did ASD diagnosis make you look at your partner differently?

[wheeler]

hi all -

first - this is a wonderful set of threads, i've been lurking and not saying much here for months, but have found info and sympathy i couldn't get elsewhere...

my DS is 4 and was diagnosed with ASD late last year. he's my older child. my DD is just turned 2, she has a language delay and the 'experts' are starting to look at her...

i think i probably need to do more to meet some more mums in a similar position, talk to someone or something... at the moment i'm doing the hiding and crying thing a lot cos i'm so upset that my DD might have ASD too. i think during the long year of my son's diagnosis i was holding onto a feeling of at least i have my daughter and we'll all manage. now i'm overwhelmed. i can see years of unpredictability and difficulty ahead.

but to the point - i just can't talk to DH about how i feel. he doesn't get it. doesn't know why i'm uspet. seems genuinely not to understand that i am anxious about the children's futures, how other kids will treat them at school etc...

...and i've decided to myself 'oh, it's b/c DH is clearly ASD too.' and i don't understand why i didn't work this out years ago. it's obvious. so now i'm always kind of going over our years together before the kids, why wasn't his lack of empathy etc a problem then?

is it common, to start introspecting on your relationship? any advice? it's not productive is what i do know. we're only a few months into this and i've already decided we must eventually end up separating and then i'll be alone with 2 ASD kids etc... i need to get out more....

Your story sounds v similar to mine. ds and dd both ASD thiough dd different to ds in lots of ways. Have also realsied was bloody obvious DP is AS. We have never discussed this as I really don't want to upset dp. Also not sure what it would accomplish. Take it slowly would be my advice, if your dd does have ASD it is obviously a big thing. My feelings towards dp were at an all time low when dd was diagnosed because I very unfairly blamed him. I know this is unreasonable but I kind of still do. However he is a good father and I know that he does his best. Give yourself time before you make your decisions but can completely understand where you are coming from. I thought I needed to separate from dp to kind of separate from this whole ASD thing.

Ds is currently being tested for ASD, Paed says it's likely HFA or aspergers, but there's one final assessment to do.

So, it dawned on me that my suspected ADHD is actually aspergers, and then it dawned on my mother and my sister that their social problems probably came from the same thing. (never really been any doubt that my 'ex British chess-champian', train spotting father has aspergers)

and even DP - an engineer, of course - shows many traits (although probably not enough for an official diagnosis - he is the most 'normal' one in the family!)

I've got two sons, both ASD, both diagnosed last year, one after the other (they fast-tracked DS2 once DS1 was diagnosed). Since then, of course, I can see traits in both me and DH, and all through my family (he's adopted so we don't know much about his).

Reassuringly though, everyone has partners, jobs, good lives. Empathy a bit scarce though tbh, if I'm ill I rarely get any help with anything, and very little acknowledgment apart from at the point at which something I would normally do is not magically done. I've always had very strange valentine's day presents too, so now I'm very specific about what I'm expecting, lol!

Like a previous poster, we've had little jealousy, or really cause for it, but it's hardly a grand passion and sometimes I just want a flaming row and some wild sex - and some days any interaction at all would be nice! DH is pretty classic, Physics graduate, ex-Maths teacher, now programmer, good at chess etc.

Yes, the boys dx did affect our marriage for a little while but after a while I stopped seeing the diagnoses and started seeing them again, and I found the same with my DH. It is still there but just not as important iykwim.

You might enjoy listening to this
this (Act two). No solutions, but sometimes it helps to have more in the same boat.
I love the show by the way.... Let me know what you think.