Could you read my thread about my little mate with DS and her nan's attitude?

[IAmPoshInnit]

Hope I don't make anyone sad, but I posted this in AIBU and someone sent me a message privately that I might get more responses here. I would ask my own mum what to do but she's away and I have to figure things out soon! My friend's Mum said something quite mean about her granddaughter.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1430753-To-think-my-best-friends-niece-IS-bloody-gorgeous?pg=2

Saw the post earlier. Sadly some people are very cruel. I would buy her something nice and pretty but also buy mum something nice too and send a card explaining that you think her dd is beutiful and lovely and just wanted her to know it .

There is a little girl with down syndrome who was recently chosen to be a model for Next. Unfortunately some people just have that sort of attitude towards children with disabilities, some just don't understand and say the wrong thing without meaning any harm but others can be plain nasty about it. It sounds to me like your friends mum of the nasty variety, it may be that she is in some sort of denial or that she just doesn't want to accept it, either way someone does need to say something, I doubt you are the right person to do it though, is your mum close enough to do it? It may work better if it comes from one of her peers rather that someone younger, IYSWIM.
Poor little girl and her mum, LO won't see it yet but she will at some point. You don't need to go to baby gap to get nice clothes, there are some amazing new little girls clothes on ebay for next to nothing (my Dsis had a little girl 3 weeks ago and I spent a fortune on there) or try Asda, Tesco or Matalan. The best thing you can do is be a friend, they are like gold dust when you have a child with SN and ou sound like you would be a good one.

Gosh, what an awful attitude. The children I know with Down Syndrome are all little characters, some more challenging than others, but all are as beautiful as the next child. How sad that her first taste of prejudice should come from her own family. I don't feel it's your job as a family friend to be tackling the grandmother, I'd just be supportive of your BF and her sisters. I don't think I'd be attending the Mothers's Day meal, either, I'd let the family deal with that one.

Thank you lisa and keeping for your responses. They don't need clothes, they do pretty ok financially, and their DD is very fashion-consicous too, lol. I think it's just the attitude that hurts. It hurts me too. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I feel like the '2nd mum' I've loved since I was 12 is not the same person and I feel like I am almost mourning.

Didn't think of posting here, originally, because I didn't know about this board. But also I don't think of my mate's neice as 'different', she's just a funny, friendly, cheeky little girl with some difficulties, but then we all have them, don't we?

awful for your friend and awful for you to sit and hear such a thing. But I dont think its your place to say anything as you could end up in a middle of a family disagreement that you wont want to be in.

People say awful things when drunk and quite often tell the truth of their feelings when drunk sadly.

You are a good friend and as long as she has support she will be ok but it really is her job to spell it out to her mum what a cruel thing she said and how she sees her treating her DD if she wants to do that.

You are of course allowed to buy your friend some flowers and the little girl a dress and tell her that her mum is obviously very short sighted if she cant see just what a beautiful grandaughter she really has :)

Sadly we don't all have them. My girls are beautiful and lovely yes, but their difficulties make life very different from most.
Just be a friend and you will be fine. Just try not to make throw away comments like, they all do that, oh but she's so happy and my favourite, well you would never know really.

coff Good idea, but I think rather than flowers, a free evening of childminding so she and her DH can go to pub are in order. We were all pissed, but the mum's comment obviously has shown how she has felt for a while. :(

lisa not trying to make light of disabilties, just saying we all have problems, whether emotional or whatever. The DD is a delight, and very popular even though she has downs, and other kids in her class have problems because of parents, behaviour or whatever. My boyfriend is a bit of a geek :o and even though he went to a competitive school, was shunned by the other boys, and it still hurts him when he thinks of it as an adult, for instance.

Thank you keepingup, my mum does not like my mate's mum, has always said she was 'la-di-da' and wasn't nice to her husband so they could not talk. My mate's family is well off and we are just everyday, so I think that might be an issue, even though mum and dad get along with my mate's dad.

Either way, I have to do something by tomorrow. Don't know if I can go. My mate is on a date but she doesn't know either. I'd be well to say something to the mum though. Dont quite know how to tell of my elders.

i meant ellenjane

This is the first AIBU thread to make me cry. What a lovely bunch of posters. It gives me hope that much of the apparently catsbum general public really might be ok, deep down.

And maybe (yes, I could be in fairyland) this might finally show the nan how much she is missing by clinging to her grief about losing her 'dream' granddaughter. Her family are distressed and turning against her, she only has one girl grandchild who she rejects, she loves fashion but can't enjoy it as she walks past pretending not to see the gorgeous little girl stuff, her self-esteem is gone cos it was built on her 'perfect family' and being 'better' than other women her age...

As an 'almost-family-member' you might be the only person who can say, "It grieves me to see you all split, I know you're not like this really, can I somehow help you get past the disability?" Grandparent stuff from the down syndrome association and the poem 'Welcome to Holland' are worth a look if you ever feel brave enough to start the conversation.

Hi I am Posh.

I had read this last night and immediately felt outrage and anger like you having had a little bit more time to think about it and just adding a bit of perspective (I always try to find something in favour of other side) are you sure that the grandmother was making a vicious snide comment perhaps she meant to say I need ANOTHER pretty granddaughter to dress up? She sounds as if up to now she has certainly been a lovely person treating you like a daughter letting you stay etc so it would sound quite out of character for her to change into this unfeeling ogre??? Yes her comment was horrible but it may just be a slip of the tongue and she might really not have meant anything by it and be horrified and dreadfully upset it has caused such anguish?

Please do not shoot me down in flames just wanted to offer an alternate opinion. Definitely think it should be the daughter that mentions it though.

Hi all,

Posted on AIBU about how things went today at the mum's. It was fairly grim, but hopefully, some progress has been made.

Thank you for the poem maria, another poster sent it to me, to, I think it's gorgeous. :)

Holy, I don't think my friend's mum is an ogre, but we have noticed she's not all cuddles and fussing over the DD like she is with the boys. It's hard to describe how she is, almost formal, and very distant from her. I don't know if this row will change the way she behaves, or what. It's just hard to imagine how she could spend 5 years not loving her, since everybody loves her, even the people who work in the shops.