Stupidly went to a singing group with ds this morning, that i haven't been to for ages. It is run by a group of mums, I used to go with the dds when they were tiny, and it was always one of my favourite things to do. Every child there was streets ahead of ds, even the 9 month old was crawling and shaking maracas, 2 things that ds can't do. 2 of them had just started walking, (1yr and 16 months). All the mums there know about ds and his delays, but I don't think I was prepared to see such a huge difference between them, and I could see in their eyes that they weren't either. I think it seems more marked because he has lost a lot of weight recently through illness, and looks more like a little boy than a baby, he was also very very clingy, so just wanted to cuddle up on my lap, whilst all the other lo's explored and played.
I am full of anxiety at the moment, 3 of ds's appointments have been delayed, and our support is either slipping away or isn't working as it should. I am suddenly full of panic about the future, and sitting in that lovely room with babies and toddlers just mooching about in such a carefree way suddenly seemed a million miles away from worrying about genetics tests and physio and what the hell to do about special needs nursery and the fact that ds won't let another adult go near him. I sat and drunk up my coffee, and smiled and said how lovely it was to see everyone, and walked home and cried and cried.
I probably shouldn't have gone, but that's stupid isn't it? Ds will grow up with these children (we live in a small town, and are part of a tightknit community through dh's work) it's good for him and them to participate in these things together, isn't it? I know I need to toughen up, but I felt as though I was in a little bubble in that room this morning.
Anyway, I'm sorry to have a moan, and it doesn't matter if no-one posts on this thread, it feels good to get it off my chest.