Don't really know what I should do...

[Rizzlekicks]

Hi,

I am not new on the SN board, just name-changed as this is a bit of a tricky one.

When my DS, aged 8 with ASC, started school 3 years' ago, I became extremely friendly with one of the mothers and we built up a very strong relationship over a few months. She had 3 older children from her first husband who tragically passed away when her children were far younger. She then had a DD with her boyfriend many years later and the DD is in my son's class.
One weekend, when I was staying with them, all the children were playing upstairs apart from my DS, who was banging loudly on the piano keys. Despite my having asked him to stop, my DS continued playing on the piano, it did not seem to be upsetting the few adults in the room. I went to get something in the kitchen and then heard someone scream out 'SHUT UP' and then screaming. I rushed to the living room, to find the boyfriend storming out and my DS on the floor screaming, in an absolute traumatised state. When I asked one of the adults what had happened, she said that the boyfriend had hit him.
I took my DS to a room where he took half an hour to calm down. When I came out, everyone had left apart from my friend (ie mother of the girl) who was crying and said that she could not believe that I saw what her boyfriend did. She then said it was best that I left as he would not be in a good mood when he returned.

I was absolutely shocked by what had happened and unfortunately our friendship ended as I never received any apology/ explanation from my friend with regards to her boyfriend. To be honest, I never really got a chance to talk to her as he turned up to any get-together, including a mum's night out. I kept it to myself for a long time (in a way to protect her, I suppose and also because i could not bring myself to tell anyone as it disgusted me) and when i did eventually tell a handful of people, they were absolutely shocked and said that I should have contacted social services. Many also felt that the reason she had not apologised was because she was completely dependent on him. Despite not being married, he paid rent on the house and brought up her other children almost as his own. She was possibly too scared for losing her security?

I found out a few weeks' ago that her boyfriend died very suddenly. I did send her a quick text to say we were thinking of her but could not bring myself to write or go to the funeral. I made a contribution towards flowers for her family. When I told my DS about his death, I asked whether he remembered him to which my son said "yes, he was the angry man who hit me". This had not been discussed since it happened so it is a clear indicator as to the impact it had had on my DS.

I cannot forgive the man for what he did and whilst I would like to approach my friend, I really do not know what to say to her. I would like to give her a hug as she is a good person and I feel sad for the bad hand that she has been dealt over the years. I suppose part of me cannot do it as we were drawn apart by what he did, what he represents, and I sincerely do not think I would be able to mention him in anything other than a negative way. I am unable to really talk to anyone at school about this. What should I do as it is really on my mind at the moment? Any advice would be great. Thanks

i would turn up at her house on your own with a bottle of wine/ jar of coffee and ask if she fancies a drink with you. Chances are you will find that her boyfriend was very controlling at the least, if not violent towards her and that is a hard thing to get away from or even admit it to yourself let alone your friends. i also think she doesnt want to admit to you that she was wrong as it will be extremely hard for her as she will probably feeling really guilty.

i wouldnt mention him unless she does. its obviously going to be hard but at least speaking to her is the only way to be able to move on as friends.

my brother turned his back on his friends when he met his now ex because she was very manipulative and controlling (i know its nowhere near what you and your ds have been through) but when they split up only a small handful of friends were there to support him and their friendship have become even stronger. he really appreciated it and realised how much he needed his friends. he is now with another girl and has not made the same mistake. i think your friend will realise the same if you went round.

Thanks countydurhamlass. I am worried that so much time has lapsed and just not sure how she will react so soon after his death. Do you think I should give it a month or so before going over?

No, just go. Soon after a death there are loads of people in and out, so it's less of a big thing than if your first visit is in a months time. Plus a bereavement is typically when old friends you haven't seen in ages drop by or call to say they're thinking of you. You can make it a short, sweet visit just to give your condolences and ask what practical help would be useful.

You don't have to grieve for the unpleasant person, you just need to express sorrow that your poor friend has had the awful shock of being suddenly widowed, not just once but twice. Even if she was trapped in violence, or on the cusp of leaving this guy, she'll be reminded of her first loss. And bereavements tend to be even messier if the relationship was dodgy.

Were either of the deaths drug or alcohol related? Cos if they were, a lot of the informal social support network she 'should' have, will be too busy being judgmental to remember that a sudden death is dreadful, whatever the cause.