How do you deal with an angry Aspie?

[appropriatelyemployed]

DS1 has been so stressed and angry this week. He was doing really well at his new school but I think he is getting very tired and he has started hiding under a table outside the classroom and getting tearful and angry.

This morning, he got up early as usual but his brother had beat him to it and had started to get dressed. DS1 always likes to get dressed first and the next thing we knew, DS1 had punched DS2 in the face.

It is so hard to know what to do to manage those incidents when they arise as DS1 is very conscious of the fact that he has done something wrong and starts talking about hurting himself and he will punch himself.

I am getting an ABA person into school so maybe they could look at this too?

School are being great and have been really flexible and supportive. I am just starting to worry that he will never really cope in mainstream and it makes me so angry now I am at a decent school who can clearly see his difficulties to think of how I have had to fight through lies to get them even acknowledged.

First I would tackle the behaviour - it is not ok to punch your brother or anyone else. Maybe a social story about how to deal with anger - punch a cushion etc.

Then a social story about how it doesn't matter if he is not first to be dressed / sometimes may not need to get dressed. I would also check that DS2 wasn't doing it deliberately to wind DS1 up (as often happens in our house).

I don't know how old your DS is, but I find excess energy / stress impacts on DS and makes him more angry / aggressive. We have a trampoline and an excercise bike that he can use furiously to get the anger / energy out when needed.

Sorry bit of a ramble there (sleepless night with DS)

Thanks - I dare say DS2 might have been doing it deliberately but I find that a problem to manage too because doesn't he have the right to get changed whenever he wants?

I suppose I can tell him to back off that for now. He is always wanting his brother's attention but DS1 has no time for him. He never hugs him and very rarely says anything nice to him although they do play together.

The trampoline is a good idea and we were about to get one but he has Hypermobility Syndrome too and we have now been advised not too as it's not good for the joints......aaargh

Maybe swimming?

I think the physical problems are key. He gets very tired and stressed but you can't even go for a quick run around the park as he can't always physically even stand up.

Thanks for your post!

I think lots of us are having similar issues with behaviour at home, I've read a few similar stories on here recently.

Ds1 is definitely struggling his way towards the holidays, but in our house it was my usually smiley, calm, placid, nt ds2 that ended up punching his brother the other night. I have only ever known ds2 lash out once in his life before and that was more of a push away than a deliberate thump.

Mind you, ds1 did push him off a cupboard the evening before resulting in a bad bang to the head and rather large egg/lump and I know ds2 is fast approaching the end of his tether when it comes to being patient with his big brother.

They all seem to be so tired at the moment. I'm hoping that things will improve with the holidays and brighter, warmer spring days coming up.

When ds1 reached the point your ds is at last year, his ASD teacher told me to keep him off for a couple of days and keep things at home quiet, calm and low in terms of sensory input etc. I ended up tagging the days onto a half term holiday and it definitely helped him. I wrote a covering letter to the school citing exhaustion and stress as the reason for absence and they were happy with that, so it didn't go down as unauthorised leave.

Ds1 is similar to yours, in that he is conscious of hurting others and has talked about and even attempted to hurt himself as self-punishment. We now have a strict rule that says its Mum and Dad's job to allocate appropriate consequences for bad choices and no-one elses and what we say goes, so punishing himself is neither necessary or acceptable. Having a standard consequence for the most common transgressions also helps him to understand that we are the lawmakers and 'police' in our house, so that responsibility doesn't lie on his shoulders.

Thanks - this is really helpful. DS sounds very similar!

Yes, exhaustion +autism = either shoutiness or panic or communication-shutdown.

It's so hard to explain what a change of routine feels like to us, but it truly is hugely scary. I just panic, but some children do indeed lash out. That's never acceptable, so the advice to be firm but fair about this is very good. Finding a way to calm down is important...e.g. "if I am angry, I go to (a safe quiet space) and wrap myself in a blanket/duvet or play with a favourite toy for a few minutes etc (whatever works). I do not hurt anyone else". Even knowing the rules for that can be a relief.
Sounds like the school are getting him to work in ways that are gradually exhausting him. Is it worth them doing an autism sensory hazard assessment of the classroom and school day, so that they can check for anything new that might be adding to the exhaustion?

We let DS1 know that we are broadly sympathetic with how he feels and that it's alright to feel a certain way. We do refuse to discuss the subject of his anger with him unless he can be calm, though and have zero tolerance for him taking it out on his brother.

We find that he feeds off the stimulus of engaging him when he's angry, so we keep talk to a minimum.

Forgot to say that. When ds1 is angry, the rule is that he has to go and get a book to curl up and read until he has calmed down before we can discuss it. This usually involves a stint of lying upside down with a book held between his toes - unless its his Star Wars Visual Dictionary, which is too heavy! Reading has a really calming effect on him.

When he's calm we will discuss what happened with both him and his brother. Each one is allowed their say and the rule is that the other isn't allowed to speak until the one who's speaking has finished.

We have zero tolerance on hurting of any kind. No warnings, immediate loss of screen time for the day for minor scuffles - a week for all out deliberate wounding, iyswim. If they have already had screen time that day, the consequence is held over to the next day. Mum and Dad are the only people who can decide the severity of the consequence against the action, iyswim. That stops any debate about what is or isn't a fair punishment.

They also have to apologise to each other and agree to leave the argument in the past. If they refuse to do this, they lose another day's screen time on top of their existing consequence.

As ouryve says we do acknowledge his feelings and and accept his right to be angry, but always reiterate that it is never acceptable for anger to turn into violence and hurting others is always wrong.

Thanks moosemama that is really helpful.

DS had a much better day yesterday but school had gone back to allowing things to be much more fluid and not pushing the amount of time he had in the classroom.

Does make me think that he is unlikely to be able to cope with a m/s secondary school. He is in a school of 90 at the moment with lots of TLC.

I have contacted a couple of ABA consultants too as I think the interventions from SLT and EP have been worse than useless.

CAMHS advise me to help ds recognise how he feels when he gets anxious ie how does your body feel etc, and then put a coping strategy in place ie when you feel your body is doing x, you dont do x, you do x.

Ds rarely gets angry, he directs it inwards, rather than outwards, but i suppose the same principle applies.

That's what the Ed Psych worked on with ds1 claw. They got him to identify physical feelings attached to his emotions (they used his feelings diary to identify the emotions and situations he was struggling with). They discussed and came up with appropriate ways to handle those emotions and strategies he could use the worked with him on trying to identify the feelings earlier and trying to react appropriately, rather than having sudden knee-jerk reactions. Obviously we worked on it at home with him as well.

It's definitely helped, but is still very much work in progress. (Its just over a year since he finished working with the EP crisis team.)

We were very lucky with our EP though, I know not everyone gets that much help.

Moose could I just ask you what you mean by 'physical feelings attached to emotions ' please? Sorry for hijack OP. I have a ds 11 with AS and past few weeks keeps complaining of stomach pains which is nearly always in the morning just before school. He is absolutely fine in the evenings,eating fine etc. I have always said that he is lucky in that his AS is mild and he never seems affected by routine change etc like others are. But the only link I can make is that a trainee teacher has been teaching the class for 4 weeks now. In the past this is the only thing that has 'thrown' him a little but never as in complaining of pains etc. When asked he says that she is lovely and will miss her when she finishes.

Thats exactly it Moosemama, as i said ds directs his feeling inwards ie harms himself, rather than others, not in temper, more an anxious, nervous type thing. Same as you, its helped, but still a work in progress.

Penneyanne, some of ds's signs of anxiety is feeling sick, tummy ache or general aches and pains all over, not eating, not sleeping, bad dreams etc. Next step is he wants to run away and hide or doesnt want to go to school. Where as another child might lash out at this stage.

Penneyanne, my ds is 10 in a couple of weeks and also has AS.

By physical feelings attached to emotions I mean getting them to recognise how their body feels physically when experiencing different emotions. It tends to take a while for them to start recognising patterns and takes a lot of prompting "how does your body feel now?" type questions for them to get the idea.

So yes, things like stomach ache when nervous, sweaty palms, shakey jittery feelings that we might perhaps describe as butterflies as well as noticing that perhaps their muscles tense up when they are starting to get angry and/or maybe their neck gets stiff and sore if they are worrying about something. Basically anything that is an innate physical reaction to how they are feeling.

My ds suffers from nausea and reflux when he's highly anxious (which is often) so that was a good place for us to start.

Having a trainee teacher would rattle my ds as well. He'd cope on the surface, but it would definitely make him feel unsettled and out of sorts. He would also be building up to being upset about her leaving - he's already getting regularly upset about having to leave this teacher/class behind at the end of July.

Thanks claw and moose. I will look into this further- definitely think it must be more than just coincidence. Sorry again OP for blatent hijack.

Penneyanne, i have some info and strategies about how to recognise and deal with anxiety from the NAS, i could copy and paste if thats any help?

Penneyanne, I can't quite believe the coincidence after our conversation this afternoon, but ds1 has come home in a right old state because they told him at hometime today that the trainee teacher who's been helping in their class for a month is leaving tomorrow. What are the odds!

Apparently, when his normal teacher came back to the class at the end of the day ds1 was in floods of tears and inconsolable. Then when I picked him up after the sports club he goes to on a Thursday he was in a right state.

Didn't help that they also decided to completely rearrange the morning's lessons today with no prior warning as well, so he was already in a state.

Think we are in for a rough night.

claw that would be great if you dont mind. Thats a weird coincidence moose isn't it? Your poor ds- hope the night isnt too bad! God , how will they cope in secondary school with all the changes that will involve daily. DD 14 was saying in car on way home -"science teacher was out today so we had mr soandso instead "and we "couldnt use the language room for french so we had to go to blahblah instead " etc etc and I was thinking to myself ' God help us when ds goes'< shudder>.

This information sheet tells you about anxiety in adults with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It tells you how anxiety affects someone psychologically and physically. It tells you about different ways to help manage anxiety, from keeping a diary to learning relaxation techniques and getting support from others in a similar situation.

Anxiety in someone with an ASD

Anxiety is common in people with an ASD. It can happen for a range of reasons and people can vary in their ability to cope with it. Anxiety can affect both the mind and the body, and produce a range of symptoms. The psychological and physical symptoms of anxiety are closely linked and so can lead to a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break. The psychological symptoms of anxiety are:

? easily losing patience
? difficulty concentrating
? thinking constantly about the worst outcome
? difficulty sleeping
? depression
? becoming preoccupied with or obsessive about one subject.

Its physical symptoms include:

? excessive thirst
? stomach upsets
? loose bowel movements
? frequent urinating (going to the loo)
? periods of intensely pounding heart
? periods of having gas
? muscle aches
? headaches
? dizziness
? pins and needles
? tremors.

If you do experience any of these symptoms, it is important to also get medical advice to rule out other medical conditions.

Understanding anxiety

Emotions are abstract. To understand emotion you need an imagination. One of the areas of difficulty for people with an ASD is not being to imagine things so understanding emotions can be difficult for them. People with high-functioning autism may understand some emotions and recognise the feelings that are associated with them. By helping someone to understand anxiety, you can help them to manage it better.

Resources such as those sold by Incentive Plus (see Further information and contact details) as well as the Autism Research Centre?s CD ROM, Mind reading (available from NAS publications; contact details below), can help teach someone with an ASD about emotions.

Strategies for managing anxiety

Once someone understands anxiety and has identified the things and situations that make them anxious, they can then take steps to cope with the anxiety. If you are looking after someone with an ASD, try and be aware of what makes them anxious and how best to help them manage certain behaviours.

Keep a diary

To help someone with an ASD understand anxiety, get them to understand the symptoms they display when they are anxious and to look at the causes of their anxiety. Keeping a diary in which they write about certain situations and how these make them feel may help them to understand their anxiety and manage it better.
Use the diary also to think about the physical changes linked to anxiety. Someone with an ASD often retreats into their particular interest if they are anxious about something ? use the diary to monitor this as well:

Time and date Situation How I felt at the time On a scale of one to ten, how anxious did I feel?

Meltdown prevention plan

Create an ?anxiety plan? when someone with an ASD is feeling positive about things. An anxiety plan is a list of things and situations that cause anxiety as well as solutions and strategies they can use to help them manage their anxiety levels. The plan can be adapted, depending upon how well someone understands anxiety:

Situation
Symptoms of anxiety Solution
Going on the bus
Hearts beats fast; sweat and feel sick. Have stress ball in pocket.
Squeeze the ball and take deep breaths.
Listen to music.

Relaxation techniques

Someone with an ASD can find it very difficult to relax. Some people with an ASD have a particular interest or activity they like to do because it helps them relax. If they use these to relax, it may help to build them into their daily routine. However, this interest or activity can itself be the source of behavioural difficulties at times, especially if they?re unable to follow their interest or do the activity at a particular moment.
Some people may need to be left alone for short periods of the day to help them unwind.
Physical activity can also often help to manage anxiety and release tension. Using deep breathing exercises to relax can be helpful as can activities such as yoga and Pilates, which both focus on breathing to relax. Use a visual timetable or write a list to help remind the person when they need to practice relaxation.

Any other activities that are pleasant and calming ? such as taking a bath, listening to relaxing music, aromatherapy, playing on a computer ? may also help reduce anxiety. Some people may find lights particularly soothing, especially those of a repetitive nature, such as spinning lights or bubble tubes.

You may need to encourage adults who are less able to take part in these activities so that they can enjoy their benefits. You can do this by explaining when and where they will do the activity and what it will involve. You may have to go along with the person at first and do short periods of activity to begin with.

Talking about anxiety

Some people with an ASD find direct confrontation difficult. They may therefore be unable to say they don?t like certain things or situations, which will raise their anxiety levels. If they identify they are anxious, they could use a card system to let family or friends around them know how they are feeling. At first, you may need to tell them when to use the card and prompt them to use it when they do become anxious.

They could also carry a card around with them to remind themselves of what they need to do if they start getting anxious. You could also give them a ?stress scale? that they can use whenever they find something particularly stressful.

It may help them to buy our Autism Alert card, which is the size of a credit card. They can use the card to let members of the public know they have an ASD. The Autism Alert card is available from NAS publications (see contact details below).

Getting support from other people with an ASD

Personal accounts

It may help someone with an ASD to read the personal accounts of other people who also have an ASD, and to see how they dealt with certain situations and managed any anxiety they experienced. A number of people with an ASD have written personal accounts of their experiences:

*Glass half empty, glass half full: how Asperger?s syndrome has changed my life by Chris Mitchell

*Making sense of the unfeasible: my life journey with Asperger syndrome by Mark Fleisher

*Thinking in pictures by Temple Grandin

We also produce a quarterly newsletter called Asperger United. It is written by people with an ASD and includes personal accounts of having an ASD. Contact us to subscribe to the newsletter.

Online resources

The following online resources may be helpful to someone with an ASD as they are all aimed specifically at people with ASDs:

? www.aspiesforfreedom.com
This site has a range of forums and a chat room, articles and lots of information and aims to help build the autism culture.
? www.assupportgrouponline.co.uk
This website is run by Emma Thomson, who has an ASD. It has lots of information, including a blog.
? www.autism.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=120
This is on the NAS website and includes personal stories, thoughts, reflections, short films, articles and lecture transcripts about life on the spectrum from people with ASDs.
? www.inlv.demon.nl/irc.asperger
This website is for people with ASDs and its priority is to provide support.
? www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival
This website includes chapters from a book by Marc Segar, who had an ASD. ?Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome? has tips and advice on how to cope with a range of feelings, written from the perspective of someone with an ASD. For example, Marc not only talks about the unwritten rules about behaviour, but offers lots of tips and advice.
? www.wrongplanet.net
This website is designed for individuals and parents of people with ASDs. It has a discussion forum, a section for articles, ?how-to guides? and a chatroom for real-time communication.

The resources on external websites are provided for your help and information only. They are sites maintained by other groups, organisations and individuals and are provided in good faith. The presence of a website does not necessarily imply that the NAS endorses or supports the originator(s), nor does the absence of a group imply that the NAS does not support it, and cannot be held responsible for the quality of the information provided.

Support groups

Going to a support group for people with ASDs means meeting other people with ASDs, which can be helpful in some cases. Different support groups will offer different activities, from going on outings to discussion groups about particular topics. Go to www.autism.org.uk/directory for information about support groups in the UK. You can also contact our Autism Helpline to help find various services.

Getting specialist help

Some people with an ASD are not able to identify their anxiety or to put in place strategies to manage it on their own. A specialist or a counsellor with experience of ASDs may be able to help them. Our Autism Helpline has details of counsellors and specialists in different areas.

Oh Claw thank you so much for going to all that trouble. That is really helpful. I will read it in detail now and I really appreciate your help. Its only now ,all of a sudden as ds gets older,that anxiety seems to be coming to the fore,and I haven't really researched this properly but I will now. Thank you again .

No trouble at all, happy to help, ive recieved so much help from others on MN, its nice to help when you can

My ds has just turned 8, anxiety became a real problem for him when he started school (he didnt have a dx or wasnt even on the special needs register) so didnt receive any help at all. Even after dx, he still didnt recieve any help and his anxieties really elcalated, to the point of him self harming (scratching his skin off really badly where he was so distressed), being hospitalised and almost having a finger amputated, he was lucky not to have got septecemia.

Sorry for waffling on! my point being school also have a big part to play in the emotional well being of a child, especially one who is prone to anxiety. All of the therapy and all what i was doing at home didnt work, until school took it seriously. Hopefully you have a good school.

Penney told me this was good thread to read. Lots of good information from everyone. I am only just learning after recent dx HFA for my ds. Claw some great facts that are v helpful too.
My ds gets frustrated but is rarely aggressive just v short tempered and anxious. He has had panic attack s too. We haven't found much to calm him down just giving him support in a quiet place and a cuddle if he will let me.

Thanks Claw - this is great!