Desperate for another baby, but too scared because due to genes and statistics. What would you do?...

[detoxneedednow]

Hi everyone.

I remember posting something very similar a year or so ago and actually i'd pretty much come to terms with the fact that DD would be an only child and DP would soon get the snip.

The problem is, i'm only 27 and I always assumed that I would have at least 2 children, so I guess this feeling was inevitable at some point.

Me and DP, who aren't in the best place right now, financially, emotionally or sexually for that matter, were talking last night about my sister who is expecting her first baby in June and I let slip how broody I was looking around for baby clothes etc. He looked quite happy, but then rather out of the blue and going against his expression said that we'd made our decision a while a go, so let's not go down that road. Then the inevitable conversation came up about the reasons we decided to stick to 1 child.

For those of you who don't know, DD is more than likely on the spectrum and my DP struggled at school academically and socially. He has accepted that he is probably somewhere on the spectrum himself. As are his mum and dad i'm sure. The more research I do, the more that becomes obvious, which i'm sure rings true with a lot of you.

I know it sounds crazy to say that i'm seriously considering having another baby given how me and DP are struggling and our concerns remain the same. The thing is, the longing for another baby is so great and I think I will always regret not having another one, another brother or sister for DD, who would be an amazing big sister.

Me and DP love each other very much and a lot of our bickering and stress is mainly caused by our financial issues, which to be fair are pretty huge. Obviously that would be really irresponsible to just go ahead and have another baby, just because my desire is so strong. But I think as long as I knew once we were more stable that it may be on the table to to speak, that's all I can hope for.

How many of you have more than 1 DC on the spectrum? I hear so much on here that many of you have multiple autistic DC's. Do you cope? Are you happier with more than 1, or is it, in a way, easier?... Or on the flip side, is it a decision you in some way regret? I hope nobody is offended by me asking such a blunt and personal question. That certainly is not my intention, i'm just so torn. Like I say, I'm desperate for another baby, but at the risk of sounding too cheesy, do I listen to my head or my heart? They might actually be saying the same thing, but i'm so confused right now I just don't know

Any advice or experiences really appreciated and needed.

Thanks for reading.

whoops!! title makes no sense Take out "because" and it should make sense.

I have:

dd1 (severely ASD)
dd2 (hovers around the AS/NT border. lots of traits, needs careful handling, will probably end up with a dyspraxia dx eventually)

and am pregnant with (unplanned) number 3.

there is two and a half years between dd1 and dd2 - we knew, when we decided to have dd2 that dd1 was delayed developmentally, and strongly suspected autism.

we decided to go ahead on the basis that: we knew what to look for, and could/would do so earlier. we also knew what we could do to help, in terms of interventions. but yes, we took a huge gamble.

I always wanted 3. but after dd2, we talked a lot, had a few relationship issues, and the moment seemed to pass, iyswim?

dd1 is 7 now, and dd2 is 5 - so both at school, and I was just beginning to get some semblance of a life back. I am over the moon to be having number 3, but can't say I don't worry. and we woudl not have planned it, I don't think, for various reasons - SN, age (dh is no spring chicken!), balance of life (we are just about on top of where we are, and a third child will obviously change all that, NT or SN). but, it happened, and I am happy it did. we will deal with whatever happens next, one step at a time, as we always do.

I have DS who was dx with moderate-severe ASD when DS had just been born.

It has been the best thing for DS, to have a sibling and takes the pressure off enormously. Younger siblings don't know any different and look up to their brother/sister and pester them for interaction practice.

I have no concerns about dd except for some low-level sensory issues and some border-line OCD things that I'm watching.

We are having a planned 3rd because we have seen not just how great DD is for DS but actually how fantasic our SN DS is for DD.

There are no guarantees and I coukd really do without going through the battles I have for DS for another child, but the actual disability issue has become less of a concern as I have got over my sense of 'entitlement' to NT children iyswim. It just doesn't work that way.

Thanks silver

I think if i'm being completely honest, I thought we would have had another happy accident ourselves, as DD was not planned and we were using contraception. I guess I thought it would have been taken out of my hands by now, but 5 years down the line I'm feeling like it's now or never as DP is 30 next year and has said that he will have the snip by that point as he really doesn't want kids over that age. I know he's still really young and i'm sure if I really protested he would wait a few years, but nevertheless, the pressure's certainly on the make a decsion once and for all.

Whatever DD has, it certainly isn't severe, but a few years a go it was a very different story. Incredibly violent tantrums and very limited social skills. DP said that he really couldn't handle going through all that again. Pre school were very concerned, but now she's at school, they don't agree that there's a problem and just say that she's a "character", but that's another looooong story. For whatever reason, she is a little different and the idea of her having a brother or sister who may relate to her when her peers may not, is actually rather comforting in a way. Having said that, from what i've heard on here if you do have another DC on the spectrum, it's normally on a different degree or level. Did you find that silver, with your 2?

just typed long reply & lost it argh - the gist was:

we have 4 children - ds1 has ASD, my dds are nt but it is too early to say whether ds2 is affected. When ds1 was diagnosed dd2 was 6 weeks old & I couldn't imagine having a 4th - we were too stretched emotionally. There are exactly 2 years between dd2 & ds2, he was technically unplanned but we had always wanted 4 & knew that the family wasn't complete without him. I was delighted to be pregnant again.

We have been given a recurrence rate of 1 in 3 - and at 9 months we're moving towards the developmental age where delays may become apparent so I'm expecting a stressful year ahead & we'll be starting some low key ABA work with him.

I know where to start with ASD. ds1 is a delight - by far my easiest child. ds2 if he is affected may be more severely affected but tbh it isn't so much ASD that worried me but a different disability, something unknown & unexpected.

starlight, what a lovely story.

I remember my mum always saying when I first had DD and before we even knew there may be a problem, that 2 DC's are easier than 1 and I thought she was mad! I understand now what she was saying and I wonder if, to a degree, that that still applies with SN children, but possilbly in a different way.

oh god, dh is 50! 30 is nothing (but obviously, if that is how he feels, then he has a right to)

dd2 has been the best thing for dd1, as Starlight said. when they were little, it meant that dd1 got to go through the developmental stages over again with a peer, and pick up stuff.

dd2 is dd1's biggest fan, and fiercely protects her, and teaches her stuff (dd1 would, these days, be considered more moderate than severe, i guess. she still has a major language disorder, which is her biggest hindrance). dd2 recently had to draw a picture at school of 'home' - she drew two little girls, and her sentence was 'I love my sister'.

the differences between needs in my two are huge - dd1 has a major language disorder, and a possible mild-moderate learning difficulty (hard to assess, givent he extent of her language disorder). dd2 has sensory issues, OCD tendencies, and confidence/self worth issues, but is probably ahead academically, if anything.

but underneath that, they are remarkably similar too (and also totally opposite - I am not being very helpful!).

hyper, I completely understand what you're saying about fearing a different kind of disability. I suppose I don't feel that I coped very well with DD in the begining, but then I do understand that i'm not alone in feeling that. I see things differently now though and if anything DD's issues have made me a stronger person. That's not to say that there still aren't bad days where i really struggle.

It's the constant changing my mind that I find mentally exhausting. I'm so sure one minute that I don't want to take the risk and then the next, i'm so sure that I want another baby and accept that there's always a risk involved when having a baby. I think until we actually have another, or DP has the snip, i'll never accept it. Even then, I may not. I'm worried that if in another few years we still haven't had another and DP get's himself sorted, that i'll end up resenting him for having the time restriction. That could potentially break us.

I'm single and too long in the tooth to be likely to get the opportunity now and it's something I'll deeply regret. Having another DS doesn't scare me as I'm not sure I'd know what to do with an NT child now anyway! He is what he is and I know no different.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me. My issues have never been with my child himself - only a "system" that has abused, ignored and belittled him iyswim. The system has been our biggest "disability", but you have a huge advantage with subsequent children as you know so much more about how to negotiate the godawful sen maze. With your first you have such naive trust.

Do be aware that a second child could be NT or have a totally different disability of some sort. I'm also gonna admit that very rarely I've come across a totally NT child I just couldn't stand cos they simply had a very unpleasant personality, and I've found myself pitying their parents

No parent gets a totally easy ride as NT kids get pregnant at 13, do drugs, get caught shop lifting, have serious accidents etc everyday, even when they come from the nicest homes. Worrying comes in the job description of being a Mum no matter what the circumstances.

No silver, you are being helpful. Your last post made me shed a tear when you said DD2 drew the picture with the sentence 'i love my sister'. I bet you'll treasure that forever.

I think another reason for me wanting another one so much, is because i'm so close to my sister. We didn't always get on growing up, we were so very different. Now though, she's with out a doubt my best friend and nobody knows me like her. A sibling bond is so very special and I don't want DD to miss out on such a special relationship. Having said that, DD is 5 already and if I leave it too much later they'll be such a gap that they wont really have that relationship as they'll be such an age difference. I know lots of people who have siblings who are much older or younger and they don't have the same bond or relationship as siblings who are closer in age. Obviously there will be stories to the contrary. I'm just speaking from my own experience.

bochead, how very true about worrying comes in the job description of being a mum. You can't just order one without any problems, or problems only the same as your DC.

detox, about the age gap - there are 6 years between my dd1 & ds1 (then 3 in 4.5 years!) - they are extremely close & choose to do an awful lot together (including sharing a room). dd1 & ds2 are 11 years apart & she dotes on him. dd1 & dd2 are 11 & 2 & spent hours yesterday afternoon building a huge brio town together ... don't worry too much about age gaps :)

(there are 21 years between me & my youngest sibling & we still do lots together!)

oh - I am the youngest of 3. I agree that is was in part my childhood experiences (we didn't always get along as siblings, but overall we played well enough together) that meant I definitely didn't want just one.

I am closest to my oldest brother - he is 5 years older than me. we were really close as children - he and I were inseparable from my earliest memories. even once he was a 'cool' teenager, he never really minded if I was about when he had friend over, and when he was 18+ and I was 13/14/15 was always happy to see me out and about in town, even if he was with his friends.

dd1 will be 8 when the new baby arrives. but becuase of her difficulties, she isn't anywhere near that age in maturity terms, and so their age gap will seem less.

dd2 is an absolute sweetie (when she isn't bieng overbearingly controlling ), and yes, I did have a lump in my throat when I saw the picture (all pregnancy hormones, obviously ). but she really does talk about her all the time, she is really proud of her big sister, and tries to include her in everything. she does a cookery club at school, and once a week brings home some delicacy that she has pummelled into submission, and she is happiest when she can share this with dd1 too (dd1 has dietary issues, so this doens't happen often). as she comes out of school, she will ask me if I have a treat that dd1 can have if it is something that cannot be shared.

it all sound sso Pollyanna, I know, but they are really close. they do disagree (well, more I disagree with how dd2 tries to control dd1 at times - dd1 is too passive to resist), and there are issues. but they share a room (by choice, we have enough bedrooms for them not to share), and usually the first person each of them think of is their sister. hopefully number 3 will slot in too, and we can carry on being chaotic, but ultimately happy.

Ok, well that's positive. I think I actually feel like the pressure has lifted a bit as far as time is concerned. Maybe that's why I felt like I was losing my mind slightly, because although i'm still young, I feel like I have this giant clock ticking and the alarm goes off when DP's 30. I guess we need to seriously talk about that. I definitely think that 30 is quite an extreme cut off age, but his dad had him when he was quite a bit older than that and although he loves his dad, he resents the fact that his dad was the oldest of his friends and he got teased about it I think. Also his dad acts older than he is which obviously didn't help. So I can understand why he doesn't want to be much older than he is now. Having said all that though, I'm not sure we're on the same page. I know he's really upset about DD's struggles and somehow feels like he's to blame and that, again, comes down to his genes, which of course, aren't his fault.

God, I don't know. I know I could twist his arm if I was sure, but I don't think I ever will be. I certainly don't want to go ahead with it and have him resent me in the future if things go wrong and I don't just mean if we had a child with SN.

This, by far, is the hardest decision i've ever made and probably ever will make.

Oh God. You'll never be sure.

I'm 6 months pregnant now and STILL not sure about a 3rd.

One thing is for certain however - I'm plenty sure about the 2nd one.

I think once they're here, they're here

Yep, you can't argue that.

I'm not really sure how to approach it 'seriously' with DP. I think last night, he just thought I wasn't joking necessarily, but didn't mean anything by saying I was really broody. Maybe he just thought I was simply telling him how I felt, rather than what I really wanted.

It just seems a strange and maybe inappropriate subject to bring up the way things are between us right now. Everytime we get into any kind of deep conversation recently, it turns into a massive argument where we're basically throwing insults at one another..........I know, very mature I think if anything, it's almost turned into a habit and a habit which desperately needs beating.

Is it completely irresponsible of me to seriously consider all this the way things are?

It's funny in a way reading these posts. My story is a saga and a half!
1999 had twins 5weeks early boy and girl. DD was Dx with Treacher Collins Syndrome where the bones in the face don't form properly (it was very popular on the tv last year!) and causes deafness, swallowing, breathing, speech, palate and feeding issues. She has had over 26 ops to correct, save her. DS1 was my saviour. She was in SCBU for 5mos and it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. When she came out I had to do all the tube & trachy changes myself etc. It was a massive learning curve for me. Meanwhile DS1 seemed to be developing and was happy with his collection of whatever toy he was into that quarter. When he was 4 it was suggested that his incredible vocabulary and interests may indeed be an Aspergers trait. I was devastated as he was the most normal child in my eyes. By the time they reached 6 I accepted that he was on the spectrum. Then we had DS2 who so far is the most NT child I could wish for. 8 months after he was born I fell pregnant with DS3. I had terrible complications with him in pregnancy and they found fluid on his brain (ventricularmegaly) and calcification around his liver. We were reassured by doctors galore that DS3 didn't have TCS, but as soon as he was born I saw it in him just a milder version. He also had torticollis which hampered his movement as an infant. I realised at 10 months that he wasn't like DS2 in behaviour, and we began the Dx for ASD.
My main worry during each pregnancy was the Treacher Collins (TCS), I never thought for a minute that we would have a deaf severely Autistic child, with TCS. Funny how things work out. I couldn't imagine my life without any of my kids. They are my entire world.