What if I'm doing this all wrong??

[appropriatelytrained]

I found a lovely school for DS with a fab head after a crappy year.

I HE'd for about 6 months and DS's first few weeks at the new school went well but he has been full time now for two weeks and things are starting to get back to the dreadful, screamy, stressed level.

School have been very good but I think they are trying to get him in the classroom and joining in more and he is just kicking back (not to them obviously - that would be too easy). He also had a falling out as he thought a friend had deliberately hurt him while playing when it was an accident.

His LSA is fab and told me all about it but said the day had been a wash out as he'd been exhausted.

He has hypermobility syndrome and quite literally ends up lying on the floor when tired. We have just spent 2 weeks at GOSH which was supposed to help with this. I am still waiting for advice from them about how this is supposed to be managed - if they don't know, who does??

I think DS's floppiness is a weird mix of tiredness, stress and an avoidance strategy he has developed.

Anyway, I was trying to get to the bottom of the screaming mess this afternoon and he said that he was being discouraged from taking breaks. I explained to him that we would work with school on this but that he does have to do work in the classroom.

He started saying 'all schools are the same'. I then told him that in some schools, all the children had similar kind of difficulties and he said 'that would be easier for me, can I go there'. He said it with such sincerity, I stopped in my tracks.

OMG - has my philosophical commitment to m/s education obscured what my child needs?

I do just wonder how he is going to cope on a day to day basis in m/s education. I feel I've got it so wrong.

Have you ever been offered and turned down a SS place?

By the time you've had the meetings, held the reviews, attended the assessments, and and had the Tribunal it'll be 18 months till your son could start a SS, even if you applied today. So what you gonna do with the poor child for the next 18 months?

I'm not saying the above cos I'm trying to be a cow, but because of a light bulb moment I had yesterday nattering to a mate. It's taken me 4 friggin years to get my son to his current plateau & it was only ever meant to be a stepping stone in the first place! We are at base camp & I've still got the main mountain to climb. I've made a vow to really seriously prioritise my crap in future or his childhood will be over before I know it.

I think you need to stick with it, (even if you do decide long term on SS 18 months is a long time to cope in the interim). If he's just had a period at Gosh then going back will be more tiring for him than normal. Do SFA at the weekends to give him time to recover, no homework in the evenings at all etc for a while.

Stress is a monster - how overtired is he getting. Is he sleeping well at night. What helps him "wind down". (DS and I are still chuckling over our ill-fated yoga attempts). Does diet help in anyway with stress levels. Once you've bust a gut on the destress front INSIST school do the same. No pushing him beyond his limits for the first term, no matter how they want to include him in class.

Thanks that is good advice.

He needs to do nothing in the eves really. His diet is appalling because he is so fussy. He gets up at the crack of dawn.

I will tell school they need to let him have breaks if he needs them but I am really surprised to hear him say this isn't happening as I believed it was. It's so awkward to raise these things all the time. This school has been so good so far.

But DS can get confused. He said he went for a lie down under the table (picnic bench) outside at break time and his TA encouraged him to get up. He was most aggrieved as he said he wanted to sleep! I explained she probably hadn't wanted him looking a bit odd!

As for SS, God, no we've never been offered one. You'd have to fight this lousy county to the death to get there but I haven't been considering it at all until now. I just think he is in an inclusive, helpful environment and he's still struggling to cope.

how old is ds?

how much do you think that, if he were able to go to a SS (is it viable? what are the options for you/him?) then there would be something else ofr him to be upset with school about?

getting into a SS does take time. even more so if you are going to be pushing for an independent SS (I have a feeling your ds is very high functioning) but it can be done.

if you think it is what you should be going for, don't htink of this as having done it all wrong - it is/has been part of the journey (bleurgh) to finding out what you and your ds want/need.

dd1 went to 4 different schools in the space of just over 2.5 years. were we wrong in our choices? I don't think so. she started off in ms, then a specialist ASD school, then ABA school no.1, and now ABA school no.2. each was important in the scheme of putting together what she needed and why. some of the choices we knew weren't right for her, but we had to support her through those (ms and ASD specialist) in order to prove to the LA they were wrong, iyswim.

if oyu feel this move is wrong (after consideration and lots of talking with ds), then don't see it as a mistake. look at it as finding out something you didn't know before, and then use that knowledge to try to get what you/he want.

Has he got a comfy bean bag and a velvet blanket anywhere he can have a proper rest? A corner of the school library would do the trick? Just thinking that a bench isn't that comfy if his joints are achy. 5 mins of proper comfort is better than hours of trying to rest, (ever tried to get a decent rest on a train/plane?).

Oooh, that is a good idea. He has a lovely furry blanket that he loves to bits. I could take that in and see if they have a bean bag or something for a little rest.

Bless, he was saying no one understands how tired he gets.

Grr, I have to go to London for an interview tomorrow so I have just passed this wonderful suggestion on to DH to sort out on drop off and he looked at me like a rabbit caught in the headlights - like I was asking him to take DS to school naked!

Given your DS can articulate why he wants a SS I would guess that your LA would say he was too bright for one! I would suggest its not a realistic option from what I know of your DS and your LA.

Secondary though is perhaps a different matter. There seem to be some indep HFA / AS schools around which are fairly academic and perhaps worth investigating on the basis of bochead's advice that you would need to start to fight for a place 18 months ahead. Who knows the current school might even support such a placement for secondary?

Agnes - given statemented kids parents are supposed to name their secondary preference in year 5 - you've outed my plan

I think you are right Agnes. I know we would not get one without one hell of a battle - HFA/AS children end up out of county too at secondary school as there is no provision here. Hence mighty battle.

I think it has just brought home to me how much of an impact school has on DS. Even a good mainstream school that wants to work with you.

And it also brings home to me how he has matured and has started to express how difficult he finds things - which is good but sad too

I also felt that heart sinking feeling of - oh no, I've got to go and talk to school about something.