parents of dyspraxic children - how do you help their self-help skills?

[Saker]

Ds2 has a lot of dyspraxic type symptons along with speech and language difficulties/some autistic traits.
He is now 4.5y and cannot yet take his shoes off let alone put them on, can't get many clothes off and none on, eats more or less entirely with his fingers, spills when drinking from an open cup, isn't toilet trained - basically his self-help skills are still very behind.
I constantly have good intentions to spend time with him practising these things, so for example, when he gets in from school I try to get him to sit down and undo the straps on his shoes, and make an attempt to take them off or when he has a drink to give him an open cup. But so much of the time we are in a rush, he's not very keen to try and anyway he seems so far off being able to do it so I just end up doing it for him or giving him a beaker, or letting him eat with his fingers.
What I am wondering is whether if I don't do these things enough he will never learn or if I can just leave it to the school and accept that it will take him longer to get there. Particularly parents of older dyspraxic children - how did your child learn these skills, and how much time did you spend with them backward chaining etc to help them? Do you think there is anything specific that helped?

My ds is 18 now(dyspraxic/dyslexic)and took a long time to learn the finer skills. I used to single out the most important task at the time ie 'drinking from open cup' and work solely on that about 5-10mins a few times day. Otherwise we'd end up frustrated and he would be resistant. I would give it a time limit of solidly working on it say a month if some progress was made continue if none looks likely move on to another important one and go back to it after. Thus your not spending all day trying to achieve everything at once. Incentives always helped with his determination as i did find sometimes he wasn't motivated to learn.

A very good friend of mine's eldest daughter has dyspraxia. I don't really know what it means. I don't feel I can ask her. The child, who's 10, goes to Montessori so there's no way of really knowing what's what. I'm curious & concerned -- I've known the little one since she was born & can't believe that the withdrawn child I see now is the adorable smiling baby I knew 9 yrs ago. Can anyone end my ignorance?

my DD9 has not been diagnosed with dyspraxia tendencies (yet). I was concerned she had dyspraxic tendencies, but the EP was more concerned about her aspergers tendencies... apparently there is an overlap of problems.

Anyway... Daughter is 9 and last year we all started to eat together as a family... what a NIGHTMARE... she spilt her food everywhere... used her fingers whenever she could, knocked drinks over..hubby was stressed.. it was like a chimps tea party... BUT one year on she is much better.. we brought her a easy grip knife and fork, this helped.

Dressing... at that age daughter still had problems.. especially with tight socks and seams... we now get a size bigger socks for her so she can just slip them on.. her clothes were really just slip on... no buttons on shirts or trousers.. (actually.. its still the same now.. she can do buttons but it just takes to long for her.. then there all in the wrong holes)

I think what I am trying to say is that it will come in time.. he is still young, and yes I was probable doing a lot for my daughter at that age too.
Does he see an OT at all?
Does he have strong hand muscles

Saker, I posted to you on the other thread, rather idiotically!

This is what I posted.

Honestly Saker? I just couldn't do it. Life gets in the way, it really does. Met his NHS OT today - fantastic woman, specialising in DCD so ds went straight to the top of her list - hallujah! I was saying to her I just couldn't do it. I have to get out of the house. I know if I do it I will end up shouting at him which is no good for either of us, and she said that she also thought parents shouldn't be therapists - it was just too much of a strain, and I could have kissed her, frankly. I just can't. Ds isn't a child you can 'encourage' to do things as all the books say. If he doesn't want to do it, he won't (except possibly for chocolate bribery). I try to follow improvements in his abilities, not lead them iyswim. So when I notice he is, say, manipulating bricks into a tower at a playgroup, then I might give him a fork with his dinner but as well as a spoon. His clothes are still wrecked though! I do ask him to, say, put on his socks every now and again to see if he is now able to do it better, but if he isn't then I'm certainly not going to spend the next ten weeks battling for two hours to get him to put his socks on (which he still can't do). I think so much of development is internal, not external and those of us with children with siblings who don't have similar problems (dd is now walking well at 11months and actively trying to put her own baby shoes on!) realise very quickly. I think as long as you check every so often and respond positively to any requests - mummy, I want to do it myself - then that is the best you can do in a real world, esp with work, school and more than one child to fit in.

By Saker on Wednesday, 25 January, 2006 8:34:38 PM

blimey you have 9 DDs

What ages are DD1, DD2, DD3, DD4, DD5, DD6, DD7, DD8, ?????

sorry shouldn't have done that

My DS is 10.5 years and has dypraxia and hypermobility

He is still slow dressing and laces are a real problem but in senior school he will not be able to have velcro

So he has trainers with laces to try to practise

whoops
DD age 9....

whoops just posted on the other thread...
my ds, age 5.3 is still afwul at dressing but a recent obsession with spiderman (& consequent purchase of top, pjs, socks & pants )has seriously motivated him! He still can't really work out which bit goes in which hole or puts on socks with heel bit up but at least he is finally trying instead of waiting for me to dress him. As for toilet training he NEVER showed any clues as to being ready so one weekend I just bit the bullet, stayed in & kept the mop handy - he amazed me by being dry 3 days later. Poo is quite another story,I'm afraid it took another 4 or 5 months. Anyway try at weekends when you have more time and patience & good luck because I know how frustrating it is

DD is now 7 and she struggled a lot with quite a few of the things you've put down at that age. I don't know for sure but I think the not being keen to try is quite typical avoidance behaviour and DD did this a lot. But if you think of it from their perspective, a lot of things take a lot more effort for them than it does for other children so you can see where they are coming from on this.

We've tended to focus on one thing at a time as well but not so that she realises what we are doing. I've found she does get there in the end but takes that much longer and I try not to stress about the things she can't do. Like Aloha's DS, she doesn't respond very well to me trying to get her to do things Also, I make sure that things are as easy for her as I can make them ie toggles on coats, velcro, easy to open pack lunch box.

Sansouci, dyspraxia is a problem with fine and gross motor skills and planning. DD for example found lumpy food a problem when she was little, was very late to jump, pedal a trike, couldn't use scissors for ages, is a very messy eater, arms used to flap weirdly, she will fall over the buggy when we are out if I don't remind her every so often to watch out for it. It makes me really sad to see what you have written about your friend's DD being withdrawn and makes me wonder how much appropriate help she is getting. I have found that with DD, the extra help she gets has really increased her confidence and she is blossoming. She has had OT & physio in the past and now gets a session doing OT & brain gym with the SENCO each week and is supported in class by the teaching assistant. All things that have helped her enormously.

Kittypickle, can I recommend the book Caged in Chaos, written by a superbright 16 year old severely dyspraxic girl? It's really good.

Thanks Aloha, I've just bought it (I had a slight mishap with Amazon one click so it will be interesting to see how many copies exactly!) It sounds like it will be really interesting reading for me now and DD later.

Can I do a slight hi-jack of this thread and ask whether anyone has applied for or considered applying for DLA for dyspraxia at all ? A friend has suggested it so I've been having a think about it.

Like Aloha's ds, ours would find it hard to be obviously "taught" skills by us, unless he'd asked, so we either just elaborate upon things he may show interest in (knots for climbing for example) or do it "on the job", allowing extra time where possible . This year ds (7) has had to learn to do school shirt buttons and top button and can now just about manage a tie himnself. We did a little practice before school began but the faff if tryign clothes on got to him ! The buttons he just had to work out for himself, by fiddling, starting at the bottom and gradually doing more with me finishing off. Top one was stiffer and took loads of encouragement but oen day it happened and he hasn't looked back. Tie, I basically sing instructions to him while dressing dd ie. over, back, over, up and down through the hole, pull down, hold and slide. Sometimes it gets twisted , sometimes he'll get halfway through and get lost, sometimes it's spot on, but now he'll always have a go before I need to intervene. dh showed him how to slide it and put over his head for PE. He only started this school this year, whilst most had come from the PrePrep school where they could wear elasticated ties and some still do, much to his pride that his is real! He still finds some fastenings hard though and we always try coats on him to make sure he can manage as far as possible. His old OT worked hard with him on laces, scissors and other such skills but we're still waiting for the NHS to provide OT so are having to identify the problem areas and subtley practice ourselves.

Having a younger sister has egged him on in practical skills such as using a knife and fork , which he still finds awkward in a way she never has. Also peer pressure at school has meant that he can do things more efficiently than previously like eating and changing more quickly.

Would something like a doidy cup work for your ds or using a straw. dd is coming up 4 1/2 and will usually use fingers at home but always eats nicely with knife and fork at school ! ds has only really used a knife in the past 18 months so try not to fret too much over that one yet.

hth

Aloha and Wads, sorry about the other thread, that's my incompetence in not checking the title.

SoBlue - that's a really good strategy, I do get bogged down in trying to do it all at once.

Rummum - no he doesn't have strong hands and finds it hard to grip. That's part of the problem and it makes it so hard showing him what to do, you know, he can't even begin to do some of it.

Kittypickle, we get middle-rate DLA but DS2 doesn't actually have a diagnosis of dyspraxia and his other problems probably contributed to him getting it also. However a lot of the case I made was to do with the amount of extra time I have to spend doing things for him, like wiping his face and hands between courses at meals, dressing, changing him etc. I wrote a timetable of my day highlighting all the extra help he needs compared to an NT 4-year old.

Aloha - I feel a lot of relief of not being his therapist now he has gone to the special needs unit. The nursery nurse there is a very matronly figure who pays close attention to details like dressing, changing and eating. Half of me feels I can just relax and leave it to them but the other half is concerned I might undermine them if they are determinedly trying to get him to use a cup and he's not thirsty enough to try because he has had a long drink from a spouted beaker at home . But equally I can't bear to think of him being really thirsty and not being able to take good gulps of drink and sometimes my heart breaks to see him struggling away with his shoe or something - it's the associated mouth movements he makes with the effort. I am really hoping they will take over on the toilet training though.

LIZS - we do use a straw sometimes but even holding the cup steady and keeping the straw in it is quite hard for Ds2. Plus he quite likes a little spill and if a bit does spill he likes to paddle his fingers in, maybe add a bit more to the party . And the straw gets chewed to bits.

Tbh I have never been that good at teaching self-help skills anyway. Ds1 (6) is a bit incompetent although not dyspraxic because he has less practice and I cut up his food for him etc. But with him I know he will learn eventually. With DS2 I feel worried he might never get it.

Sorry you feel like that Saker. He will improve, you know that, and you have yet to find out at what pace.
I think if 'helping' him makes you both stressed and unhappy, you are better off not doing so. I truly believe that. I know it is the case for me.

Oh Aloha - sorry I was being a bit melodramatic - most of the time I just get on with it - but sometimes I watch him and it just seems so unfair how much effort it is for him to do a simple task. I was away at the weekend with friends and some of their 1y olds could do things he couldn't. He is improving and now he is at school he will get a proper OT program etc so it should all help. Once he has got the hang of something a bit he is happy to try - for example he can take his trousers off now and really likes to do that ready for his bath at night. So I will concentrate on the positives and maybe just one task a month as SoBlue suggested, but being prepared to abandon if he is not ready or willing.

Saker - my DD is 9 and she has come on tremendously in her self care skills in the last year or 2. We had a programme of exercises devised by the OT and Physio jointly which I think helped to strengthen her pelvic and shoulder muscles. She can now pretty much dress herself (although if things go inside out when she takes them off she can't sort this out). I now also shop for clothes that mean she will be able to cope them on her own eg. sweatshirts, joggers etc.

Her cutlery skills still leave a lot to be desired but she has learnt how to spread marge/jam after a fashion. She has also learnt how to do up her seatbelt in the car.

As someone has already said, it all takes so much longer than normal. At 4, DD couldn't dress herself, put on her coat, I was still lifting her into the car, and she was eating with a spoon.

I would guess that your DS probably isn't ready to tackle a lot of the things you mention which would make it frustrating and pointless for both of you. If you have a bit of time, it might be more productive to do things like jumping, commando crawling, trip to the park, swimming, threading, buttons, playdoh and so on rather than focussing on particular skills. Hope it goes well!

Sylvm Thanks for the advice. I did read somewhere that improvement in gross motor skills leads to improvement in fine motor skills by providing general stability. Certainly Ds2 often props himself up with one elbow on the table meaning he can't use that hand very easily. Also he does enjoy things like soft play, trampolining, swimming a lot more so maybe these are the areas to concentrate on.

You have all made me feel better about the amount of help I give him and that he is not ready for a lot of these things yet.

I've been lurking on here and agree with everything that's been said. It's also reassuring - my 4.5 yr old with dyspraxic traits is getting the hang of dressing/undressing, buttons etc. but he's so painfully slow. I'm afraid that I've been nagging him a bit because it frustrates the hell out of me. Reading this has made me realise that he's actually doing quite well. I'm definitely going to follow the advice about concentrating on one thing at a time (dressing/undressing in our case, because he doesn't like being last when they get changed for PE).