Has your personality changed?

[chickensaresafehere]

I was prompted to ask this when I realised that I have become,in some ways a hermit
Since the start out on this long road with dd2(as yet still undiagnosed),nearly 4 years ago.I have come to the conclusion that I am a changed woman,abd not for the better.
I know that this was bound to happen but wish I could do something about it.
DH is still the vibrant,up for anything man I met 8 years ago where as I have changed so much,I rarely venture out with friends,I tend to stick to 2 friends & then it will be a quiet meal or the cinema.
Any get together involving lots of people fills me with dread & I generally try to wiggle out of it.
Going out 'round the pubs' ,doesn't interest me,although I love a glass or two(at home!!)DH & I try to go out once every couple of months for a meal,but I have forgotten the last time we went out as a couple to a party,I usually make my excuses & he ends up going alone
I worry it will impact on out relationship,as I am sure he is getting rather fed up of it all,although he says he is perfectly happy
I am currently having counselling regarding dd's disabilities & lack of dx & it is definitely helping,but I am still having problems overcoming my change in personality from out-going,bubbly,fun loving to quiet,stay at home & frightened of 'god knows what'!!

Do any of you feel the same & have any of you managed to overcome it & regain some of your old self??

Quick post as have to collect dd. But I'm sure others will be along. Ds1 is 8 and has downs syndrome, we were all at a family wedding last Nov and as I was spinning around on the dance floor with him and all the dc my dh whispered in my ear 'it is so nice to see the old you back'. He meant it in a kind and affectionate way. So yes ds1's birth and dx did affect me, but as he was our first baby I can't know if motherhood would have changed me anyway.

Big hugs....back later.

I'm much "harder" than I used to be - that's NOT a good thing, but it's just lots of "everyday concerns" other parents have just strike as sooooo bloody trivial & I lack the patience to deal.

I can seem quite "cold" to outsiders.
I'm far less trusting - you have to EARN my respect nowadays.
I no longer give a damn what people think of me as a person, or a parent, unless their opinion has a material negative impact on me & mine.
My last night out was 31/10/10 and I have no plans to change that - I used to be pretty sociable.

To a certain extent I do feel I've gone through a bapistim of fire and come out the other side changed irrevocably. I certainly see my old self as naieve.

I'd love another child but as a singleton its' unlikely to happen and that's got a lot to do with the "walls" I now have.

I am definetly 'harder' too,I come across as quite unapproachable to people who don't know me (I think).I wear this shield,waiting to defend any comments and as such I must look pretty scary!!

You put that so well bochead
'To a certain extent I do feel I've gone through a bapistim of fire and come out the other side changed irrevocably. I certainly see my old self as naieve'.

And I suppose I should embrace that but socially I am still not the woman I was & that I find very,very sad.

As Snow Patrol sang 'This is not everything you are'.

I have changed, I am much less tolerant to outsiders. Oh dear diddums has a snuffle oh and you were up last night, I just want to shout you don't know you are f@&;!ng born. I also hate when people try to empathise and say they understand. I don't how this to them otherwise I would never have anyone who would talk to me!
If I am finding things really hard I avoid going to groups for a few weeks just to avoid the above and seeing normal children everywhere.
I am certainly not carefree anymore there are always worries in my head but I suppose that is the norm when looking after a disabled child with an uncertain future.

Definetely a hermit here too lol . Very rarely have a drink whereas i used to love a bud or two, or three or more on both frid and sat nite. In bed most nites for 9pm though up anything from 4am. Still have the same bestest pal from i was 13, now im 42.... though rarely see her, we used to go out at least 2 times per month not been out from november :(. My old self too was extremely naive! I think i now have a lot more patience and understanding so this is for the better. Think i still need to change though cos im way too soft, everyone (family) tell me so, easy to take advantage of me, type of person to do anything for anyone when have so much going on myself.... so defo need to toughen up a bit.

I am much harder and able to stand up for my kids.

I am not a big socialiser but never have been. I help to run a Guide unit and work parttime so I dont need to go to the pub etc.

I dont want to go back to being walked over by people who think they know my kids better than i do.

I am now more opened minded, more compassionate, proud to have found I have more inner strength than I ever thought I had, have had to become much more patient.

I was never a big socialiser but liked to go out for drinks/meals with dh. That rarely happens - we sometimes snatch lunch on the way to a meeting.

I'm probably not as quiet as I used to be simply because my voice has to be heard to get what DS needs and deserves.

I'm hugely different to what I was but I like to think of myself as 'refined'! rather than bitter, twisted, cross, angry etc.

@ Starlight

I think I have used up all of my patience and tolerance on my children and I am therefore less tolerant or patient with 'those who should know better.' Doesn't make me an easy person to be around, I'm afraid.

Hi, saw this thread&it touched a nerve.I look at photos of me before dc,and early motherhood,and I can hardly remember being that woman.
I am compassionate and loyal to a few friends. My life has taken a completely different path with having dc with SN,but I have met some good people along the way and learned new things,so not all bad.
I've also become hard and don't suffer fools gladly.Ive had a hell of a fight to get the help my dc need,and don't care what profess.think of me any longer,or other people-you either like me or you don't.
I also agree with what bochead wrote;"I feel like I've gone through a baptism of fire...".
I have lost something of "me" along this journey and dont think I can get that back.It feels like I have been wading through treacle for literally years, and I am tired and sad.
I dont go out much socially, but my dh and I are making an effort to get away together for a few days several times a year,thanks to a very kind MIL.
My youngest dd is now at school, and last year I woke up, and thought, "it's time for me now to do something." So, I have applied to University for later this year, and am hoping I am accepted.
I have also witnessed how hard our dc have to "fight" along their journey, but also seen the capacity for change and their loyalty to us,even at our worst.
Sorry this post is so long, but it's been quite Cathartic!

I'm positively evil compared to the meek, mild pre-difficulties little me.

My patience with 'professionals' is absolute zero and my crap-radar is super-sensitive now.

I'm now the sort of person that my previous incarnation would find very, very scary.

Having said that, it's damaged me. I still have flashbacks to the very bad times. It's like PTSD. I also worry about the future.

Oh Bigpants your post brought tears to my eyes.
It is a relief to know I am not alone in my feelings,that I have changed.
I think it is a hard thing to accept though,'wading through treacle' is a great analogy & I too am tired & sad & I think this reflects on my day to day outlook on life even though I try hard not to let it.
I am tired of fighting,but I know there is more to come.
I also feel I have lost my identity,I am a wife & a mother but not a person in my own right IYSWIM.
I need to regain control of 'me',but doing it is totally alien to me

I'm now the sort of person that my previous incarnation would find very, very scary

True dat
e.g I don't need to go to Tibet to "find my self", I need to go upstairs to 8 hours uniterrupted kip in my own bed! (just once more, oh please just once more before I'm 3 score years and 10)

Lol at finding yourself upstairs!

I think it is easy to lose yourself along the way just by being a mother.

I honestly think I am a better, stronger person from having a child with special needs. I may not be still saying that when we start on my daughter's transition later this year . My daughter is nearly 14 and it has come with time.

We do still go out once a week, isn't that what direct payments money is for.

When we realised ds had 'problems' it was as though someone had ripped the shell off me, I felt vulnerable and found myself bursting into tears in the street. I didn't want to see friends, because I didn't want to have to talk about ds and hear the things that people say to make you feel better. This more than anything worried dh, because I've always been the sort to surround myself with friends, and suddenly I'd go days without going out.

I think I am toughening up, but it is taking a long time to grow my shell back, and as others have said, it isn't as refined as it used to be. I spend more time on my own (and on here) at home, and the friends I have I am closer to than ever before.

I am certainly getting better at negotiating/arguing and spending endless hours on the phone!

I dont go out with friends of an evening, I have two best friends one I need a passport to get to and the other is like a brother to me. Thats it but I am a person that likes my own company anyways. I used to go out with DH a lot pre kids times but not so much now and to be honest I dont miss it as I plan things but the stress I go through to pick something to wear and get out the door it just isnt worth it. DH is still as outgoing as ever and is out 3 times a week with playing pool league and such but he works hard and work and home so needs the break. I am happy just to have the silence I much prefer to take the dog and go off by myself during the day if I want to or go out with the kids on a beach walk that is more me.

If I HAVE to go out...unless its a jeans and shirt and boots do forget it. I neither like dressing up nor do I feel comfortable in my skin.

So you could say I was a happy hermit

Temperment hmmmmm. Inpatient, trusts very few, suspicious of everyone that has a title infront of them like DR, PROF or SIR lol, hate surprise meetings but never was a surprise lover tbh, need to know who exactly is going to be there to the shoe size. Partly due to past experiences in life and partly due to DS as this has been a real eye opener. Less bothered about myself but I fight my ground where the kids/family come from.

Alot like BigPants, I think. Dh says I'm miserable. I'm definitely not who I was before. I seem to have had all the life sucked out of me. I miss the old me. I get consumed with all ds's problems, even though they are not nearly as severe as many on here. I am fed up of the fight. I just want it to be over. But I have just applied for a statement, so actually a new one is just begining. God how i resent it all. Resent what it has done to me and us.
I remember when I was chippy and chirpy. I still go out and drink wine with people. But i am sooooooo not the same. That makes me really really sad.

Interesting.... because my observation over some years (16 we've been at it) is that people's personalities don't change. The one who is late for everything was always going to be late for everything, the one who is a misery guts was always going to be a misery guts, the one who helps people out was always going to do that etc etc etc. Imo there are phases when people are more miserable or less tolerant etc but I think that, overall, the personalities stay the same.

Bigpants - Your post has brought tears to my eyes! You have just written everything that I have been feeling for the last...............oh 8 years really. Would I want to be the person I was pre-SN child? In some ways yes.....but in so many other ways NO. As so many of you have articulated "I really was so very naive"

I have had a similar experience to hazey - really, really hard at the start and felt incredibly vulnerable so seeing people/friends was difficult. I didn't/don't get a lot of emotional support from friends so have had to deal with feeling very let down over the last few years. However, my mum and DH both say the experience has changed me (for the better) so I guess that's good. I just wish it hadn't taken me to have a child with SN to make me into a better person!