has addressed before and maybe she has just given in. I would be very surprised if she thinks that it's ok.

If you do decide to talk to her and I think you should, then keep it very light initially and see how that goes. What's your relationship to his mum?

The mother does need to take action. It is a habit and therefore will take him quite a long time to break it.
Giving him something else to do is a good idea, but you might need to say something to him if his mother doesn't. How old is he? The older he gets the less acceptable it becomes.

Thank you for all your replies. It is a family member. I will have a chat with the mum about it but any previous suggestions I have given are meet with a head in the sand approach. He is such a lovely boy he is 13. I am sad to think about what the future holds for him as he is already getting more isolated from his peers. He was outside yesterday trying to cycle my four year old bike. He really needs direction and time spent prompting him to break this habit. I do say something to him normally like ...take your hands out of your pants. I don't know if it has been addressed by his parents with him my guess is that it is just being ignored.I will give him a tennis ball the next time he visits and I do agree it is boring for him to be listening to women chatting.

I agree with the others that the older he gets the less acceptable it is and as he is already 13 his mum needs to at least try to tackle it. As HeCate says even if that means him being told every single time in the hope it sinks in eventually. If he did this in the company of people who don't know him and aren't understanding of his condition it could end very badly.

Has his mum found out if there are any activity clubs in the area where he can mix with his peers? I looked into this recently in my town and was pleasantly surprised with what was on offer. OBV some had waiting lists but there was more choice than I thought there would be.

I work with teens who have severe/mod learning difficulties (and have a 14 yr old with MLD too) and it's a constant problem!

Our approach is simple ' hands OUT , it's private' repeat every time. You aren't being offensive saying that and repetition is the only way forward.

• I also find myself saying it to my typical teen son and DH fairly often. MEN!!!