Someone please tell me this other mum is just stirring and suggest some responses

[Justabouthadenough]

Dd is 3, HI, S&L delayed, and ASD. She is lovely, if sometimes a bit frustrated. She has a 1:1 at nursery, and is working brilliantly with 1:1 and is making progress. She has some favourite friends at nursery, and plays nicely with them. Anyway that's the background.

About a month ago another mum approached DH and asked if DD was going to henrietta's (not real name) party, and all the other kids were invited. She then went on to say that henrietta's mum didn't invite dd because she thought it would be too much trouble.

DH tells me, and understandable I'm a little bit hurt, but on further consideration realise that dd doesn't actually play with henrietta.

This morning DH mentions that there's been another "party incident", on getting DH to clarify, it was the same other mum as before asking DH whether dd was going to garietta's (name change) party on Sunday, again saying that everyone else was invited.

Truth be told neither me nor DH knew there was a garietta at nursery.
I'm sure I am overreacting to feel so hurt, and I am pretty sure this mum is stirring because ;
No one in their right mind would invited 45+ under 4s.
I'm not convinced these girls are in dds circle of friends.
If this mum knew dd wasn't invited why did she say anything?

I know, I know, I need to grow a thicker skin.

But in the meantime, short of slapping this woman for being insensitive, what ideally cuttingly harsh comments can I add to my repertoire for the next time she tries stirring?

She's an arsehole and you have every right to feel upset. I think I would have to confront her on it

yes, she is stirring, if she was genuinely concerned about your DD being excluded she should have a quiet word with nursery staff not you, or even, shock horror, arrange a play date. I would go along the lines of faint disinterest - oh really, not everyone can be invited to every party, that's life.

I think i would just say "are being deliberately insensitive because I can't understand why you keep pointing out dd is the only one not invite to a party?"

God this brings back memories with dd1. Nxt time if u think she's stirring or has made up a child's name just say 'no sorry we declined that invite as dd already has a playdate to go to. You seem to be asking a lot about invites recently doesn't ur dd get them??'

Cats, Definately an arsehole. can I just call her an arsehole?

TLP- don't think she is genuinely concerned. Will try disinterest.

What do you reckon to "I'm actually rather relieved because the thought of having to make small talk with ignorant insensitive parents like yourself is my idea of hell."

Chundle - did wonder if her dd had an invite

Yeah go on call her an arsehole!!!

horrible woman!
I think from now on, every time you see approaching you, just turn the other way and walk.

Tell said mum that you can't go to the next party that she mentions because DD has a DLA review that day that if successful will mean you'll get £1k a week for her care!

That is really horrible!

You might be meeting this parent an awful lot over the next 6 years, so I don't think you can ignore it.

(If however you don't think you'll be going to the same school, then I would ignore it)

But I'm not sure what I would do.

Someone on here (can't remember who) has the balls to say something like:

My child has Autism.

What do you suffer from? Why are you so rude and insensitive?

Oh, so hard. I dread this with DS2, ASD now in mainstream reception. I hate other parents judging him and don't think I will cope well when it's my turn in the playground and DS is not invited.
Avoid this woman, and next time I would be tempted to say something like, 'do you mean to be so deliberately hurtful when telling me another parent hasn't invited DD as it would be too much?'. My child has a disability, what do you expect me to do? Keep your nose out..', but them i'm not one for keeping in with the 'playground mafia of mums!'.

she may be jealous that your child gets 1:1 and this is her way of having a dig. I'd be tempted to go for the standard mn response of, did you mean to sound so rude/insensitive?

As suggested already why not: At least dd is getting support for her social difficulties, - shame there isn't similar for adults!

How awful! I will be tempted to approach her in few weeks and say all kids are invited to a sleepover party round mine, is your child invited?

I would love to look at her face.

The comment will hurt regardless whether your child is sn or not. Se didn't have to add that everyone else was coming...

I have had someone stirring before about my own DS's party. Class of say 30, invited say 12-15 (rough guesses). One of the mums 'accidently mentioned it' to another mum who was upset and shocked her son hadn't been invited. All of this relayed to me by the shit stirrer. I felt awful for the other mum as her DS has special needs as does my son, however he was not one of the children ds wanted to invite and numbers/space was limited. I was fuming at the other mum and mortified as I know the feeling of thinking my DS has missed another invite and was upset mum would be feeling the same way.

I think your DH should either feign disinterest or call her on it. I know which option I would choose.

Ask her straight out if she'd like help sourcing a social skills group for adults, then ignore forever more.

Bored& rest'. I'd offer a playdate to the other sen kid, together with an apology to the Mum of the other sen kid. He might well prefer a small playdate to a party anyways. Then you and the other sen Mum can have a cuppa & moan together about the spiteful shit stirrer ; )

Oh ninja, I'd forgotten all about that one.
Lol starlight 1k a week!

Oh ninja, I'd forgotten all about that one.
Lol starlight 1k a week!

Next time she asks if dd has been invited to a party, how about (with a smile), "No thank goodness. Oh that sounds awful doesn't it but tbh all these parties get to be a bit of a pain after a while. It will be nice to have a break"

That way she might wonder how many parties she's been missing.

God she sounds vile. WHy relish in the fact your DD hasn't been invited. Equally and for you both.

We do the coffee morning idea, (i was sure ds would be 'the naughty kid', and I would be just be fat and old... there you go all my insecurities... .) But me and a mate started inviting people back for coffee, made it really welcome and open to all, even did a Christmas bring and share lunch (for any reception (my ds) or nursery (her dd) parents.) we have a lovely group, and it feels really safe to be in the play ground for pick up now...

Just an idea, re stinky mum... I always find passive agressive (with a smile) allows me to maintain the moral high ground, while puncturing their sails (mixed metaphor).

Somthing like ' oh was X (their dc) hoping to play with dd there? ' with an innocent smile, if they say 'no' you can be confused, and say 'oh, sorry, I wasn't sure why you wanted to know if dd was going????'

leaves them to flounder, doesn't answer the question about whether dd was invited, and is very satisfying to do...

Or perhaps your DH could say something when she comes into view like "If you are going to tell me about another party DD isn't invited to, I'm not interested" and walk away.

bochead - this was a couple of years ago now but I'm still annoyed about it! Luckily other mum knows me (we used to work together pre dcs) and knows I'm not a nasty git, it's water under the bridge. But I am still cross at the shit stirrer.

I think you've got it Bored&Restless; I'm fuming with this shit stirrer.

On questioning DH, it turns out that this shir stirrer is mum of a dc that my dd does not get on with, so may be an alterior motive behind her stirring.

But do think I should try and arrange a couple of play dates over half term with some DCs that dd plays with at nursery.