Behaviour management for child with possible aspergers/asd

[Molehillmountain]

Im really sorry if I come across as ignorant about all this but I've got a friend who seems to relate to others quite differently from other six year olds I know. It seems as if he's got features of some kind of aspergers or asd, but no diagnosis as his parents see no issue beyond a slight difference in pace of development. My children play with theirs in a group and I increasingly find myself at a loss as to how to manage situations between him and others. He doesn't seem to 'get' smaller children and has hit my three year old a couple of times. The others seem to play differently with younger children and accept their limitations. He also struggles to see things from others points of view. He gets empathy in so far as he expects empathy from others but doesn't empathise with them. The reason I've posted is that I need to know how I should respond. Because his parents see him as nt, I have felt increasingly upset that my Ds is being hurt by a bigger boy. And because I know nothing about strategies for helping people with aspergers or similar cope with the world I feel unable to intervene when the older boy feels upset by one of my children. I don't know what I'm saying really-just that I see a long summer ahead of sitting on my hands not knowing how to help my children play with him vice versa. All my strategies are based on age appropriate understanding of the needs of others iyswim.

Sorry. What is this child's relationship to you?

Are you sure the parents have no concerns?

Close friends with them and a couple of other families. The parents kind of acknowledge a difference but are very anti formal medicine/education routes and so I guess what I'm saying is that they see nothing that should or could be helped by seeking a diagnosis. And they might very well be right. It isn't my place to question that, but given that our children play together, I feel a but uncertain about how to think feel and react given that his parents approach is already different to mine. I don't think it's a behavioural thing-he just doesn't seem to get how people feel.

"He doesn't seem to 'get' smaller children and has hit my three year old a couple of times. The others seem to play differently with younger children and accept their limitations."

Hmm, tricky. The trouble is that even if you do read up on strategies it will be hard to feel objective when your three year old has been hit. Are these all your neighbours' children?

Yep! And mine love playing with them-although x is very honest about when he doesn't. I strangely don't mind Ds being hit if he has chosen to play and the appropriate thing happens when the hitting happens. Then it's just a case of squashing the 'my baby's hurt' feelings for the long term benefit they get from playing. Especially since they are no more brilliant at playing than any other children their age. Oh-I don't know. I'm over thinking it and if my dc are happy to play and accept the situation then I should be too. And it's not my job to deal with another child's behaviour anyway. How do you get another child to empathise anyway? I'm nervous that all this springs from me being cross that Ds is being hurt without the appropriate steps being taken and that I perhaps just need to get over myself. What difference would a label make anyway?

I think you're right- overthinking it won't get you anywhere and is the parents' remit.

My six-year old is a bit "different", and I hugely appreciate his relationship the circle of children on our street and their parents, so if it helps, here's my twopennyworth.

1 The best thing you can do for this lad and his parents long-term is not withdraw your children. He won't continue to learn without practice. Do whatever it takes to achieve that, even if it means being a bit firmer than you'd like to be.

2 "he just doesn't seem to get how people feel." That will change, especially if he already has a good understanding of his own feelings, but for now just accept that that's temporarily the way it is (privately, do not discuss with your children).

1. Some suggestions. If he is about to hit your 3-year-old then something neutral like "uh oh! just a little boy! just a little boy!" said in a bright voice whilst you sweep your child away may be appropriate. Use same tone of voice, same strategy, each time. Generally distract rather than reason. If he complains/winges/get inappropriately upset about/by your children, just use an "oh dear, oh dear" or an "and is it better now or does it still hurt?" or a "X happened and that upset you" type approach. No further analysis. No complex reasoning about "how would you feel if...." or "sometimes we have to learn that....". And don't discipline your children if they've done nothing wrong, you'll only get resentful and withdraw (see top of post!).

1. If you have to tell the parents about an incident, stay matter of fact: "jonny did X and that upset Y". No more to be said. And if your children force you to comment just say "I think that Y is still learning about that" in a matter of fact voice (just as they are still learning about something that they may have been slower to learn). Or just say "Y is scared of the noise of the coffee-maker" but again say it in a completely matter of fact voice as if you were saying that a child was scared of dogs.

I hope that staying matter of fact and concrete about specifics is the answer! This is what my neighbours do - stick to the facts! good luck, stand by your friends and be understanding if they tolerate things you wouldn't.

Thanks lingle-that is all hugely practical and sensible. I think I need my children to lead me on this. I find my inner child stamping it's foot and saying but that's not fair a lot of the time rather than letting the real children set the pace. It's all rather at odds with how I would treat my children if they hurt people or don't play fair. But people need responding to according to need not blanket expectations. Thank you for your patience with my ramblings.

You know, if your children find the interaction unrewarding they will withdraw themselves. If, and when this begins to happen, it would be sensible to approach the parents for a strategy to make playing with this child more rewarding for them. The parents should by then see for themselves that this is not going to be great for their own child.

At this point, it won't be seen so much as a criticism of their child but helpfulness, - provided it is done carefully.

You're right starlight. Further confirming that I need to work on myself. The only niggling thing is that I think my dd puts up with x in order to play with the others and is actually quite bothered by it all. But that's a choice too I guess and as long as shes allowed to withdraw thats okay. And actually x might be none too fond of my pesky kids either. The voice I hear is "but if they were just a bit firmer with x....' hence wanting to actually second guess whether that's right or not. Still the fact remains that it is what my children think that matter and also the fact that tolerance is what I would like for my children too. God-I am a nightmare.

You don't sound like a nightmare Mole. You sound fab.

That's kind. Thing is I'm worried that I look at best ineffectual and at worst cross and judgemental when there's an incident going on. Truth is, I'm fighting back my urge to leap in and protect ds and to tell x off. I fight it because I know in my head that he isn't deliberately behaving like that any more than any other child. And that my friendship with x's mother is important and that I need her support and she mine. It just looks incongruous to see a bigger child behaving like that. Any how - will keep doing my best to understand and support and hope that she will do the same when my children are having their moments. Really appreciate the sage advice.