Sometimes I feel embarrassed by DS's ways; the guilt is crushing me.

[FlyingFig]

I feel bad even posting this, but need to let it out and figured that this is a safe place to do it.

I notice more and more that when we're out and about, I seem to be correcting him all the time, for things like crawling about the floor in shops, standing in front of mirrors making odd noises/faces, wandering off in his own world whilst making raspberry sounds, that sort of thing. I know he can't help it, yet I feel like I'm snapping at him at times and then I feel bad, as he doesn't honestly know what he's doing is deemed inappropriate. I'm torn between leaving him be, as he's happy, yet feeling that all eyes are on us and wanting to protect him from ridicule.

The last few times I've picked him up early from school for various appointments, I've noticed how much he stands out from his peers in the classroom and that makes me feel sad.

Phew - got it all out. I should know how to handle this; I've got a brain injured brother that makes life 'interesting' when we take him out , but yet when it's my child, it feels more raw, if that makes sense?

Sorry for such a me-me post but I've been beating myself up and struggling to get to grips with how I feel

Argh I can't even get it right, I'm used to Ds's quirks, they're what makes him who he is, he's a lovely boy, I wouldn't change him, not ever - it's more other people's perception and reaction to him that upsets me, not DS himself.

Why on earth should you feel guilty? You love him and care for him and do your best for him - what's to feel guilty about? If his behaviour embarrassed you to the point that it altered how you felt about him and how much you loved him, then yes, that would be a big deal, but from your OP that's not the case at all.

You feel sad because he's "different" - of course you do. Life is so much harder when you don't fit in with the crowd - and every parent would rather their child's life is easy, given the choice. And you're probably sad about how your life is different because of his needs - there's a bit of "what it could have been like" in there. But again, that's so understandable. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Ff have you read the Out of Sync Child? It has hugely helped me understand why ds needs to walk backwards, bump into lamp posts, sing postman pat very loudly when the baby is crying etc.
You're right though, it is all anxiety about how others perceive them. Can you help him find socially acceptable alternatives for some of his most cringe-worthy quirks?

I don't know where the guilt comes from, maybe because he's got 2 older sisters who are NT and when we go shopping etc it feels like I'm always keeping an eye on DS, what he's doing, making sure he doesn't wander off etc. I'm just not used to it, I guess.

I do feel sad that he's "different", but at the same time I love him for who he is, which is confusing.

Thank you for your post, it's really helped me rationalise my thoughts

No I haven't read Out of Sync Child, will head to Amazon tonight and have a look. I think I need to read up a bit more!

I think I'd struggle to find alternatives for his quirks as he genuinely doesn't realise what he's doing, which is why I also feel bad for correcting him.

Sorry for all the "I thinks"!

It's exhausting isn't it? It's only once ds is at school and I'm hanging out with dd that I realize how stressed I am in his presence.

A brisk winter march seems to be the best tonic for us, I'm a bit more relaxed and he's a bit more in this world afterwards.

Yes, exhausting is the word! It's coming up to 'Bad Hair Day' again at school, DS refused to participate last year (he has a problem accepting the word 'bad' in that context and has an issue with 'enforced jollity' ). I had to ask his teacher to explain the day to him, that it was meant to be 'fun'. He was the only child in the whole school not to join in last year and he was teased for it. Not that he cared back then, but he's 6 now and I know he'll be upset if anyone starts on about it.

I think after having 2 girls that happily went to school wearing wigs, hair dye and ridiculous hairstyles, it feels strange having to preempt days that have always been 'the norm'!

Thanks LeninGrad - I am also not keen on enforced fun so can see where DS is coming from

I need to give less of a shit what Other People think, I will attempt it as a work in progress! DS doesn't seem to give a second thought to what others think, I need to adapt some of his mettle to myself

My DS is the same, it's real effort to get him to go out, he'd quite happily spend his spare time in at home, without seeing a soul.

I feel that I need to move away from deeming what I think is the best for DS in terms of public outings, and accepting that he really doesn't want or need the things I think he should? If that makes sense?

My DS2 always struggled on party day, mufti day and if it snowed, etc. It's all out of routine. I, also, have been guilty of trying to make him behave more normally due to my embarrassment. I was fine in primary school, they all 'knew' him. Secondary has been a bit tough. Restaurants and holidays have been a bit trying, but now I go with the flow. I'm proud of him, really. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. So what if he flaps and spins?

Oh yes, DS2 would prefer to spend every minute of the day at home on the PC. I let him do that for a reasonable length of time, who's to say what he 'should' be enjoying. But as he's the middle DS, he has to join in with family trips etc so the others get to do what they enjoy.

EllenJane DS is obsessed with the laptop, the PS3, the Ipad, anything that he can lose himself in; he's only 6 and I feel his desire to only engage with anything electrical a struggle, but yes, if he has to switch it off due to a family trip etc he has to accept it, even if there's a tantrum to follow.

He's the youngest child and in some ways I'm pleased about that, as there's times he has to be part of things he'd rather not, if you see what I mean!

Hi flying
Today I completely agree with you. Took dd1 (nt) to her normal sat morning group, and dd2 has just horrific; screaming, hiding in lockers (!), throwing other children's things onto the floor, and generally being a bit of a extreme temper tantruming madam.
I felt all eyes on me. And whilst I know that most of the other parents are aware of dd2s SN, without 6 a cup of coffee, it felt like I was being judged, not only for her poor behaviour which I know she can't always help but also for the way I was ignoring dealing with her behaviour.
Aaahhh.

I think we are our own biggest critics. Deep breaths and repeat the mantra my dc is perfect the way he/she is. I do my best for my dc.

I know what you mean. Taking dd shopping is easy. Taking ds means being constantly on the alert in case I lose him as he won't stand still at all. I always feel that by the time we leave a shop every other customer in there knows ds's name! I do get a bit embarrassed but have to remind myself that it wasn't so long ago that we couldn't get him into a shop at all.
Oodles the brisk winter march sounds lovely I would really enjoy that. Unfortunately any walk with ds means a snail's pace and constant chivvying to stop him giving up altogether and having a sit-in protest.

FlyingFig - I often feel exactly the same as you. I feel like I'm constantly nagging DS1 to conform to an acceptable social stereotype. But I know that some of my nagging is for a reason. DS1 is an arm swinger/flailer. He's tall for his age, and is often mistaken for a much older child. He has no spatial awareness, or awareness of what is going on around him. On the tube last weekend, he nearly took out a tourist when he just took it in his head to spin around with his arm out . Cue apology from me, and forced an apology out of DS who couldn't actually see what he had done wrong. I'm dreading the day he does it to someone that isn't so forgiving.
So I'm picking my battles. I'm only dealing with the most striking behaviour that might get him into trouble - and leaving the little quirks. One of these days (dreading it) he will have to be out on his own, and I want him to feel comfortable and not stared at - or attacked.

Flyingpig - I feel the same sometimes. Embarrassed about ds and his quirks. Occassionally I even feel shame just at having a child with significant sn.

These feelings are strange to me as firstly ds is lovely and v popular with our friends, secondly I know intellectually and morally neither I nor ds should feel ashamed in any way.

The stand out part of your post is that you have a brother with sn. My dsis has DS and in the seventies it was quite a novelty for other kids. I used to get embarrassed and then guilty. I learnt quickly to show a facade of being proud of my dsis even on the times I didn't feel it. She was and is the life and soul of the party type of person so never a chance of not attracting attention.

This is cod psychology but perhaps for both of us some situations trigger those childhood feelings and memories.

I feel the same sometimes as well. I'm learning to pick my battles.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I don't feel so alone knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way at times.

I've ordered some books from Amazon and am adapting the "Pick my battles" mantra as and when needed; it makes sense!