tantrumming and self injury

[cansu]

ds ASD had massive meltdown yesterday when we stopped computer. He has become very obsessed and it had got to the stage of having to select new video every minute or so for him. I gave him a time warning and used timer to show it would be finishing but it didn't help. He banged on walls, doors, tried to bite me, hit self on chest and thighs. I tried to stop him but didn't hold him as this is liable to lead to him lashing out. He has bruised and scratched himself on his leg and I am very upset about it. We tend tbh to give in to avoid any upset and I think this is probably first time in an age that we didn't. I now think maybe we should have given in. Any advice?

Sorry, I missed this earlier.

I would say that giving in regularly just to avoid him being upset is not a good idea. It's probably important to choose your battles. But the problem is if you give in all the time, what happens when something he wants is dangerous? You can't give in then, and all hell will break loose.

It's frustrating to see them do this, I know, but I think it's still important to be clear to them that sometimes they cannot have their own way. And yes, I know it means a massive meltdown - we've had them here numerous times. I still have certain rules and situations that we are firm on, and meltdown or no meltdown, I'm not giving in. DS2 (5yo) is slowly starting to recognise this, even though our 2yo is still in the midst of tantrums now and still hasn't quite realised that it's not going to work on us.

I try to let some things go that are unimportant, as I don't want all day to be a stressful power struggle, but we are very clear to him that certain things are not on. (and yes, it can make some days a bit helllish ).

Thanks I know we can't give in all the time. I guess I know all the theory but struggle with the practise. I think this was particularly scary because I can now see what ds is capable of. I feel incredibly guilty that he has hurt himself and I know that this will have an impact on how I deal with the next one. Maybe I need to sit down with dp and decide what we will do and what we wilol stand firm on. Trouble is dp is anything for a quiet life!

Oh, I completely understand where you're coming from. It IS easy to say, but sometimes it can be so hard to put into practice. Is there a "safe" area that he can be in when he is in meltdown that he won't hurt himself?

Not really. he has hurt himself through pummelling his thighs this time and pinching self. I think I need to be more consistent with him. I think he needs set times when he can obsess on computer and then not at any other time. Maybe I should have tried giving him cushions and other things to throw to avoid him hurting self? At the time was just trying to remain calm, not give in and get through it. Thanks for replying - definitely helps me get a bit of clear thinking about what need to do next time. DS was diagnosed aged 3 and is 10 now but everytime I think something is going well, something else starts up. Have just finished unblocking loo as he has an obsession with loo rolls currently!

DS2 unrolls the loo rolls constantly. Drives DH mad, I'm pretty much "let's just roll it back up again." We put a laminated sheet with toileting instructions for him on it - short simple instructions, including "use 4-5 squares to wipe." He very carefully counts them out when reminded. It's getting better slowly. Sort of.

I guess maybe think about not only getting him to calm down, but see what helps him work through the frustration as well, so it's not destructive IYSWIM?

I agree it's really hard when they hurt themselves, as you don't want to let them do it, but yet you can't give in all the time. I wonder, would he continue hitting his thighs and pinching himself if he realised it wasn't getting him anywhere? DS2 used to swing his head back and throw himself down, and got quite a few nasty knocks to the head. We did what we could to minimise the risk of injury (mainly in the living room where it was most frequent), and then had to stand back and let him flail about a bit (keeping an eye out for any potential injury, but trying not to let him know how closely we were watching). He doesn't seem to throw his head back nearly as much anymore - I'm not sure if it was us seeming to ignore it or if he's just moved on to other methods. So hard to tell. His comprehension is a bit off, so it's really hard to judge what he understands and what he doesn't.

Best of luck though. It IS tough, I hope it gets a bit easier for you all. It often seems so much like the whole "between a rock and a hard place", doesn't it?

He does need to learn what it feels like to be told No. As Trig said, what if the thing he wants might hurt him? Or is illegal? Or he's told he can't have something in a shop? What if he wants to have sex with a girl who says no?

Teaching him boundaries, while pure hell for you to go through now, is by far the better outcome for him in the long term.

I hope I've phrased this right, I don't want to be offensive or scare you. I'm a (currently unemployed) support worker, not a parent, and they're two very different things.

We were in a similar situation last year,Zelda was and still is ds obsession and sometimes it was easier to let him play for longer than was good for him. He didn't get physical but would cry, scream and bang about.

We introduced a marble system and gave him marbles for good behaviour, doing his school reading books etc he could use them for pocket money or buying time on Zelda. we gave him a free 30 mins after school. At first he hated it and it did cause meltdowns. To begin with we rewarded him with lots of marbles but gradually we reduced how many marbles we gave him.

He has got used to it and even chooses to exchange for money now, whereas in the beginning he wouldn't. He saved up and bought zelda books, he doesn't ask to play every day anymore but still talks constantly about it, virtually every big write he does at school is about Zelda