Oh Coff33 ((hugs))
As CuriousMama said, there's no need to apologise, we all need to come here and let it out sometimes.
Its awful that in order to access the help and support our dcs need we have to constantly focus on the negatives, when there are so many pluses and positives to our beautiful children that very often others see right through - they only see the difference, not the beauty.
Whenever I read your posts, I am always struck by what an amazing, strong and loving mother you are and what an incredible relationship you have with your ds. I strongly believe that we have the children we do for a reason and regardless of anything else, your ds is your boy, loved unconditionally and simultaneously held aloft yet wrapped up safe by an incredible mother.
The problem is not with your ds, or with you its with the rest of this bloody world that refuses to accept differences and see them as strengths. We all have to spend half our lives carefully shaping ourselves to fit the standard mould, when in a world this huge there should be space for every single individual to be exactly who they are, without fear or judgement.
There's probably not a mother on this forum that doesn't worry for their child's future, but one thing I have learned of the past couple of years is that you have to take each bite as life throws it at you. Worrying about the past or the future just saps your energy for dealing with the now.
I could never have believed that my ds could have come on as much as he has in the past 6 months. I could have written your post a year or so ago - in fact I probably did write a few that were very similar, but, we have had parents' evening tonight and its obvious that with the right support in place, things can go well for ds1 and he can succeed and be happy.
The same will be true for your ds. All the questionnaires and negativity of the current process are just a means to an end, althought I know that each an every one makes you feel like you are somehow betraying them. Eventually though they will lead to the answers that will help you and others to identify and secure exactly whatevery it is that your ds needs to thrive and be happy. Please believe that - try and focus on a bright horizon if you can, because it is possible and we all have to believe that.
I wish I could do something to help, but instead will send you more ((hugs)) and hope that things move swiftly with the Maudsley and you soon have the answers you need for you all to move postively forwards.