new here, but looking for some advice.

[shellyboo3]

hi, I've not posted on here before but really looking for some advice. I have 3 children, 2 healthy girls and a Autistic son , who is nearly 6. My problem is for the last 5 years we have been trying for another baby, but due to previous problems my only choice is now IVF. So here is my problem, do i spend x amount of money to try and get a baby, or do I adopt? we have been looking at adopting a child with a disability, not sure to what extent the disability would be, but what do you think? is it a bad idea to have another child when my youngest is autistic? everyone keeps telling me it would be the bigest mistake i can make.
I just see it as i want another child, so why not have a child that is already born and needs a loving home, rather than through thousands at doctors to try and get me pregnant.
any advice woulsd be great thanks, and if i have posted this in the wrong place i'm so sorry, but never posted here before.

I think you need to stop listening to "everyone else" and weigh up the pros and cons yourself.

How does your son deal with new people
Can he cope with noise as depending on the disability the new child could be noisy.
Do you feel you can share yourself between assisting your present son and a new child with a disability and how will your son cope with sharing his mum :)

Some children have other issues along with a disability and would need more support than the norm, would you and your present children cope?

You will know yourself if this path is a good idea x

I think you need to talk to the adoption agencies and ask a about your chances of adopting tbh.

The hoops you need to jump through are considerable and there is some predjudice against families with an already disabled child, which is madness imo because they are the most experienced and able to cope with any behavioural or challenging problems a new adopted child may present with.

The cynic in my believes that they don't actually WANT experienced parents who know how to fight the agencies but I have been badly damaged by my experiences so who knows....

If you adopt you can choose an age range that would best suit your existing family. I've often thought it really sad that once over 4 kids adoption chances fall to close to zero unless it's intrafamilial adoption (eg aunts or grandparents). the adoption process will force you to look at your realistic "limits".

Older children end up in this situation much more often than our pc media admits due to the increase in single Mums. A lone parent gets cancer and what happens to the kids? I just think you'd be doing an amazing thing if you could help one of these unfortunates rather than an NT newborn (for whom the demand is sky high).

As to a child with disabilities, again the adoption process would force you to look at what you could realistically cope with. My own AS son is in a school with a deaf unit and odd as it sounds that's a really compatible pairing where both groups benefit a lot from each other. On the other hand my sister has a disability that is totally incompatible with DS's needs and I dread the call that says she needs to stay with us for a while (through no fault of her own!).

With regards to IVF - if that's what you decide the only thing that would put me off would be the appalling success rates for some groups of patients. With rates from 80% success down to 3% depending on a variety of factors I'd want a really clear expert view of my odds before shelling out, simply cos I've seen people spend £50k+ without success.

Both options are awful emotional roller coasters for different reasons - it may be you can handle the stresses of one, but not the other. I used to want to adopt or long term foster but after a bad experience would never have a social worker in my home voluntarily for any reason whasoever, another women might not be able to handle some of the medical aspects or the hormones of the IVF route.

Either way it's you that would have to do all the work so unless you are expecting the opinionated to donate hours of free childcare everyweek, then their opinion really means very little in the overall scheme of things. It's what's best for YOUR family that counts, not the gossips.

I couldn't do it myself. I find looking after my own DSs enough for me, but my broodiness stopped after 3! As coff33 says, how do you think your DS would cope with another sibling, one who may need lots of your attention? My DS3 is the best thing to have happened to DS2 (ASD), TBH. On hand playmate who 'gets' him and is there to push him from below. But DS3 is (almost!) NT and while he has suffered a little from the attention paid to DS2, he has still thrived himself.

I have a lot of admiration for you to be considering adoption of a DC with a disability, I suppose parents of DC with SN aren't as scared of the prospect. At least you would have some idea of what disability you would be facing. I hope you can weigh up the pros and cons and come to the right decision for your family. X

The only choice here is the one that suits your family... I am one of those who spent 30k plus on IVF treatment, we were extremely lucky that on our 5th and final go it worked and we now have twin boys, one who has since been diagnosed with Autism.

You really need to be realistic, there are NO guarentees that the treatment will work, even when you have had conceived naturally before. You have to be made of strong stuff to face the failed cycle and build yourself up for another, and the process, was for me equal in stress levels to that I have endured through my sons life to date.

I also have a friend who after only one cycle of failed fertility treatment went on to adopt children who have Autism and she has proved that she is definatley cut out for the struggles that this brings.

I think for you the adoption process will be harder in such that the adoption agencies priorities lie with the child who is to be a adopted, so could potentially argue that you already have enough on your plate, so to speak. That said, you would not know this until you tried.

Whatever option you chose, will have it's pro's and con's, and neither will be plain sailing, so it really boils down to what choice suits you as a family.

Good luck in whatever road you chose...

wow thanks for all your advice.

We will be meeting someone from a local agency regarding adoption, and if it is a realistic option for us. I never thought that they could discriminate against us because we have a Autistc child, though when i think about it, that a good reason to turn us down. thank you for pointing that out, it could have come as quite a sharp shock.

Ivf is something we have thought about for years, but as someone said spending 50 k and still not getting a child is alot to come to terms with, aswell as the months that it doesn't work.... not sure i could bounce back from that.

thanks for all your advice you have gave us alot to think about :)

there is and adoption/fostering topic, you could look there

No experience of this myself,but my friend adopted a child with disabilities and she had a biological child already who had disabilities.I would hope each case is taken on its merits..............
It sounds a great thing to do and all credit to you