SHARING ....... I know, I know. But it is doing my head in!!

[Ineedalife]

Ok folks, so we all know my Dd3 cannot share.

She is lovely and highly intelligent but she totally cannot share.

Dd2 wanted to borrow her recipe book tonight to make cakes and she just flat refused to even enter into negotiations.

She just took the book upto her room and hid it!!

I am totally out of my depth with this because she just keeps saying. It is mine and i dont want to lend it to her.

How do i even begin?? Anyone any ideas?

For those who dont know, she is 9 with a dx of ASD.

Would she understand if she got something of dd2's to borrow while she had the book?

Either something as "security" to make sure she got it back or something she really would like to borrow.

Hmm, interesting idea DeWe. Thanks.

Can you call it turn taking? That works better with our kids as it sounds more finite.
Although I also think sometimes its okay for children (esp with an asc) to set boundaries.

Yes oodles, i agree and i think that is part of my problem.

You see i think that the book is hers, it was a present and if she chooses not to lend it to her sister then that should be ok.

But it causes soo many ructions in our house. DP thinks she should be made to share, as do Dd1 and 2 this leads to friction because they say she is spoilt and that I would have made them share.

But control is really important to Dd3 and she gets few opportunities most weeks to be in control what with school and everything.

Oh I dont know what is right anymore.

Is it that she doesn't understand how it feels if someone doesn't share. I wonder if everyone stopped sharing with her for a limited time, like a couple of days, then it would help her to understand.

Or maybe she could be encouraged to share and she gets to decided how long the person can have her property for, which would help her to feel in control and also set boundaries.

It is hard, hope you find a solution soon.

Omg three sisters, no wonder she needs to stand her ground! My mum is one of four sisters and she does NOT share. I think dewe's swaps idea is probably the way forward.

X posted with all the other good suggestions above.

Some great ideas, thankyou. I will try them all, not all at once obviously.

Zzz i like your idea of rewarding her if she does share, i parent her quite gently because she doesnt normally need a firm hand and the reward might encourage her. She would probably still choose not to share though and not have the reward.

Creator...a time limit on the "share" could help, anything is worth a try. Although us not sharing with her hasnt worked in the past as we have nothing that she seems to want.

Negotiations over sharing just seem to go wrong somehow.

Thanks again everyone, some great ideas.

As someone with ASD myself, I can understand why you want her to share but I wouldn't blackmail her into it as it is hers! Instead, when she does or even lets someone else pay interest go OTT with praise as it isnt as black and white as maybe it is with some kids. For example, when I was younger I had a computer game that only I could play, my younger sib wasn't even allowed to touch the disc case! I had certain settings to use it and if I was ever made to share it he would always muck them up which would make me feel very anxious and upset as winding down with it was part of my routine, and it made me physically feel sick if anyone interefered with it. Finally my parents understood this after years of trying and didn't push it anymore.

However, when my bro was old enough, on my terms I taught him how to play the older version of the game and when I was sure he wasn't going accidently delete or interfere with my character I let him have his own character and again, on my terms let him play with it, don't bother foisting upon them that their younger sib HAS to be allowed as that will often people like me go back to square one in an anxious state and not be able to process things or think clearly.

Could it be possible that they BOTH have a selection of maybe 5 toys/books that they know they don't have to share with eachother, but pile on the praise even if she lets someone come within a metre of the book/look over her shoulder? That way, your DD will feel secure and backed up, but equally others feel that its fair and she isn't being spoiled?

Note, I am not a parent :) Just thought I would give you an insight.

Note, I'm now in my 20s and allowed him to play it when I was around 13.

Imagine if it was your laptop and you HAD to let a 6 year old child use it with no safety measures, but 100s of important files that your job depends on, but the kid thinks deleting the files is fun because it gets a reaction out of you, well thats what it is like for us :) At the same time, your partner tells you are being UR and won't speak or pay attention to you for the evening unless you let him mess about and delete files, well thats what it feels like!

oh god. turn taking.

I'm having some sort of PTSD flashback trauma

I went through this with both of mine.

We did loads and loads and loads of work on turn taking. I bought a selection of toys that were perfect for turntaking. Like dropping a ball down a winding slide, sending little cars down a chute. Their home visiting teacher had a pig that you put tokens into and it grunted

they had 3 sessions a week with the home visiting teacher for about 3 years. Plus I did the same work with them.

It can be a long hard slog but it can be done.

That said, I don't think you can force sharing. You have to train them to know how to share and to know that it's ok to share, it's safe (and there's something in it for them ), iyswim. Just snatching stuff off them and saying you've GOT to just isn't going to work.

Plus - do they HAVE to share? If someone came to me and asked to borrow something and I didn't want to lend it - would I have to? Should I be made to? At what point do we respect the right of a person to just say no?

Is she able to tell you what it is about letting people use her things that frightens her? If you can find out what it is, then you will be in a better position to think of something that would help her to not have that fear.

Bribery? if you let us borrow your cookery book, you can help make cakes / decorate the cakes / have some cake ?

The flip side, of course, is to make them understand that other people don't have to share with them either. This was a big problem for mine. They didn't want to share, but they wanted other people to give them whatever they wanted. It took a long time to sort that out! - if I'm being honest, we're still not there yet. "You don't want to share X / remember when soandso wanted to borrow your X and you said no? well, you can't refuse to share but expect people to share with you" is a very complicated thing to get across to a child with limited receptive language skills!

I am waffling. sorry.

I'm on the fence on this as well. DS2 & DS3 each have their own toys that they are not required to share in their rooms. Then there are toys in the living room that are shared by all, some of which have come from their rooms at some point.

But they each have a few toys that they consider special enough that they don't feel comfortable sharing, and that's fine. I think it's important for them to feel that something is theirs and theirs alone... I think it feels safe and comfortable to them.

If your Dd2 wants to make cakes with a recipe from your Dd3's recipe book, and Dd3 doesn't want her to have the book, perhaps they can page through it together so Dd2 can select a recipe, then Dd3 can help her read it through and copy the recipe onto a piece of paper. Either that or just encourage Dd2 to look up a recipe on the internet.

we struggle with sharing here too.

Thanks for some more good ideas.

youcan'tpolishaturd [love the name by the way], that is great insight, thankyou. I think it does make her panic when somebody borrows her stuff.

We have a rule about keeping things in their rooms if they don't want to share it, Dd3 never shares her playmobil which is in her room.

I think she struggles to understand that she would be able to borrow something of Dd2's because she doesn't have toys or books or really anything that Dd3 would be interested in. They are polar opposites.

Cooking is about the only thing that they both like to do but they never cook together, that is too much for Dd3 and she always ends up melting down.

I think I will try letting her write the recipe out for Dd2 though, that might work if I sit between them while Dd2 chooses one.

God it is so hard isn't it. I feel sad becasue Dd2 just thinks she is being horrible, I know she isn't she just can't deal with it.