Aspie non-compliance

[appropriatelyemployed]

DS is doing well at a lovely new school. But, one of the consequences of them being more understanding is that he is able to express himself more. He was completely closed down before and wouldn't say boo to a goose but he would sleep on his desk instead of working and they left him to it.

In the new school, he is starting to say when he doesn't like things but this is leading to the type of moaning non-compliance we get at home, where getting him to do anything he doesn't want to do can be a challenge. I am pretty hard about it at home and make him stick to violin practice and physio etc.

I pick my battles but those things I choose to be 'tough' about, I stick to although I use positive reinforcement as a motivator, he sometimes just needs to DO WHAT HE IS TOLD!!!!!!!

Anyway, DS walked out of class three times today about something or other and then got really distressed when he realised he's made a mess of the day - he gets overwrought about making mistakes.

I have had a good chat and I think there is some classroom stress there but there is also a feeling of just not wanting to conform and do numeracy or whatever.

We are getting an ABA consultant in after Easter and I am going to focus on positive reinforcement for sticking through things he doesn't want to do.

I think this type of thing is quite common for children with AS so I wondered how any others coped. Ideas please!

Hi yes, he does have a 1:1 and the ABA is coming into school so I am hoping we can do this.

In the meantime....

Closed questions - do you want to use the green pen or blue pen to do your numbers AppropriatelyJnr?

Counting down and gaining compliance - in 3 minutes we will pack up, then do our numeracy Appropriately Jnr. What will we do in 3 minutes?

Immediate positive reinforcement - e.g. collecting 'ticks' for doing things, so he can collect say ten ticks over the school day to get his reward.

Small asks --> big asks - get him in a compliant mood by getting him to carry out smaller instructions before moving onto a bigger one. So at home, I would say 'DS in 2 minutes we'll be doing homework, what will we be doing in 2 minutes?' 'But first DS can you do me a favour and come here for a tickle?' (or whatever he would like). 'Right, now lets do homework'.

Hope some of those help!

That is really helpful.

I tried a 'ticks' thing last week but I made it too complicated. They have been giving house points for things he does and he likes that.

Trouble is, he has just cottoned on to a 'sad/smiley' face chart in the class and now he thinks that if he is not on the smiley face chart, nothing he does means anything.

Children go on the smiley face side for being super good but he thinks that unless he is on there all the time, he's 'worthless' - his word

It's also complicated by the fact that sometimes he does need breaks as he feels overwhelmed but sometimes he feels he just doesn't want to do something as he can't see the point. Arrrrgghhhh.

I have said I will reward him each time he gets through something he doesn't want to do but I don't want him feeling like he's failed if he can't cope.

He is dreadful to talk to about it too as you can imagine!

It's because everyone who comes into the class can see the smiley face chart and that means everyone knows he's good....according to him

Sounds like his self esteem is improving. What were the consequences for him when he walked out of the classroom 3 times? or is this a strategy they use in school with him?

Oh he sounds so much like ds1!

He has been trying extra hard at school this year and desperately trying to be 'super good' for his new teacher - who he adores, then coming home and letting rip on his family. I swear she didn't believe me, until the past couple of weeks, when he has had other stuff going on, tired, coming down with a bug, we went away for a night etc and all of a sudden he started refusing to do things at school. Poor woman looked visibly shell shocked when I went to collect him last week and she'd pretty much had a whole day of him refusing to do what she asked him.

We have exactly the same language 'worthless' and 'hopeless' and 'useless' for describing himself if he gets so much as one thing wrong and 'the worst day ever' 'disasterous' etc for any day that doesn't go 100% to plan. His feelings diary has helped him to learn that there's good and bad in any day/week/month and nothing is all bad, but unfortunately not to be so perfectionist and hard on himself.

One of his favourite phrases is "Why should I? What's the point?" then no matter how much you explain why - or what the point is - he just won't have it. Like you, we pick our battles, but certain things are non-negotiable and he just has to do as he's told, whether he likes it or not - he doesn't like this, but he does accept it.

Ds also needs regular breaks from class, in fact both the EP and OT put it in their reports that it should be worked into his day, for physical, psychological and sensory reason. To facilitate this, he has been given the job of tidying the bookshelves in the corridor - which gives him a legitimate reason for being out of the class. He earns merit marks for doing this job as well - which boosts his self esteem. He also has a couple of regular jobs in the classroom and when he needs a break, he is able to go and do one of those - I think he has a particular bookcase he's in charge of in there, but am not sure what the other job. Teacher also tries to involve him in giving out sheets and books etc to make sure he's not just stuck at a desk for an extended length of time.

As for getting him through things he can't deal/cope with, rather than just doesn't want to do (although it's sometimes hard to know which is which) we try to break things down a bit. So for example he had a book review to do as part of a project homework, but did everything he could to avoid it, because he knew he couldn't explain how he felt about the book. The first thing we got him to do was just read the assignment brief and write a few words down that came into his head about the book. They were just a handful fact-based words - but we were able to reward him with an extra 10 mins nintendo time for complying and we left it there for that night. Next time we got him to put half of the words into sentences that answered a question on his writing frame - again 10 minutes earned and left it there. Then the same again with the other words and again a reward. Then over two night he transferred his sentences onto the actual writing frame and was rewarded each time.

I know it sounds like it was easy, but actually each step was like pulling teeth and involved lots of shouting and tears - but - he was able to be successful at each bite-sized element and ultimately at the whole assignment - which he proudly took into school today. I then let his teacher know how hard it was and she will most probably award him a merit mark for effort - so another positive reinforcement.

With the smiley face thing - could you suggest a three part system sad face, normal face and smiley face, representing not good, doing well and extra good - would that work?

Thanks moosemama, that is really helpful. Our boys do indeed sound very similar!

It's funny how their social skills can be limited yet they need feedback from others so much to let them know how they are doing. Perhaps it's part of the same problem. They can't glean that from a situation. Now, it's like nothing matters unless he is on the smiley face! Then everyone can SEE he is good.

He says he wants to be a vet and so I have explained to him that he will need maths and he seemed to be a little concerned by this or at least see some value in maths.

Interestingly, we have just been away for the weekend so that might have prompted today's outbursts - plus tiredness.

At least the seeing the real DS.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. They might have poor social skills, but that doesn't mean they don't want to be sociable. Ds is desperate to have friends and be liked, but has no idea if he's going about it the right way - or what he's done wrong when it all goes pear shaped.

He also needs constant reassurance from me that he is loved and that we love all three dcs equally - whereas all the other two need is a smile or a ruffle of their hair and they will positively glow with the knowledge that they are indeed loved. Its exhausting.

Focussing on one thing obsessively is another of ds's traits, total rigidity. If its something he feels is important then he will both pursue and find value in only that and refuse to even consider alternatives.

As you said, sometimes its a good thing for the school to see the real child, rather than the version of them where they are tightly controlling themselves and trying sooo hard to conform and please. I definitely feel my ds's teachers have had their eyes opened in the last couple of weeks and hopefully they will now think about the fact that his behaviour at home isn't something produced by bad parenting, but rather the real him coming out after a long day of trying really hard to be who they want him to be.