what help for the overly negative child?

[thisisyesterday]

ds1 is really wearing me down right now.
he is just SO negative about everything. I just think it must be so miserable for him if he genuinely feels this way

he hates school- it's boring
he hates his brothers
no-one likes him
his new toothbrush is rubbish
his easter hat he made was rubbish and won't win a prize
i never let him do anything

the list is, quite literally, endless. we cannot do anything with him or for him without him finding something wrong with it and complaining about it.
he spends his entire life being miserable because whatever thing he is doing right then is just bad and wrong and rubbish and he hates it all

he doesn't like his dinner, his DS isn't good enough, the hoover is too loud, he can't play outside because his leg hurts, he hates his room because he no longer likes space...

I just feel so down myself after dealing with him.
what can I do to help him? why can't he see the good things sometimes instead of always seeking out the bad???

does he have low self-esteem?

do you know, it's hard to tell

he often says he can't do things, or that he is rubbish at things.
but i'm not sure if that's becuase he actually believes that or because he is a bit of a perfectionist and is scared to get things wrong.

in some ways he is quite self confident, but in others id[ say yes he does maybe lack self esteem

Is he getting lots of feedback for his moans? Either sympathy or remonstrating with him. I know it sounds horrible but could you try ignoring moans but giving loads enthusiastic attention when he is being positive, even if that means you have to tickle him to get some good humour.

he probably does get a lot of feedback actually yes.
I know I shouldn't, and i try to ignore it but then after a while i just end up arguing with him, which is utterly pointless and helps no-one!

will try harder to ignore and move on, and to notice the positive things he does... good ideas, thank you :)

Dd3 can be like your Ds this . There is always something for her to moan about.

She drives us bonkers sometimes. We probably give her to much attention too. Its hard not too. I think i try to talk her up but it doesnt really work.

There is always something wrong with her too, sore toe, headache, arm ache you name shes got it. She is much worse when she is tired so end of term is yak.

No advice, sorry, just sympathy.

I have changed ds1's name to eeyore he's so negative! Although at school he is a ray of sunshine

Think I am going to have to go for the ignoring it strategy

apparently ds1 is lovely at school too!

I am making a plan of action now after googling ways of boosting kids self esteem! lol

I am also seriously thinking though about the possibility of getting some form of therapy for ds. I can't really afford it, but I think that maybe this is one of those things that the quicker it is "fixed" the better? The longer you go on with low self esteem the harder it is to help them perhaps?

Yep Dd3 is all smiles at school too, even though she tells me its boring and she doesnt want to go most days!!

I do think this is part of her problem though, she works so hard to fix the smile on her face during school hours that she just cant keep it up at home.

I am not sure about her self esteem, school think she lacks confidence but i dont really see that side of her. At home she has so much faith in herself she is never wrong about anything.

Same here. Just a MISER. All the time. Even when we go out for the day to the place that HE(ds1(8)) himself chose. Is so wearing. At school, he is an angel of light, apparently.
Yesterday, what sort of plan are you thinking of ? what sort of therapy are you considering?

ok. well have made up a list of key things that me and dp need to do to try and help build self esteem. these are as follows:

1.) be positive role-models. Try and be cheerful and look for positives even when things are really pissing you off and going wrong.

2.) be more outwardly affectionate towards DS1, even when (maybe especially when) he is being a miserable sod. Tell him every time he does something we're proud of, or when he has put a lot of effort into something

3.)Listen to his problems, but don't make a big deal out of them. example: if DS1 says he is rubbish at guitar then say something like "it's a shame you feel that way, but if you work hard you'll get a lot better. would you like me to help you practice?"

4.) Do more stuff with him and make him know that his interests are valid and important. (i really struggle with this and find it hard to play his imaginary pokemon games, but am going to try harder)

5.) encourage him to help his younger brothers with things and praise him when he does this nicely. let him know that he is good at things and that he can help others do them too

I am not sure what kind of therapy to look for right now, but I did find this site which is near us and sounds like it might be able to help.

I also got a lot of my ideas for my 5 points above from here as I am a big Dr Sears fan in general anyway and a lot of what it says makes sense to me.

I have to admit that I spend too much time on the computer and I "encourage" the children to leave me alone and play by themselves, which is something I really need to change. I have noticed before that DS1's worst patches coincide with times when I feel a bit crappy myself (have suffered from depression on and off forever) and I am giving him less time than I should and probably not being the positive role-model that he needs.

Your last post has really struck a chord with me. I too find myself encouraging the dc's to play and entertain themselves and I too have on/off depression which I think must certainly affect the mood of the house.

Think I will steal some of your ideas and give them a go.