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Help on self harm :(

13 replies

lisad123 · 31/01/2012 18:57

Dd1 is 9 and has autism, she has huge anxiety issues which we are waiting in camhs for. He had a horrible day at school due to a supply teacher!
On way home I noticed she was scratching her skin in same place, so bad it was red and she had clearly taken layers off.
She was clearly upset and we have had a terrible evening once home.
I'm so worried about her mental health an now the self harm. Am I best to talk to her about it (which is what we try to do ATM) or am I better to not pay it any attention?

OP posts:
shazian · 31/01/2012 19:02

Hi lisad123, so sorry for your dd. It is heartbreaking to watch your child self harm. I am having a lot of probs with ds at mo he is almost 11. He constant nips himself so his legs are covered in bruises, he also rubs his head so hard he is bald, head all red and weeping. I was on waiting list for camhs too, meant to be 3 months however as ds was getting more distressed, i called camhs explained situation and also knew was on list however there was noone else to help. They called me back next day and have been helping me since. Hope you get the help you need soon x

blueemerald · 31/01/2012 20:17

I work in a special needs school and some of the students exhibit similar behaviours (I have a thread ATM about an extreme example!). With our higher ability students we try to ensure the anxiety doesn't get that high in the first place.
Could your daughter have a yellow/red card system put in place when she needs to leave the lesson? Is there a place (SENCO's office?) she could go?
Could//Would she take part in some yoga like activity once home?
Would she respond to an alternative? Mashing play-doh for instance or a stress ball?
What about a massage with something a bit scratchy (exfoliating mitt?)
We have one very determined "picker" (scrapes/scratches himself deliberately and then picks and picks at the scabs) and he had now stopped since we have him an elastic band around his wrist to "ping"

lisad123 · 31/01/2012 20:28

She has card system at school as well as a sensory bag with feeling stuff, stress balls, feely blanket and also a specialist autism teacher who works with her weekly.
Once home we made playdough which she spent time playing with and was calm enough for a warm bath.
We have sensory room at home as well as a bibic programme which includes massage. She is now alseep in my bed, as refused her room tonight.

OP posts:
coff33pot · 31/01/2012 20:31

I am so sorry to read this :(

Eldest dd used to self harm when she hit senior school till in her teens and it breaks your heart to see it and you feel totally helpless as to what to do to take this away.

Hers was digging and scratching to finding a mirror broken in her room. Once she actually took apart a bic razor and I still have that nightmare picture in my head of what I saw. The difficulty was before she was self harming due to anxiety at school, low self esteem etc but then she hit hormones and teenage years and so it got worse when the teenager feelings of "you dont care" or "life stinks" etc homed in on top of her allready anxious feelings.

Only thing I can say is dont react in an emotional way. Talk to her definately! but remain calm and matter of fact. I used to plead with her not to do this to herself, ask her why etc but to see me distressed was infact a huge error on my part as it just adds to the guilt they already feel over doing it iyswim. They cant help it as its such an automatic reaction just like someone biting their nails (trivial example but equally becomes a habbit) They use it to block out whatever it is that is upsetting them.

The bathroom incident as I will call it but the lid on it. I broke dialled for emergency and by the time they came I was in a mess. After that I kind of went numb. She did that once more and this time I just went in, took her downstairs and got the first aid kit and patched her up. Calmly said "there all better now, DD we need to find something to help you stop feeling so sad" Mad her a drink and took her to bed and went to bed myself. (I stayed awake all night!)

Its sounds harsh but me having that "oh well sigh" but also the diplomatic caring mum (with hugs) sort of attitude actually did help as she didnt have to dread waking up in the morning to see my face or feel guilty which used to heighten the anxiety more. And I can honestly say she never did that again, but it took a while for it (the milder harming) to stop completely. Another thing I did was I got her to write it all out when she was angry or upset and rip it up as savage as poss and throw it in the bin. I bought stress balls and exercise stretch bands that she could pull and twist at home as a way to release tension another way instead of upon herself.

We used camhs and they were good with her in building up her confidence and self esteem, helping her with past family issues and sorting out the school which was the main hardship for her because they didnt understand the emotional pressure she was under at the time.

coff33pot · 31/01/2012 20:34

that is so long! sorry! I guess its one of those touch nerve moments Blush

lisad123 · 31/01/2012 22:47

Coff33, thank you for your post. I have to say I stayed fairly calm, held her hands in her lap for a while, explained we all have bad days and then got in the car and drive home. I'm glad to know I might have done the right thing.
We have camhs appointment soon but I'm so scarced they will say its my fault, I have done something to make her this way Sad I wonder if I yell too much, don't give enough warnings, have ever put too much pressure in her, or maybe it's linked with pregnancy and birth Sad

OP posts:
AgnesDiPesto · 31/01/2012 23:00

Some ideas. Distraction, keeping hands busy with something else, lots of praise for not doing it (well done, you are staying really calm and are keeping your hands nice and still - maybe give rewards for not doing it), time outs at school before gets anxious eg to run around the hall / sit in quiet corner but before self harm starts not as reaction to it. Talk to school about importance of priming her for changes. Talk to autism teacher about teaching flexibility eg use a calendar to set out what do each day but then practise changing something on the calendar (start with something not bothered about eg we were going to do science but now decided to do maths instead, or replace something boring with something really likes to introduce the idea of change and surprise), then build up to changes which do cause anxiety eg we were going to have Mrs X today but she is sick so now its going to be Mrs Y. We have some issues with DS rigidities and were advised it was better to work on flexibility across the board than to just target one thing.

upahill · 31/01/2012 23:08

Lisad123
I was on a course last week about self harm and I raised the issue of children with special needs self harming. I haven't got a child with SN but work in this field.

The pointed me to The Bristol Crisis centre and there is a book and dvd that you can get from them as well as other information.

I have tried to do the link on my laptop but will repost the info tomorrow morning. I don't know if it will be use to you but it maybe worth a look.

upahill · 01/02/2012 08:43

This: www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/hidden-pain-self-injury-and-people-learning-disabilities is what I was trying to post last night.

PipinJo · 01/02/2012 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justabouthadenough · 01/02/2012 18:12

Hi, I can't help on the self-harm side, but possibly the supply/cover teacher side if its a ms school. I work as supply in a large ms school, and for each lesson I do i am given a "cover note" which has the register on, and what is to be taught that lesson. this "cover note" can also be used to notify the supply/cover teacher of anything they need to be aware of; this can be from 2 pupils not to sit next to each other to any students who have additional needs. Without this sometimes the cover/supply has no idea (bar physical needs) if students has additional needs. Perhaps (if you feel comfortable with this) you could ask your dds school if they could make their supply teachers aware of dds needs, so the supply teacher can try and keep things as normal as possible for dd.

lisad123 · 01/02/2012 18:23

thanks, we have that already. We call it a pen profile and supply teacher shoud read it, but the last two this week, have said they havent got it Angry
We have had an OT assessment but may pay for private one to go into school at this rate :(
Autism teacher is comiing to see dd2 next week so will ask for about dd1 too.
Will start looking into chnaging calandar too.
Will look at link later, once kids are in bed. Thanks for the help and advice

OP posts:
coff33pot · 01/02/2012 19:48

We have camhs appointment soon but I'm so scarced they will say its my fault, I have done something to make her this way. I wonder if I yell too much, don't give enough warnings, have ever put too much pressure in her, or maybe it's linked with pregnancy and birth

Sorry been out or would have replied earlier and again sorry for the book!

You handled it just great :) But as for the above quote from your post please dont run yourself ragged thinking its your fault. ITS NOT.

I did the same thing thinking why did I not see this coming, why cant I take it away, what will everyone else think, what am I doing or have done wrong for this to be happening. All this goes through your head because you are a great mum and a great mum blames herself before anything else xxx

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