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SN children

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Original poster

DS been invited to a birthday party, what do I do?

18 replies

NoDontLickThat · 03/03/2012 08:40

DS (5yrs old) is being assessed for asd, ADHD, and dyspraxia, but we're certain he is on the autistic spectrum. The other mums and kids at school don't know anything about his special needs. He is a lovely happy boy when with me, but at school he can be quite a handful. He's been invited to a 6th birthday party today at a large softplay, but he's at the age that it's expected of parents to just drop children off for party and pick them up once it's done. I'm really concerned about leaving DS alone, I am not confident that he won't have a meltdown when asked to leave the softplay to get their party food for example, I've got loads of scenarios in my head where something goes wrong and no one knows how to handle him. When he is anxious he acts up really badly and when stressed will hit other children and shout at (possibly even hit) parents/workers. But he could also go along and be the sweetest, happiest boy in the world and everything will be great. I don't know what to do. Do I leave him and hope for the best? Or look like a strange and overbearing pfb parent and insist on staying at the party?

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oodlesofdoodles · 03/03/2012 08:53

How long is the party? Can you linger at the start and reappear early at the end? Can you go on the bus so it isn't worth your while going away? The parents might appreciate an extra pair of hands anyway.

Original poster

NoDontLickThat · 03/03/2012 08:59

It's from 1pm to 3pm. DP would be dropping me off and picking me up in his car (or we'd be dropping DS off and picking him up) as you can't really get there by bus.

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giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 03/03/2012 09:01

just say you will hang around, chat and get yourself a coffee, no one will thing it is odd.

kilmuir · 03/03/2012 09:13

tell them you are hoping to meet a friend there???

lionheart · 03/03/2012 09:27

You won't be the only one who stays.

AgnesDiPesto · 03/03/2012 09:42

lots of parents still stay at 6 especially at soft play parties. I doubt you will be the only one.
DS ASD is so obvious that everyone knows and we just say DS will come for a bit but we may only stay 1/2-1 hour and all parents been fine with that

StarlightDicKenzie · 03/03/2012 09:45

It's easy to stay at a soft play. Less so at hosts house. Have you a younger child that you can take independently to keep an eye?

Original poster

NoDontLickThat · 03/03/2012 10:12

Thanks everyone for all of the advice, DS is an only child so no smaller kids to keep an eye on. I'm going to stay, I've asked DP to stay with me and we'll say we're just staying for a coffee (even though we don't drink coffee ), and then we'll be there if anything goes wrong

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scattergun · 03/03/2012 10:19

If I was the host I'd say you're absolutely fine to stay if you want to, and I'd say that to any parent. If you wanted to try leaving him, I'd prefer you to tell me what might trigger problems, what to do if he gets upset and at what point you'd like me to call you.

scattergun · 03/03/2012 10:20

Sorry, very slow typing.

bigbluebus · 03/03/2012 11:01

As others have said, I think at this age no-one will bat an eye lid at you staying and I feel sure that others will stay too. I can remember when DS was that age and he was invited to parties at the local leisure centre. Joining in was not his strong point and football was his worst nightmare. I used to stay ( it is a lot easier to do so if it is a public building) and it used to end up with me joining in the football whilst DS sat at the side and watched!!!!

Catsdontcare · 03/03/2012 13:40

Hope it all went well. Loads of parents still hang around at parties at that age. I suspect the birthday parents are always a little relieved to have some other mums or dads hanging around

Original poster

NoDontLickThat · 03/03/2012 13:52

Hi everyone, ok well I got there and there was plenty if staff there looking after the children, the parents all left the children and didn't stay. After judging the situation and ds's mood I spoke to the bday girls mum, left my number and have left with dp to get his hair cut and am going back after about 20 minutes to check in on him and grab some lunch there.

I've never left him before at a party so am really nervous but luckily he went to a party there with us last month (relAtives party which is why we stayed) and we go regularly with him just to play so he knows the place very well and I explained everything that would happen just like the party last month so I think he'll be ok.

I'm still worried and I keep checking my phone, it might sound trivial but it's a huge step, but I'm sure all will be fine and he'll have a great time.

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bochead · 03/03/2012 14:38

Be honest with the host. Give them your mobile number, and stay within earshot if you can depending on the venue. If at a leisure centre, there's always a cafe. In people's homes most won't mind if you retreat to the kitchen. Church halls have benches outside normally.

Find out what sort of party it is so you can pre-warn your child as much as possible. Oddly if you are honest with a party host and explain you want to avoid a tantrum by doing this people are OK. I have a private word when accepting the invitation, so I can prepare my son. I also don't insist he stays to the whole event, 30 mins is fine so long as he says please, thank you & gives the birthday child his gift (so people don't think he's stomped off in a strop).

The all-time worst party guests ever are the NT utterly spoilt brats who throw an over sugared mega tantrum cos the birthday child is the centre of attention. Every parent is familiar with the "violet elizabeth type" and every parent holding a party with any sense will appreciate your honesty - I say this as someone who used to run kids parties for a living!

TheTimeTravellersWife · 03/03/2012 14:51

DD has ASD, dyspraxia, ADD and MLD. Although she is 8 I still have to stay with her at parties. Parents know that she has SN and I tend to make myself busy helping out in the kitchen with the food and I find that the parents are always grateful for an extra pair of hands.
Parties in church/village halls are easiest.
I have also sat outside in the car for a small party in someone's house were I couldn't stay and be unobtrusive.
Hope that your DS has a good time!

BackforGood · 03/03/2012 14:51

Well done you. It must be hard for you to leave him in this situation.
In general (bit late for today!) I'd always advise the host parents that he was being assessed for some sp needs and that he sometimes found party type situations stressful. You can maybe give a couple of tips (warning him a couple of times when it was nearly time to come out the soft play for example?) and say you were going to be nearby if he was getting distresssed / didn't "appear" to be co-operating. Most parents will really appreciate the heads up and be able to handle things a bit differently from the way they might if they just thought he was being 'naughty'.

5inthebed · 03/03/2012 14:59

Well done for leaving him. I hope he was ok when you got back to pick him up.

Original poster

NoDontLickThat · 04/03/2012 22:36

He was fine he had a great time! We went back after about an hour and sat down at a table out of sight and he was just enjoying himself with the other kids, I feel like he's getting so big now, next it might even be invites for playdates and him making best friends! Thanks for all of the support

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