Trouble over ASD sons new hairstyle

[hereiamagain2]

My 8 year old son went to school today sporting his new haircut, a mohican.

I had reservations about him having this style (i didnt want him to 'stand out' anymore than he already does, he has HFA) but he was adamant that he wanted this style and even quoted back at me 'there is nothing wrong with being different, the world would be boring if we were all the same" (something i have said to him, when he is called weirdo or freak etc in school)

Anyhow, he has come out from school with a letter which reads

"All at school were very surprised to see the way ds has had his haircut; it is clearly an unusual style for a child of his age. We have set a dress code, whilst hairstyles are not mentioned specifically, it is on the understanding that they would follow the same principles of conventionality. Hairstyles that set children apart can be divisive, causing conflict between groups of children and are often associated with gang culture"

and could i get it cut etc, etc.

My ds doesnt want to have it cut, he is a quite and passive boy and well behaved, i am not encouraging him to be a delinquent, just to develop a sense of self and his own identity.

What would you do?

I would cut it - I agree with the school on this one. I don't think a mohican is a suitable style for any child to have for school.
It is ok to be different but at the same time we all have to conform to certain rules and children with ASD (I have one) have to learn that too.

Thanks for the replies, i suppose i am more peed off with school for not taking the name calling of 'weirdo and freak' etc as seriously as they do a haircut. This is far more divisive than a haircut, which admittedly is another issue.

Ds's remarks to me were its just a haircut, it doesnt change me or my personality!

All the schools locally have policies that haircuts must not be extreme, no lines or patterns, no colours that aren't natural looking. I have to say I really dislike Mohicans etc on school children, but each to his own. Perhaps the school holiday idea would work?

Yes, in future i will keep any hairstyles to school holidays. Ds's school have no policies on hairstyles, but to avoid making an issue of it (ds's teacher has dyed bright red hair ironically!)

Cut it. I'm surprised that you didn't think school would have an issue with it.

Cut it. I'm also surprised that you thought it would be ok. Yes it would be nice if all schools celebrated individuality.. but they don't and a haircut that stands out is likely to make him more of a target for bullying.. sometimes boring uniformity is easiest!

"just to develop a sense of self and his own identity"

I spat out my coffee laughing when I read that. DS has several relatives who are diagnosed aged from their 60's down to his 7. The ONE thing none of them lack is a "sense of their own identity", it's how the rest of the world operates that confuses them.

Your son's response is totally logical, but the NT world isn't. That's the whole mystique of the NT social world for anyone on the spectrum - the illogicality of the herd.

Strangely there are herds that my Aspie will follow. There are very few UK students on his post grad course but plenty of foreign students. As DS has always been singled out for being 'different' he is now gravitating socially towrards 'foreigners' who don't notice his As traits so much.

In the past few months he's
Had a night out celebrating the Chinese New Year with a group of Chinese students
Taken a Malaysian girl student to the cinema
Went to a party thrown by a group of Greek students

He's been the only UK person at each!

Wetaugust - Lots of boys in ds's school have the 'mohican' style ie shorter at the sides, longer on the top and gelled inwards and upwards, this is how ds's hair started off, the only difference is it shorter on the sides than usual now, so the top is more defined. Other children have skinheads, with patterns cut into them, which in my opinion is more 'gang culture'. I dont know of any gangs of 'mohicans'!

Bochead Really, im surprised! My ds has difficulty with his sense of self and where he fits in, where he may or may not be different to others. I thought this was quite a normal developmental milestone, but even more common in children with ASD. I saw him wanting the hairstyle as him experimenting with this.

Anyhow i went off on a tangent there, my comment 'just to develop a sense of self and his own identity" was taken out of context. What i meant was in response to the schools 'gang culture' i am not encouraging him to be a delinquent, just to develop a sense of self and his own identity.

Mrsmagnolia Ironically the school would prefer that ds have a 'skinhead' style, which in my opinion based on the reasons given by the school for a 'mohican' being inappropriate are more likely to 'be divisive, causing conflict between groups of children and are often associated with gang culture'

Im just being pendantic of course Ds has come to accept that he is 'different' and that this is not 'wrong' or 'bad', he is just 'unique' like everyone else. He has difficulty expressing himself and if his hairstyle is a way for him to express himself, i didnt see the harm. Although i acknowledge that perhaps school is not the best place to do it, this is obviously were he finds his 'differences' are more apparent. (i will keep hairstyles to holidays, in future!)

Medusa ds has been bullied and probably will continue to be bullied, with or without a hairstyle. Ds has struggled to fit in socially and probably will continue to struggle to fit in socially with or without. I saw him wanting this hairstyle that is slightly different as a positive, even progress. He has struggled for years to fit in or to be the same as everyone else, now he has decided to experiment with what he wants to be.

Cut his hair. Most schools react like this to haircuts which are out if the ordinary. I would say that this is one area where he should stick to the rules.

Scooby, i will, the general opinion of this thread is that i would be making an issue out of a non issue. I have asked the school this morning whether they would prefer that i shave it off into a 'skinhead' style or wait a couple of weeks for the sides to grow back to how it was prior to the haircut.

My ASD DS is just 7 and since borrowing my dad's flat cap for a "dress up as olden days" theme day he has decided hats are his thing, he has a baseball cap, the flat cap, a black trilby and a straw style one (and a pirate hat and builders hat but they are for home only ). He chooses according to his mood and wears these to school (not in the classroom obv) and it's a nice way for him to express himself imo. Maybe your DS would fancy a hat if he'd like to stand out a bit?

Hereiamagain - I share your frustration, my DS (15 at the time) also wanted a mohican, we allowed him to have one on the condition that he only stuck it up at home, for school it had to stay flat.

He initially had it cut in the May, no comment from school. He had it cut again at the beginning of the school holidays, by the time he went back to school in the Sept it had pretty much grown out. He had it cut again in October, we bumped into the head of the school just after leaving barbers, who did a double take. Though it was laid flat for school (nearly to top of ears) OH received a phone call stating he had to get it cut - so DH cut it.

I had a meeting with the head a few days later (to discuss academic progression), where he spent 15 mins inspecting and commenting on DS's new haircut; not quite a skinhead. Totally failing to discuss DS's truancy, and the fact he was failing his course work for GCSE's.

What annoyed me was the fact that lots of girls had two tone hair or brightly coloured hair, and boys had long, messy gelled up hair and no comment was made. Appears to be subjective as to what is considered extreme.

He is now trying to grow his hair long. It looks a mess and I'd love to take the scissors to it.

omg im sorry but at the end of the what ever colour/style of there hair has nothing to do with how they learn. at my kids junior school some of the kids have differant colours in, patterns shaved in the sides, long, short, skinhead, alsorts, ( id rather my child have a mohican than look like a skin head or some long haired hippy) even if my youngest has shoulder length hair he is 6 and refuses point bank to sit still long enough for any one to get near him with a pair of scissors, and as for my dd, well she found my blue hair dye and well ( you can guess the rest) considering that she is currently carrying on because i wont dye it black and purple for her till they break up. I have noticed tho that some kids seem to get away with having there hair how ever they want it, yet others constantly get harrased by the teachers to sort it. The head of our school has now got to the point where she dernt even speak to me about the kids hair cause she knows exactly where she will be told to go. ( its called I have a special child if thats what makes them happy and life easier without any isues then so be it. )

Although this is not exactly the same I listened to something on radio about exclusions from school and it's worth a listen if you have time.

here

Sorry that was the wrong programme here is the right one.

here

DS2 (AS) loves to have a mohican. He grows his hair all term and has the mohican in the holidays (we start out with it shaved at the beginning of term). On one occasion I slipped up, because I thought there was a training day and there wasn't,so hadn't had his hair cut. I was telephoned and made to collect him and take him to the barber's before he could go into school. (He was in Secondary.) I can see the point about haircuts not being as important as what they learn, but a lot of schools do demand that haircuts are "not extreme" as part of the discipline policy. DS has accepted that he can only have his favourite haircut in the holidays. It is worth a try.

Well we shaved it off last night at ds's request, he was worried and didnt want to get into 'trouble' at school. Teachers were asking him why he had his hair cut like this! Ds has real difficulty with why questions or any kind of explanation!

Ds has had years of therapy for his extremely low self esteem and poor self image. He went to school today with his hood up. Shame school dont consider emotional progress, as much as they do academics.

Will stick to school holidays in future, but i dont think ds will be wanting anything other than the 'norm' in future.

My DS has had a lot of stick about the mohican because it is perceived as outdated- but he can't see that at all. He just likes it. No doubt your DS is the same.