DS had a massive meltdown today, in front of all the other mums at pre-school

[BumptiousandBustly]

It was awful - it went on for about 15 minutes - AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Either we are totally failing as parents, or he has serious problems - how am I meant to know which it is? I feel so inadequate.

Hi bumptious. Apart from the mega meltdown, (((hugs))) so , what are your other concerns? Sorry if you have said before.

What caused the meltdown bumptious ?

Ellen - you have very kindly posted on at least one thread of mine before - about the pead appt this month.

DS is (very nearly) 4. He is VERY verbal, not very physical, very anxious - very routine based - has a bedtime routine that has to be exact, to the word, he doesn't cope with sudden changes AT ALL - before I spoke to the autism helpline and started preparing him for everything it has got to the stage where it was really difficult to get him to leave the house.

His food choices are narrowing down, he gets very upset if anything "scary" comes on to the TV and can't cope.

There are others, but those are the main ones at the moment, off the top of my head. (oh yes and the massive public meltdown)

Ineedalife - he did something on his scooter that I was telling him not to - so I told him that he couldn't scoot home. The thing is I HAVE to be so strict about the scooter as otherwise he isn't safe (he once stopped in the middle of the road and tried to grab it off me, we were nearly run over) and infact have now decided that we daren't let him scoot anymore apart from in parks.

The thing is that he just went into meltdown and starting running round in circles, shrieking and shouting at me and telling me off - and I threatened consequences but nothing stopped him - and I think in the end he just couldn't stop - so I just stood there and let him run around (it was a safe area) until he calmed down a little bit. (eventually) and then I could deal with him.

Then I think you have valid concerns and you shouldn't be blaming yourself. Let the paed know everything (have your list in writing ) and hopefully you'll get somewhere. It's not that you are doing anything wrong, but there might be different ways of dealing with your DS that you could learn, because NT parenting methods may not be enough. His anxiety sounds like a major problem for him, I don't have enough experience with it, though, as my DS isn't at all anxious. There may be hyper-sensory issues going on that are causing problems. There are enough flags to be possibly looking at ASD. Have you seen any Tony Attwood books?

Listening to what you did while he was in meltdown sounds the most sensible thing you could have done. He was safe. He was not hurting anyone else. You were there and watching him.
When he was so upset there would have been no reasoning with him. He had to calm down first.

I see you have a paed appointment. You are obviously worried that there is something else going on and its not your parenting. If you are worried enough to ask your parenting is likely to be good. If you weren't worried about the behaviour then your parenting would be called into more question. Its a natural reaction though

All you can do is wait for the appointment and try not to beat yourself up about it. I know how horrible it is when there are lots of other people around, but most of them will be sympathetic towards you. Everyone has been that "evil mother" while their child has a melt down of some sort and they remember how they felt.

hugs, ?

hi bumptious, I agree with the others, while he is in meltdown it is impossible to reason with him and you just need to keep him safe.

Dd3 used to have huge meldowns if I told her off or said she couldn't do something she wanted to do.

I know its hard but I wouldn't worry too much about the other mums, you did what you had to do to keep your Ds safe, I am sure they were probably all thinking how well you handled him.

Be kind to yourself and eat chocolate, its the best cure for stress.

one of the other mums on here said something I really liked, (can't remember who, sorry)

"them as matter don't mind, them as mind don't matter".

If any of the mums were giving you the cats bum face, well they don't matter, Like everyone else has said I am sure there were mums there looking at way you handled that and thinking wow! My ds bit me (badly) at the 'intro to pre-school' session, way to make a good impresssion! however one of the mums came and found me after and said how are you doing? turns out her older son has ASD and she just wanted to check I was ok, we met up for coffee and have kept in touch...

as needa says above chocolate also helps

I think you did exactly the right thing OP

Please dont worry about the other mums, what they think doesnt matter, honestly.

I agree with other posts and think you are to be congratulated for the way you coped. It takes courage to do what you think is best when out in public and most other parents have probably had to deal with similar situations, even when their kids are NT.

Absolutely creator My NT 3 year old is a screamer when he tantrums I just make sure he cant hurt himself and ignore him.

Thankyou very much everybody for the support, hugs, wine and chocolate (there is wine and chocolate in my evening, believe me).

I haven't read any Tony Attwood books, but will look them up (anything that helps or explains).

I really don't know what the other mums at pre-school were looking like but I do know that only one of them offered any support at that was when everyone else had left (DS was still hysterical). But then non of the people I chat to regularly were there when it started so maybe that is why.

Its really good to hear that you think I handled it well, as I just felt so helpless - DS seems to be getting worse and worse over time (I think he is getting more and more anxious and this is setting everything else off) and its the first proper public tantrum he has had since he outgrew the baby ones. (NOW if DS 2 had done this it would have been fine, but he is two, so its more expected)

maybe not clear about mums at pre-school - they just ignored me and him and all left - leaving me in an empty playground with a hysterical child and a toddler (appart from the one mum who said something sympathetic)