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Original poster

Blow out on the train

19 replies

frizzcat · 16/02/2012 13:17

Dh has taken a few days off and was taking ds to the transport museum. Ds was beside himself with excitement. 30mins later I get a phonecall from dh saying ds was upset that the train was going too slow and then it stopped outside if London bridge presumably waiting for an available platform. Ds then got properly upset - had I have been there the situation would have been defused by a quick explanation and a stern look. Dh however, took a struggling ds off the train at london bridge - cue a massive upset and apparently lots if staring.
Regarding ds I'll sit down with him later and work through the problem and take him back on the train and we should be fine. Regarding dh, now I know these these things are stressful but I'm a but cross with him because he seems to be completely incapable of handling things when I'm not there - now what would have been a lovely half term activity has turned into a stressful day - what is it with the dh's? Anyone else the same?

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 16/02/2012 13:26

It sounds like you're the one who does most of the trips out, so have to deal with the behaviour or there'll be no food in the fridge?

Hopefully your dh will learn from the experience (and discuss strategy with you when they get home) Maybe use it as an excuse to get him to practise more - trips to the park, swimming, shops for reward toys etc and you get a nice little break to mn and eat chocolate in

Be encouraging, both ds and dh need to be able to spend quality time together and mistakes along the way are completely normal

PurplePidjin · 16/02/2012 13:28

PS, I'm not a parent but ex cunt bil actually employs a carer once a week so he can take the kids (one with asd) for his access visit of 5hours

Original poster

frizzcat · 16/02/2012 13:41

HaHa that does not surprise purple - oh and don't worry they'll be back on that train on Saturday - dh has to learn to cope and ds has to learn to trust. I think the main thing is that ds knows I won't tolerate that behaviour and so if I say no it means no and all threats are carried through. Dh is softer he feels bad and offers multiply warnings and then rarely carries them through - the result is that they both lose their tempers - boot camp for the pair of them

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 16/02/2012 14:14

Only way to get used to it is to keep doing it. One day, ds will need to do it on his own!

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 00:19

My EXP couldn't cope with DS either. My DS was OK in public but it was the staring from members of the public that led him to state he wouldn't take him out anymore. One of the main reasons he is the EXP.

Triggles · 17/02/2012 08:21

Yup. DH is the same way. I'll give him specific phrases that work well with DS2, and he says "ok" and then it all goes out the window. He ends up frustrated with DS2, shouting, and generally being irritable and everyone's miserable.

Why he doesn't listen is beyond me. And it'd be different if he was just finding his own ways of coping... he's just doing the same things over and over, even when he sees they don't work.

It's men, I tell ya. Drives me bonkers.

auntevil · 17/02/2012 08:36

Same here. Personally I think its due to lack of practise, but when it affects everyones moods, I feel it hard to give him more practise time!
DH can turn a potentially enjoyable family day out into a nightmare for all - sometimes before we've even left the house.
I've decided not to book a holiday this year as last year most of us found it too stressful. DH has said he cannot spend a whole 2 weeks away - it drives him insane. I spent the whole time on eggshells trying to fend off any major collisions. Its just not relaxing. He keeps asking when i'm booking the holiday. Does 'when hell freezes over ' sound too soon?

manfrommars · 17/02/2012 09:13

Hi, our DS is 7 with asd. One thing that we find can be very effective for managing behaviour on outings, visits etc are 'social stories'.
Apologies if I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but a story (with lots of pictures) can greatly help a child understand what is going to happen during the various steps of the outing particularly if you can include some of the things that might go wrong (eg: the train might be late in which case we'll go to the cafe for a bun!). You can the go through the story with them a few times before the outing.
They take a bit of effort to put together but can then be fairly easily modified for many activities. Sounds like they might help your DH as well :)

Triggles · 17/02/2012 09:19

Actually I think I need a social story for DH.

"How to be patient..."

PurplePidjin · 17/02/2012 09:52

Trig:

I love my son. My son loves me. We both love going on the train.

When we are on the train, ds may find it very noisy. When we are on the train, ds may not understand everything that is happening.

I can help my ds. I can use a calm, slow voice. I can explain why the train has stopped outside the station. I can reassure ds that the noise will stop soon.

I love ds very much and I am good at helping him.

Triggles · 17/02/2012 11:53

pmsl I may print that and give it to DH thanks

Original poster

frizzcat · 17/02/2012 23:26

Ds is fantastic on outings he doesn't care where we go as long as we are out - the difference is me being there. I think social stories for dh is the way forward

OP posts:

Triggles · 17/02/2012 23:49

heheheeee. I showed DH the social story... he just raised his eyebrow and looked at me for a minute.

Does that mean it didn't work?

PurplePidjin · 18/02/2012 12:42

It means you have to read it with him twelvety bazillion times a day for a month, Trig. Otherwise they don't work

Original poster

frizzcat · 18/02/2012 23:28

And probably act it out for good measure!

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PurplePidjin · 19/02/2012 13:21

Ooh, yeah, roleplay

unpa1dcar3r · 19/02/2012 13:34

My Ex is the same; one of the many reasons I couldn't stand him anymore and had to get rid!
No patience and no bloody idea how to avoid meltdowns. OK they're not always avoidable but even then there are ways to handle them but he can't.
Demanding answers to his shouted questions when he should know the boys don't answer direct questions and don't respond well to shouting...and then him getting even shoutier and them getting even more stressed...

Saying that, he's had them this week and apparently they've been angels cos he kept it relaxed. Maybe now we're not together my constant explanations are starting to sink in. Shame it didn't happen sooner!

Triggles · 19/02/2012 13:34

I still rather feel like this over him being confrontational with DS2 on things like this - especially remembering almost 3 yrs ago him telling MIL and DD same thing (that DS2 doesn't do well with confrontation, needs a more measured approach) when they were staying at ours to watch DS2 while I was in hospital having DS3. yet... 3 yrs later... he's STILL doing it himself!!!

Original poster

frizzcat · 21/02/2012 17:00

Phew - glad to see my dh isn't the only one!

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