How can I help DS?

[starfish71]

DS1 13 has dyspraxia and under camhs for probable Aspergers and has not attended school since christmas. Lea have agreed to assess and we are going through that at the moment.

DS will not go out at all, he is very anxious and Dr at camhs suggested we talk about medication at our next appt. She is also hoping to get him some anxiety therapy.

He is so nervous about being anywhere apart from home. DS is a computer whizz and spends his time learning how to programme etc but this is all consuming and is the only thing that relaxes him.

Really need to help him but am finding it very hard. DS 1 8 has autism too but would be out all day if we could so balancing the two is so difficult and I will admit that dealing and trying to help DS1 is so hard.

Any advice please?

You could have been describing my DS from the age of about 6 to 15. A total room hermit, consumed by PC games and only venturing out to be fed!

Playing games in solitary confinement with no distractions was the way he managed his anxiety - by escapism.

We took him to TaeKwanDo once a week which he enjoyed. TKD has a lot of repetitive 'patterns' to physically perform - the sort of thing that appeals to Aspies. Team games were a complete no no.

If he's into programming could you tempt him into going to a Science fair or the Science Museum? You need to focus outings on things that would appeal to his interests.

If it's any consolation - DS suddenly realised one day that games were not fulfilling enough and he wanted new experiences. I can't keep him in now as he does archery, shooting, fencing, ballroom dancing..........

Ballroom dancing? Wow.

You know I always did think that partner dancing was a worthwhile ASD social skill. You get to interact without the language thing and ASD children often enjoy music and movement.

I'm trying to get Dh to agree to dance classes for ds instead of football classes as a useful skill for making friends in the future. There is always a shortage of men dancers and they become in demand for girls/women, especially if they are any good.

There is always a shortage of men dancers and they become in demand for girls/women, especially if they are any good.

That's exactly what I told DS when he was bewailing the lack of female company

I was totally gob-smacked when he started classes. And yes, he's getting lots of female attention

Thanks for replies, can't imagine DS1 dancing but you never know, maybe in the future! Think DS2 may want to have a go though!

Last year DH took DS1 to the gadget show live in Birmingam, he found the train journey difficult but really enjoyed the show. Have got tickets again for this year but he is saying that he doesn't think he can go. He has really lost all confidence and so anxious that even going over my mum's is a military operation and she is only around the corner.

It is good to hear that it can change and others have got through this but I am struggling with how to get through now and thinking of ways to lower his anxiety.
'

Travelling has always been a big problem. Public transport was impossible for many years. DS tried wearing headphones to block out the sound of the train and other passengers. I always made sure he had a PC World / Game magazine to read - although most of the ime he was too anxious to do so.

You have my sympathy.

Thanks wet. The less time he spends out the less he wants to go out. Thinks every teen is a 'Chav' , even if he goes out in the car, you can visibly see him trying to shrink down so they don't look at him.

Having to tread carefully this week, has to see the paediatrician this wed as part of statutory assessment so know that going to be very hard for him.

maybe get through wednesday and then try and tackle it a bit more.

Starfish it sounds a bit chicken and egg: he's anxious so he doesn't go out, because he's not getting any exercise he gets more anxious?

Can you aba him out of the house a little bit at a time? Eg ten mins walk in the park/woods/beach = ten mins on computer, or whatever the formula needs to be. If he's not at school then can you take him out at quiet times of day to quiet outdoor places or walk to swimming pool, library etc.

Yes that is it exactly oodles. I am going to tackle it this week, got in mind a walk or drive to library, spend 10 or 15 minutes there then come home and he can go back on his laptop. I feel I am letting him down but he is so difficult to motivate and I know I take easy option most of the time...

This will probably sound daft but here goes.

I got mine out by agreeing to go for walks in the dark.

We'd walk to the local chip shop. I'd go in and buy some chips while he waited outside. He likes chips so was happy to do that.

After a couple of years - yes, I do mean years, - he'd come into the shop with me. The next step was to coach him in the situation of buying his own chips (he chickened out a few times when the assistant asked who was waiting to be served).

He did manage to buy his own chips with me present, so next step was for me to wait outside while he bought the chips.

Probably bored you to death by now but it's tiny, incremental steps over a long period of time with lots and lots of rehearsal.

As his psyych used to tell me - fears become bigger when you chose not to face them. Facing them helped him realise there was nothing to fear.

Good luck - it's a full-time job.

No that doesn't sound daft at all! In fact DS said this week that he didn't mind going out in the car when it was dark, so that is a start.

Thank you, know I have to do tiny steps with DS but to know that it can be overcome is so reassuring to me. Have just told DH and he agrees that is probably best way to go with DS, we will just work at it very slowly and if it means night time trips then that's how its got to be.

Can you tell I am still struggling to get to grips with being a non conventional family! Thanks :)

Good luck! You know he's going to complain, but you're doing the right thing getting him out.