DD (5) ASD has been pinching children when they say they won't play with her :-(

[josben]

DD has not had an official dx but her Paed says she thinks she is ASD, she has always struggled to play 'with' other children but recently school have said that she is starting to play in small groups in the playground with help of the playleaders.

But she now gets upset if some of the girls say she can't play and has been pinching them.... I am at my wits end... a mum in the playground now blanks me and i heard one of her dd's say to her dd that is in my DD class 'you know you are not allowed to talk to 'x'" (my DD)

I just don't know what to do i have talked to DD about her feelings and i try to encourage her to say how she feels rather than pinch, or find someone else to play or play on her own...

I hate going to the schoolgates and feel like DD is going to be labelled a bully.

I have spoken to DD teacher abbout my worries (before the latest pinching on fri) and she looks at me like I am neurotic and said when i told her of my concerns 'DD's not the only child to be like that, we have to keep giving her gentle reminders not to do things like that'

Then on Friday after school DD told me that she pinched 2 girls in her class because they would not play with her. i am so upset by all this i know DD's teacher kept her in for some of afternoon break as a punishmwent - but what should i do now?

should i apologise to the girls mums? or make DD write a note to say sorry?

TIA

What a sad story. She's being punished because the other girls won't play with her. If school can't handle this, will they seek external advice?

Thanks for your reply Oodles, its a difficult situation, and I do think she needs consequences for her actions, maybe being made to stay in at breaktime might work.... but in the past, I have told her off, put her in thinking timeout withheld tv time, but she seems to forget the consequences of her actions and does it again...

I feel so upset about it. DH is more laid back about it all and says lots children pinch and we just have to make sure she knows its not acceptable...

I wonder if school are giving DD enough guidance / supervision at playtimes...? i don't know what to do.

Oh I really sympathise, my dd (specific language impairment/learning difficulties, plus steroid dependant which can at times affect her mood) was hitting people a couple of weeks ago and getting time out (in the classroom) every day at one point. I was feeling sick taking her to school and still dread hearing hw the day has gone because I worry she'll have done it again.It seemed to be happening when it was very busy or no one was watching her-she has one to one support but not at breaks.

Anyway I rang our hospital pschologist who said they need to get to the cause of it rather than acting after and she offered to speak to the ed psch and/or school to offer advice. They have been offering opportunities for her to have a break when feeling overwhelmed and have introduced timers for helping the children share toys-one prob was she wasnt able to ask them to share so was just pushing children out the way or hitting them.

Do you ahve an ed psch or someone who could speak to them for you? My dd's school are lovely and very supportive but I think were unsure as to what to do at first.

As for speaking to the other children's mothers I am not sure on that myself, I wasnt sure if it would make it int9o a bigger deal or what I would say. In my dd's case it is obvious she has SN so I was worried if I said that she did they would think I was using it as an excuse etc etc it is very hard.

Must have been heart breaking to hear that mum say that though, so can totally understand the need to do something.

With the supervision thing I think you are right, certainly that is the first thing that I would have done when I worked in nurseries, someone on here, and the psychologist mentioned ABC which I forget what it stands for!! But I think it is action, behaviour, consequence? As in what happened before, during and after the event? If they can pre empt the pinching and find a way to prevent it happening its so much better for everyone than punishing her afterwards for something she may not have much control over.

Thanks so much for your post used2bthin, i am finding it sooo hard. My DD also learning difficulties and is having extra time in the week at school to help with taking turns/sharing.

i haven't spoken to any mums in DD's class about her specific problems, the few mums i know well just know that she has extra help in school and is seeing the paedicatrician. I have been very unsure about how much to tell other mums in DD's class, although now i think it may have been wiser to be more open??

I am paranoid about whether to say anything, a couple of weeks ago i apologised to a mum of a girl DD told me she had hit but the mum knew nothing about it and said 'oh well x never said anything' and so i defintley did make more if it that time.

School never call me in to tell me - i only find out about it when I ask DD and she tells me or the other week i asked her teacher how DD was getting on and her teacher said shes been a bit unkind that week to a couple children by pinching....

I think i will see school tommorrow and try and come up with a plan of some kind, maybe contacting the hosptal ed pysch, would be an idea, although i have not had an appt with one yet. i feel like I am failing her...

The action, behaviour, consequence thing sounds like something we could pursue, like you say if we can pre empt the pinching etc that may help.

I wish I could cope with the whole dropping off at the gates, I seem to have a quiet cry on the way to work more days than not.

Oh no josben me too when things are bad its a horrible feeling! If dd is getting extra support then do they not come and hand over to you or write in a home link book? Ours has been quite useful for when there isnt enough time to talk. Mind you the down side was school tell me this stuff so I was feeling like they wanted me to sort it iyswim which was stressing me out.

DD hasn't hit for almost two weeks, whats the bet now I have said that she will have a bad day tomorrow! She has hit me a fair few times today.

I would definately talk to school, I am lucky to have the hospital psychologist because of dd's genetic condition(seperate to her learning probs) but I cannot tell you how much better I felt after talking to her and her taking the responsibility of it from me. Sometimes different strategies are apprpriate for children with any SN and school may or may not have had experience of it before.

We have a similar problem with DS (6, he has a dx of ASD), thankfully not all the time. It is very stressful; thankfully children that age can also forget relatively quickly. I am stunned to see that the very children that DS scratched two weeks ago keep seeking him out to play or invite him to birthday parties. Maybe boys mind less?
Anyway, a few suggestions - I'm not saying they work because we're still in the process of sorting this out.

• Try to get a statement. You'll get more support from the school with everything else that you need to implement.
• In the short term, the focus is stopping the particular behaviour. I'm in favour of consequences, including at home, alongside a reward chart if that works with your DD. I try to make language simple and absolute: 'Don't scratch' period, instead of 'if..then'. Tbh I don't even try to explain to DS why scratching, etc. is wrong, because that distracts from the main point.
• In the longer term, look at causes/triggers. This may range from too much noise in the playground, to wanting to play with other kids but not being quite sure how to talk/communicate to them/react when they say they don't want to play. This really has to be done with the school, though - can they provide a 'quiet space'? Do they have a buddy system? Can the SALT work with your DD on this?
• In the even longer term, work on tuning in with others - understanding that if you pinch them, they'll want to play with you even less, or learn new ways of starting play (as in, saying something nice about what they are doing, instead of just asking "do you want to play?"

About the other mums, maybe that's the toughest part. Some people will understand, some others won't. I tend to say something along the lines of: 'I have punished DS because he scratched x [this sounds worse than it actually is, but it makes me sound like I'm taking this seriously, which I am]; we're working very hard with the school to help him stop this kind of behaviour'. Then see which direction the wind blows; some mums can be surprisingly nice when they realize you actually do care about solving the problem. Good luck!!

thanks for your post used2bthin, i think i will suggest a homelink book to DD's teacher, i get very little feedback from her and when i go in and ask i feel lik i am being nuisance.

thanks also sc13, i will def try out your suggestions,. . like you say the other parents thing is very difficult. i am not sure when to say something , whether it would make a bigger thing out of it, when the teacher has dealt with it...?? but then i don't want other mums to think I am not dealing with DD's behaviour.