Feeling guilty - how to separate bad behaviour from SN :(

[twolittlemonkeys]

Hi everyone, haven't posted much in this area, but have had a horrible morning with DS1, who is just 6 and has Aspergers. DH is better at getting him to cooperate, so had got him dressed before he went to work. DC had breakfast then went to play on the Wii for about 20 mins before school (this is their 'reward' if they get dressed and eat without messing around) Anyway, I gave 5 minute warning, then when it was time to leave went through to turn off the Wii, DS1 refusing to get in the car, curling in a ball.

Turned out he was reluctant to move because he'd wet himself. No biggie, but he was blaming it on DS2 . I had to pick him up, but am only small and struggle to move him far so put him down and told him to get changed quickly, lots of shouting (from both of us), he stamped upstairs, slamming doors, kicking doors/walls, threatening to kick me etc. I was stressed, he was stressed and when I was trying to manoeuvre him into his room (probably more forcefully than I should have been ) he resisted and tripped over my leg, hitting his head. So he was crying (though seemed to have forgotten why he was in a strop so was a lot easier to change) and we were late for school.

We have several of these sort of meltdowns in a week (and many many smaller ones) and I need strategies for avoiding them, or at least getting less wound up by them myself. I don't know what I'm going to do once I can't physically move him - he usually refuses to cooperate when getting dressed so DH or I has to dress him (whilst DS2 dresses himself no problem). I'm at my wits' end. He's bright enough and understands what we're saying but just sees no reason why he should do what he's told. Any incentive we have works for a bit then stops working. I don't know what to do! I know a lot of the bad behaviour is just him being stubborn but can't seem to distinguish how much of it is down to his AS and how much is just a normal 6 year old pushing the boundaries.

AAah its soo hard isnt it, I have a son (6) who has ADHD and possibly Aspergers and although he is now on medication, we're sometimes not sure whether his behaviour is ADHD related or just cos he is 6 and wants to have a paddy lol.

I dont really have any advice (sorry) as Im sort of in the same boat but I wanted to say try not to feel too guilty ....my poor son is always being scratched by me as I try to grab him and I do feel bad but then I think, if he had just stopped when I asked him to it wouldnt of happened!!!

Star xx

Ds was a nightmare to dress at 6, he would scream and wiggle and fight me. He has lots of sensory issues, hates the feel of clothes and also hypermobility so finds buttons etc difficult. Have you tried visual sequencing charts? These helped ds, he then knew what to 'expect' doing something he find stressful. I would also let him choose what item to put on ie socks or pants for example, but putting nothing on wasnt option! Having some control over it, helped too.

Also the moving from one activity to another, visual timetables?

Timers for when you say '5 minutes', ds had and still has no idea how long 5 minutes actually is or any idea of time of all. The timer helped, as he could 'see' 5 minutes.

I find there is usually a mixture of ASD behaviour and 'normal', ive given up on trying to seperate

Thanks for your reply Starxx. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one in this boat. Just feel :( that DS's overwhelming memories of his childhood will be of all the struggles. We could all do with a bit more peace

Thanks claw4 I will try visual reminders, also definitely need some kind of big countdown timer I can use with him as changing activity is one of the main causes of meltdowns. DS1 hasn't complained about the feel of clothes, and he's very articulate so probably would if he had a problem with them, he just doesn't get himself dressed because he sees no reason to do so IYSWIM. . Better get to bed so I have the energy to deal with him in the morning. Thanks for your advice so far! :)

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These timers are nice for the 5 min count down. Another member posted them the other day.

Tbh unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable. You need to be kind in how you adress it but it still needs to be addressed.

I don't know if this helps at all, but perhaps avoid any kind of reward/punishment type behaviour management, opting instead for things which either help him work out what is expected or acceptable in a given situation, or ways which you can work on issues together, rather than struggling over them.

One rule I've made in the mornings is that we have no DVDs/playstation etc, just TV as it is being broadcast, which means that there is a specific cut off point, when X programme finishes, it is time to leave. Easy for a child to understand if they can't tell the time, and they can't argue with the TV or try to persuade it! It sounds like this is not usually an issue for you, though. Visual timetable sounds good, perhaps add in a toilet visit to minimise accidents.

It sounds like he panicked/reacted badly when you were suddenly asking him to get changed quickly, perhaps you were stressed yourself - understandably - but perhaps it's something to write off, if he is getting distressed because some unusual incident has set back your normal timetable, maybe take the view that it's more important to get him to school calmly than get him there on time. And also the usual time management things - allow extra time for unexpected delays, etc, which it sounds like you already do.

Is there a particular reason that it's a problem for you or DH to dress him, other than the time it takes? I think I would just go with this for now and hope that he grows out of it. You could perhaps present him with a comparison of how long it takes everyone to get ready when he dresses himself vs how long it takes when one of you has to dress him as well as doing XYZ other tasks. Maybe when he's older, if he doesn't work this out for himself. Or could you try and do it together, e.g. ask him to put his t shirt on while you do his trousers.

I found visual timetables and timers really helped for changing from one activity to the next. Timer for 5 more minutes, then timetable to see what was coming next.

Ds had no motivation to get dressed, as he found it difficult, stressful and uncomfortable, but not getting dressed wasnt an option. I would sit with him, first with a sequencing chart ie pants, then vest, then socks etc. If he refused to put on the item of clothing indicated on his chart, i would then give him the choice of pants or vest, but putting on nothing wasnt an option. You could use the timer too, if he continues to refuse point blank.

If you are going to use rewards, you also have to have consequences. For example, if you put on pants before the timer runs out you earn 5 minutes on the wii or whatever, if dont you lose 5 minutes.

I used the TV, if you get dressed in x amount of time, you will have time to watch TV for x minutes, the longer it takes the less TV you get to watch before school.

We had to get up an hour earlier for ds to get dressed on time! but it was worth it in the long run, as he now dresses himself and in time!