Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

Original poster

Aspergers Son and Meltdowns Over Not Winning!

15 replies

woopsidaisy · 05/02/2012 08:08

Hi. My DS is 7. He is popular and gets on well at school etc. But he really struggles with not winning or being "best".
For example, shouting at younger team-mates at football class for being "crap" when other team scored-note,he is not exactly Wayne Rooney either!
Coming home from other lessons,e.g., tennis in foul humour/teary because someone else did really well.
Sobbing and spending half an hour screaming about best friend because friends premiership footie team beat his team!
Today he had a meltdown at home time, because he found out someone else won a homework comp! He came second!
We have always stressed the importance of taking part that counts, being part of a team etc...being a bad/good loser....but he is getting worse!
Has anyone any experience of this? Any books or anything to help?
Much appreciated.

OP posts:

JaneMare · 05/02/2012 08:14

i have no advice whatsoever as we've had to retreat from anything competative at all with DD (4.8yrs)

she can just about cope with a game of snakes and ladders at home, but it's the concept of trying your hardest but not being able to control certain elements she can't cope with (i wanted to roll a 3 not a 6, that sort of thing)

the suggestion of a race to get socks on (a Health Visitor stalwart ) is enough to send her over the edge and always results in screaming, shouting and refusal...

so marking my place on your thread, woopsidaisy to get some advice too - hope you don't mind

LeninGrad · 05/02/2012 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peekabooby · 05/02/2012 09:35

Similar situation here, apart from ds isn't popular and hates football but the losing, not being the best is something that we deal with daily.

We use a social story each time he gets upset about not winning etc, we actually managed to play cluedo this week without tears when he didn't win which is a first for us.

It kind of takes the fun out of stuff because we know it will end in tears, He didn't even do sports day last year because of the stress he had jobs helping the teachers and he loved it.

Will watch this thread with interest for some more tips.

Dillydaydreaming · 05/02/2012 09:42

Ah bless him woopsidaisy, my son is on the autistic spectrum and exactly the same. My son is now 9 and if it's any comfort is much much better than he was at age 7, it is still an issue though. I feel for you because it's so hard and I am always hoping someone will come along with some magic advice.

Like you we stress that it's the taking part that counts and try and play games with him where he won''t necessarily win but it can stillbe hit and miss (am thinking of the game of Ludo at his grandmothers which was upended when he lost).

Are school doing anything to help him? My son responds well to social stories and his school have invested in some software to help him write things out (called Communication in Print). My son is very verbal but it masks his lack of social understanding as it does children with Aspergers.

I dread him reaching the age of 17 and wanting driving lessons - trying to imagine what he'll be like at traffic lights!

WannabeMegMarch · 05/02/2012 09:45

JaneMare I'm afraid I snickered when I read your post. My undiagnosed but I am not stupid I can see where this is going 6 yoDD is just like that. Have a competition to see who can get dressed first in the morning? Are you mad.....the rest of the day would be for picking up the pieces.
Snap/ Snakes and ladders/ tag in the garden/ whatever....she must win. Even if we blatantly allow her and twist the rules for her- she doesn't care as long as she wins!

OP I dont have experience of this with my spectrum DS (he's not popular, struggles socially and hates all sports as he's dyspractic). But I lurk in hope of wisdom for my DD.

Ineedalife · 05/02/2012 09:54

We have this with Dd3 she has very high expectations of herself and gets very frustrated if she isnt the best at something.

We have never been able to do "sock races" either OP. In fact if we make anything in to a race she usually just lies on the floor and wails.

She always had to be first when she was little but seems to have grown out of that now. I think school helped with that because they line up in alphabet order and her surname is not near the front.

We keep the number of competetive moments to a mimimum at home but she is also much better at 9 than she was at 7.

I would love to use social stories with her but sadly she has told me on numerous occasions that she wont look at them and i cant make her..

Good luck.

Original poster

woopsidaisy · 05/02/2012 10:18

Hi Ladies. Thanks so much for all replies. It is comforting to know we're not alone.
Because my son is so high functioning it is easy to "forget" that he does struggle with some things. We were told that he may struggle over the next couple of years. He has given up football classes as he just found it all a bit too stressful. My DH is fabulous with helping him to deal with things, he seems to really struggle with intense "feelings" which I guess is normal. Just have to keep encouraging I guess!

OP posts:

auntevil · 05/02/2012 12:02

Marking my place here too. We have a hell of a problem with winning in this house. DS1 has to win - he is eldest and belittles his brothers. I think partly as he will never be able to compete with peer group at school so likes to feel superior at home. He is pulled up on it each time he gets nasty - and he cheats like you wouldn't believe. He also makes everything into a race. I wish it just stopped at socks!
DS2 has completely different issues. I've always had little doubts about his behaviour - but tbh, I think a lot is his personality - which is the worst parts of his father and nana. He has to win - but fairly. Everything is black and white - he hates cheating above all else. He is a rules man - and they have to be applied fairly. He is naturally sporty.
School have moved DS2 into a social skills builder group - so I know I'm not imagining that he feels losing badly.
Competitiveness has crept back into schools - and I only see it as getting worse as they pick up on the Olympic theme.

bochead · 05/02/2012 12:03

My lad's 1/2 brother has major issues with this. His Mum has just called in an aba consultant to help with it in the run up to GCSE's as coursework marks are a source of mega grief. He was on a full-time aba programme from 2-7 and this is the only real stressor she still has with him.

He's mainstream with no TA or any other assistance nowadays. However not "winning" caused incidents that would curl your hair over the years.

ABA for a specific issue like this seems like a good investment as it's an issue that'll haunt his whole life if not dealt with.

Ineedalife · 05/02/2012 12:25

Funnily enough Dd3 is a real rules person, she applies the rules vigorously in everything except board games. In those she will cheat and make up new variations of the rules to make sure she wins.

Sometimes I am not sure how much of it is ASD and how much is from being the youngest of 3 girls.

auntevil · 05/02/2012 12:37

I have always wondered how much is nature/nurture with the adherence to rules. DH works in a job where being a total pedant and rules obsessed is seen as a virtue . Strangely, school don't see the same virtue in a 6 year old.

OnlyFunctionsWithCaffeine · 05/02/2012 13:16

My son will be 5 this month and has high functioning autism and is going through the same competitive phase, he'll have meltdowns if we play board games and he doesn't win, if he doesn't get down the stairs faster than us, if he doesn't finish his dinner before us, etc. But will also have meltdowns over other children 'winning' too, even if they don't know they were playing a game, for instance in his Taikwondo class if another boy is running faster than him or doing their exercises faster he will have a meltdown even though the other child didn't even realise he was racing them and look at him confused with no idea why he is having a meltdown iyswim.

Basically I have no advice but will be watching this thread like a hawk for some strategies on handling this.

WarmAndFuzzy · 05/02/2012 21:36

I've got two Asperger's boys (aged 5 and 7) and they both have problems with this in slightly different ways.
We did ABA with them after school for a few months and with DS1 who seems to have more of a problem with it we were told to play lots of games (chess, snap, monopoly, anything) and reward the right response - for instance if he lost and said 'never mind, good game' he got extra computer time or pocket money or something else that he wanted. We also told him a lot of social stories about winning and losing, modeled the right behavior whenever we could, and did some anger management stuff (trying to get him to acknowledge how he was feeling and talking about what he might do to stop it).
DS2 tends to just give up if he fails at anything and rather than hitting out (as DS1 does, verbally), turns it inwards and wails in despair, so with him it was more about confidence building and praise (and more rewards for the right behavior). HTH :)

oliandjoesmum · 07/02/2012 10:43

Again,no advice, but comfort that you are not alone and this appears to be classic behaviour for an asperger child.My DS1 now 11, I have given up on competitive team games full stop. Real shame because he is a talented footballer and rugby player but the meltdowns and aggression are too much to cope with.It seems to be a combination of the need to be the best, perfectionism, and his interpretation that others are not keeping to the rules so it is unfair. Unfortunately what he sees as the fair rules are not always the actual rules of the game! He does do sports like tennis where he is in charge of his own ability to lose or win.He will occasionally run off or throw his racket, but on the whole it is a lot better than team sports. He also runs, cycles and swims because little boys with all this aggression and anger in them need to keep active. On the plus side he will now play board games and cards and cope with losing. His coping strategy is to kind of convince himself he doesn't care. Academic stuff, still super competitive and perfectionist. We are preparing for KS2 SATS at the moment. I am doing extra work with him, not because I need the affirmation of him being the best, but because it is so important to him, and I want him to be as prepared as he can be.
Anyway, high school beckoning so I have gone back to the doctors to see if any help is now available for him to try and learn new responses. I found CAHMS very parent based the first time round, I need someone to help him not me! At school he has level 5 statement and full time 1:1.
Not sure if any of that helps.......

suburbandream · 07/02/2012 11:50

DS2 has Aspergers and can't bear competition. Luckily for me ( I suppose!) he doesn't like team sports so tends not to get picked for the team at school or doesn't care about the result anyway.

Trouble is, he loves playing games like snakes and ladders or cards, but has so many tantrums when it doesn't go his way that his brother won't play anymore. I used to "accidentally on purpose" lose but realised that wasn't helping either. Then I suggested to him that he plays the game with his teddies, which is what I used to do as a child (much older sister who didn't want to play!), so for example, he can use the yellow counter, teddy has the red one, penguin has the blue etc. He doesn't seem to mind losing to stuffed animals and seems to enjoy seeing which one will win. He "gets" that a different one will win each time as it's all about chance.

Flip