Performance anxiety or non compliance/avoidance?

[AprilSkies]

Ds is usually compliant, however, if something has made him anxious, he becomes very non compliant and demonstrates avoidance in other tasfillip lowing the incident that made him anxious. Question is, when a child is anxious, I.e lost confidence, should you "follow through" or take it slowly and entice them another way.

An example is, Ds is approached with a new toy, he becomes anxious as he doesn't know what is expected of him. New toy is taken away but DS refuses to cooperate with things he is comfortable with or even wants to do, afterwards. How do you handle this?

Basically take the softly softly approach or firm approach?

With DS I go for the softly softly as firm doesn't work. Softly softly doesn't always work but at least there is less antagonism to get us both wound up as occurs with the firm approach.

Tasks following - that's should say.

We have an issue with Dd3 where she refuses to try on or wear new clothes, I usually put them on a hanger and hang them on a door somewhere where she will see them. I find that after a few days she will try them on, she just seems to need to get used to something first. She is the same with shoes.

Your DS might be the same about new toys, try leaving them around for a few days and see what he does.

I would definitely go for softly softly, forcing in my house leads to disaster.

Good luck

You see I go with softly softly and distraction but I haven't been consistent with the firm approach so not sure that would work better. He needs to get over his anxiety which is extreme. Just torn between how to help him get over it. Some experts say firm, some say softly softly.

I think the firm approach may depend on how important an issue is to you - pick your battles!

I veer on the softly, softly as it largely works - let DS get used to the idea, praise and encourage and reward and then use this as an example the next time.

I like the idea of hanging clothes up so the child gets used to them - very interesting! I might try that one.

Children will build up walls and their worlds can get smaller and smaller. I think the older they get, the easier it is to explain this and express understanding for it, while being that bit firmer about what you want them to do!

Having said all that, this is just my opinion - you know your child best!

It doesn't always work AT, but I keep the labels and if she is still flatly refusing afer about a week [like last years school dresses and a few coats] I just poke the tag back in and return them.

I agree about choosing your battles, I cna be firm when I need to be and just put up with the shouting/growling and general crossness. Luckily for me total melt downs are rarer now.

Dd3 has anxiety issues around me which her school are helping me with, because she vomits when she is anxious her old school used to send her home.

Her new SENCO has told her [with me present] that that is not going to happen any more but that doesn't mean she has to go it alone. Last time she had an anxiety attack at school the SENCO spent an hour with her claming her and talking her down. She is the first person other than me who has ever been able [or bothered to try] to do it.

Even though the idea of not coming home is harsh for Dd3 the help she is getting is still softly softly, I personally do not believe that firm would work with full on anxiety.

I don't believe firm works with anxiety either. Trouble is I see anxiety when others see defiance. Ds is my only child, so maybe my judgement is wrong sometimes, but I'm learning. I'd rather err on softly softly then go firm and build barriers. I get the impression others think I'm naive... I do use firm for things I know he is usually happy to do. I am just reticent about using it for things he is unsure off. It's such a fine line...

Do you ever get the impression professionals think as you are the mother you are subjective which is of course true, but they think that makes you incompetent in dealing with behaviours? I just question myself sometimes, is it true or is there a middle ground?

A proff once tried to tell me that I wasn't managing Dd3's behaviour in the right way. I said to her, "I am not here to ask for help with her behaviour I have come for help to manage the anxiety and find out what is causing it.
My other children coped with small changes in their routines without vomitting and I know that is not a common response so don't tell me it is a behaviour issue!!"

Sorry didn't mean to press post then,

Sometimes you have to get a bit stroppy, you know your Ds.

I do push Dd3 sometimes and I have boundaries but she is a rule person anyway and she is devastated if rules get broken so it is softly softly for me most of the time.

I think you know your child best and choose the battles. With DS I am firm with needs to be done and soft with less important things. I'm sure t he firm approach makes them more stressed and anxious but with DS it was t he only thing that worked when he was younger.

Even these days he would do the retained reflexes so I bought the time timer clock and set it to 10 mins, explain we will start doing them in 10 mins and idont take no for an answer, worked a magic in few days until he got the clock concept.

Thanks everyone, I think I need to be more confident in my abilities as Ds is responding well to the approach I use. Thing is about professionals, they don't always know your child like you do and also I think sometimes there can be miscommunication between them and us, which doesn't give them an accurate picture. I'm going to stick with softly softly for anxiety based behaviours but continue to be firm for things he has clearly demonstrated he can do and is happy with.