Advice re ASD DS and school- long- sorry.

[WannaBeMegMarch]

My first request for advice.
My 8 yo DS is newly diagnosed with ASD (Aspergers) though I have known forever that he has problems. Since starting at school, I have regularly chatted to teachers and Head about the difficulties he has with sound, light, handwriting, PE etc etc. In fairness, the school have always been open to hearing and helping.
However, his big problem area (as I see it) is socially.

He has always struggled to make friends not least because it is an extremely sporty school. And he is a science head through and through. As a smaller child he couldn't run well so didn't partake in running/tag/chasing games. He started hiding birthday party invites when they stopped being at soft-play centres and his classmates started to have parties at football venues.

I feel it is coming to a head. Late last year, he invited all the class (approx 20 boys) to his birthday party. I had 4 apologies; and we went ahead and organised for the rest. No-one turned up. He was (still is) devastated.
This evening at dinner I asked if his class had missed him being out for 2 days (he was ill). He replied that 'why would they miss me- all the boys in my class hate me'. He later went on to say that some were teasing him 'we wish you were a football so we could kick you''.

Now I recognise that he doesn't get social rules. He doesnt get that most 8 year olds are not interested in the solar system or DNA. He doesnt get how to switch off his interests and listen to /feign an interest in others.
He is friendly with 2 or 3 other boys but from my observations they are kids who have their own difficulties. Thats fine and if it makes him happy- work away. But surely its not on that he feels the rest of the class have an active antipathy to him?
What can I do?

Exactly Fiolondon I was angry/disgusted/sad/angry about that. He had been having difficulties before that but that really tipped it over. I got myself over it but it's a big ask for him.

Interesting point Fio. I actually did bring it up in conversation with both the class teacher and HT. Both clucked and said how awful for him 'thats dreadful' etc.
But that doesn't fit with dismissing what he says as 'being blown up in his head' does it? I think I need to write it all out for them. I lay awake for literally hours last night writing angry letters in my head.

What do I need to say? Outline whats happened; question their Anti-bullying policy; ask what action they intend to take; question if a nerdy, science orientated child is welcome in this school; question if people with differences are to be tolerated or included....too much?

Anti bullying strategies in general and for independent schools

This school is possibly just barely salvageable for your DS if they suddenly and robustly implement all the accepted, commonly known good practice for inclusion, pastoral care and bullying. And learn more about asd too.

But it doesn't look likely... and some schools, state and private, are quite happy to let bullying drive out the non-standard-issue kids. And the stateroom is often similar, so word gets around and for the unlucky NQT who applies the teaching unions discuss work related stress and constructive dismissal claims.

Your son sounds an absolute delight, and in the right environment plenty of kids will count themselves lucky to get a birthday invite from him. yes, social skills matter. But real friends are because of shared interests, being good for one another and because their character is good.

Aargh I mean staff room...

We had similar problems with school when our DS was in Year 5. The SENCO went so far as to tell us that people with Aspergers were known to be paranoid. Tony Attwood's book provided some good quotes to respond to that. We managed to get the SENCO to set up a circle of friends and things improved enormously. There are probably many children in your son's class who like him, but the dominant children can prevent the others from showing any friendship. The good news is that self esteem can be rebuilt. The teachers do have to intervene actively, though. Clucking isn't enough.

Some of the class are probably ok (perhaps the 4 boys whose parents rsvp'd, the lads who have their own problems, a few who are nice but easily led). But really, if the school passively accepts that a SN child will be marginalised and that their problems with bullies are of their own making... words fail me. What role do the head and governors have?

Like indigo, I'd say consider state as he has more rights. Plus more of them in any area so more choice. I am guessing the advantages of prep for him are staying till 13+ and more chance of getting into a small classes, academic, suitably geeky high school. Some sort of vaguely sporting interest can be useful, even if it's more sports science or history of the local teams, but at this age it's all muddy football unless staff actively divert them.

Scouts means he has some social strategies. They could work well elsewhere. Other private schools will have playschemes this week, popping in to see thise wd let you have a sneaky look round. If you do decide to move him, the notice period wants discussing with one of the SEN expert solicitors' helplines.

ASD outcome is influenced by nature, nurture and niche. unless you home educate, you'll need help with the last. And really, with the right attitude from the adults, plus explanation of why he is a bit different, other children would be nicer and he could have a better time.

DS1 gets a lot of support from his classmates, and their parents are lovely to him. His quirky-not-quite-asd friend in another year gets lord of the flies stuff.

Thank you all for your continuing comments.....I have done a letter to take in tomorrow morning (we have only Thurs and Fri for mid-term). I have stuck to a saying what has happened (all the events since his birthday last year). I have asked for an investigation and what steps will be taken to stop this bullying.
I think they will try to make it about his social skills and I have said that he has shown great restraint so far; that he has been taught how to behave at home. But bullying involves the bully, the victim and the onlookers.
Am I going in too soft?
Woolly brain today- have a tap for a nose, I am dying with a cold- excuse if this isn't coherent.

Yes good points, thanks Fio