I need help or advice desperately about how to manage these situations. Autistic child tantrumming. Please help?

[himynameisfred]

Here is one example of the type of thing that happens on a daily basis, and what just happened now;

My 1 yr old was having a nap, he woke up crying and must have strumbled as he came to find me, I went to him to sooth him as he was half asleep and crying, in need of a hug, etc.
My 5 yr old son, autistic and easily the size of a 6-7 yr old came in growling and screaming as he didn't like his brother crying.
I warned him several times to be quiet.
He hated his little brother crying to grabbed him and ragged him around a bit while shouting a roaring 'no' at him.
I got up and told my older one 'NO' and pulled him out of the room, and went back to sooth a now hysterical DS2.
DS1 comes storming back in repeatedly roaring his head off and flailing, generally scaring his younger brother.
I tried to keep him out by holding the door and trying to calm my younger one.
It is SO SO unfair for my younger child to have to go through such frightening situations.
DS1 comes storming back in, I grabbed him and drabbed/pulled/carried him out.
I am 6 months pregnant, I should NOT be having to do that.

I have taken my 1 yr old (he's 22 months old but small for his age) before and fled the tantrums and locked us in the bathroom to get away from DS1 but DS1 grabs and pulls at us, he is VERY strong.
It's not safe for me to carry my younger one while DS1 is trying to pull me over.
I have no idea how I will manage these FREQUENT situations when my baby is born????????????

I finally came out of the room to find DS1 laying on the floor pulling and gripping at his own neck, looking like he'd been strangled, gasping 'mummy I hurt myself'.
I had to walk by and get DS2 downstairs, I then came back up and kindly but quietly brought DS1 down. Now he's watching TV.

I keep hearing that I can't get room locks as social services think they're child abuse.
Well how the hell am I to manage simple things, like breastfeeding when my baby comes?
I will need to at least get a lock for my bedroom door to keep me and baby safe during his outbursts.
And I thought about somehow padding my door on the outside, so when he's wacking into it to get to us it won't cause to much noise.
Then I thought my other smaller son will be left out and DS1 may go to him and hurt him.
So what is the answer, having my two younger ones in the same room as me to keept them safe?
OR I could get a lock for DS1's room to keep us all safe and settle while he has his tantrums, often at 3,4,5am.
But I'm going to get into trouble for locking him in his room right?

What ON EARTH am I supposed to do??

I will have to buys locks of some kind, and risk social services coming and accusing me of abuse, won't I??

Does anyone know how to handle this?

Hi, thanks so much, some great replies.

I've just moved, so thanks for reminding me about homestart I will traqck them down tomorrow and ask.
I'll also try and make another appointment with the paed.

I know what you're saying, I don't want DS1 being 'the problem child'.
He's a wonderful boy really, so kind and caring and helpful usually.

I will get him some ear defenders.

I will set him up in his own room properly, I have both boys beds in one room right now and then a spare room intended for DS1 so will sort that out.

I'm interestedi in the safespace, if I can't put him in it when things are diabolical then I don't know what it's use would be though, because this child follows me and pushes and pulls and hits me, he will throw his whole body weight into a door to get to me, as I sit behind it trying to keep him away, this can last 20-30 mins.
Why should any baby or toddler have to go through that? listening to the screaming and screetching and being bashed into by the door as I hold them?

There needs to me a lock somewhere to seperate us, so """"I"""" can go calm down if anything, when I'm getting a door knocked into me and it's shoving me none too gently half a metre across at a time, while I have my younger boy crying his eyes out holding my legs, believe me, I need to be able to get away. It's not fair on anyone.

There needs to be a LOCK some seperation

I feel like fainting when carrying my own body weight, so I won't be baby carrying. I'm severly anemic.
Going out to the shops and park is doable during in an energy spurt.

DS1 isn't in school, still waiting on that, I've done all I can do, it's in the local authority's hands.
Maybe things will be better when he's in school??

He's never been to school

I agree that you need to find him a quiet, safe, nice place where he can go to be by himself. He is probably reacting like this because the noise is terribly upsetting to him, the noise might even be painful. If he has a quiet place to go, then he will be better off.

Be careful not to use this space as a punishment. The danger there is that he will learn the best way to access the quiet space is to wildly misbehave. You need to teach him to identify this need himself and take himself to the quiet space.

I would ask for the help of an LD nurse. Social services might help with money, but you need the help of someone who understands behaviour. Your GP can arrange for this referral. Make yourself sound as desperate as possible. No one wants to take your child with autism away from you, but you should be getting as much help as possible.

You also need school and respite from social services. I'd call the local authority and start talking about your DS's "legal entitlement" to education. If you aren't squeaking, they will ignore you. Squeak and squeak loud.

Also, when your DS2 cries, I would sort out DS1 first. As soon as you hear DS2 cry, help DS1 find his safe space, ear defenders, and lovely things. Get him comfortable. Then deal with DS2. DS2 can probably wait 3-4 minutes, and then he will have a much nicer time with you.

Such a lot of good advice, especially ear defenders/safe space, giving him other strategies to take care of himself. My children are older now, and it's got so, so much easier. I had a very similar situation with crying baby/ super sound sensitive angry autistic 5 year old.

Two other thoughts. My ds with autism never slept through the night in his life until he was nearly eleven, when we gave him melatonin, the sleep hormone, which he wasn't producing properly. He sleeps happily every night now, and talks with wonder about his 'lovely sleep and DREAMS!' that he never had before. I don't know if it's something you've come across or tried; not everyone likes it, it was amazing for ds2.

Also, not wanting to minimise anything in any way, and absolutely you rpriority is to keep everyone safe. I hear you saying how unfair it is that your other child has to deal with this, and this time when they're little is very hard sometimes.
BUT I also truly believe that my other children derive great benefit from their brother. It isn't what I'd have chosen, but they are mature, kind, self sufficient compassionate kids. They benefit from the amazing parent I've had to become, who has had to learn to be patient and resourceful, who doesn't give a stuff what anyone else thinks of them, I think I'm so much clearer about what matters. They may not get so much of my time, but I'm bloody good, and I don't think I'd have learned anything like so much so quickly if I hadn't had to.

I'm aware that you're right in the middle of it at the moment, and it might not sound like anything useful, I'd have been the same. But it was a help to me to start to ease up on the guilt about the effect on my other kids on top of everything else, and I think it was a help to them too. It was hard for them to be happy and loving to their brother and make a good relationship with him anyway, and me believing that he was only bringing suffering to them was not helpful. And it's so, so different now.

I hope you get some support soon. I agree with everyone whose said you need to let any agencies know how bad it is on the worst days. We can get used to sounding like we can cope because we mostly DO, but to get help you can't hold back, or be too proud to hide how desperate you're feeling.

Contact Homestart, they can provide a volunteer who will provide a couple of hours help a week (whatever is needed, practical and emotional support)

Contact your local carers centre, they can sign post you to any local organisations that can help and additionally they often have funding for short breaks, clubs etc.

Hi Fred! I really really feel for you! I too have a very tall and very strong nearly-5yr-old with AS who gets extremely aggressive and destructive. When like that he will not stay anywhere deprecate for him (and as you so say, myself) to calm down. He follows me and the younger ones and is a real danger to himself and siblings. Like you, I have had to push the door shut to protect ds2 and 3 from his violent outbursts.

I was very close to having a nervous breakdown, and I do have a supportive dh who is home by 6pm. Just a couple of hours with all three would turn me into a nervous wreck.

I'm not in the uk so the support I am getting now may not be available to you, but I got paeds and therapists from the autism centre to help me apply for a 1-to-1 behaviourist to come to our house. We'll be getting 20 hours/week of support from them and I am sooo relieved. I feel like I can live again, rather than just exist. And the behaviourist is not poly working with ds1 on his deficits but is also training me and dh how to deal with him properly.

I really hope you get some help sorted soon. I know how stressful and draining and also frightening it all is when little dcs are involved too.

Good luck!

Sorry for the odd typos! Phone making strange auto correct choices ;)

Thank you so much, everyone. All these supportive comments mean a lot.

Homaestart has been shut down in this area thanks to government cuts.

I have the health visitor coming out Wednesday and told her today that I'd like to be refered for a support worker at the childrens' centre.
If they can give me CAF meetings or something, like I had in recent years that might help?

Still need to do; get to a paed and ask abot melatonin.

• ear defenders

Going to an Autism support group tomorrow.

Have been refered to disability part of social services.

Am waiting on hearing back from the special needs school about a place.

DS1 threw a major tantrum tonight. I spoke very quietly, didn't give him eye contact, didn't respond to much other than what was necessary, was very patient, got him into bed and stroked his arm.
Forced myself to be so calm and it was all over in about half an hour!

Phew.

Basically I need to just drop everything that I'm doing.

It's the times when I put myself first, like I wanted to finish the ironing earlier, that things get bad, so I just dropped everything to deal with DS. I guess I just need to do that.