Preteens with Asperger's

[Solo2]

Wasn't sure whether to post this on the Preteen list, the Multiple Birth list or this one but thought this might be most helpful.

DT2, aged 10 - and with Asperger's traits (but easier these days to think about him as having Asps.) has become increasingly difficult over the last few months. He has explosions of temper, which yesterday resulted in him kneeing in a pane of glass in an inner door - provoked by NT DT1 who'd shut him in the porch. He'd screamed for me to come but I'd not been able to that second, so he'd smashed the glass. This is however the worst thing he's EVER done but I'm worried that hormones/ development and the current family stresses is going to make incidents like this more frequent.

A few months ago, he emptied a full bottle of shower gel on his bedroom floor because - he confessed later - he was feeling angry and stressed.

DT2 attends a normal school and is academically v bright - in Eng. and humanities anyway. He seems to behave appropriately at school and is loved by his teachers but can 'draw' bullies to himself and remains 'safe' with a small group pf v similar peers. He's v v well behaved at school and all situations outside the home.

I guess I'm asking other parents with DCs with Asperger's if they noticed that things got increasingly difficult from around age 10/11 and then onwards into teen years? He's v obsessive, anxious, controlling, rude, disrespectful (his language can be appalling!)- as well as adorable, loving, conscientious, focused and kind.

I'm not sure how much of this is about his Asperger's, how much about the dynamic with his NT twin (who has lifelong made allowances for DT2 but is often frustrated, understandably), how much is the kick-in of testosterone (shows some signs of puberty now) or even how much he might be reacting to my own stress (single mum running f/t business alone)?

It'd be v helpful to hear from others with DCs with Asperger's who're around this age or older.

Dd2 (10)isn't diagnosed but has v definate traits. Again high achieving at school & ok in that environment but is having more & more problems at home.

There is a regression in lots of children with ASD in puberty (and NT)

My ds,11 almost 12,was only dx a year ago and the biggest problem at the moment is his outbursts of anger at the slightest thing-takes everything too literally and is extremely over-sensitive to innocent remarks,slight criticsm etc.

DS had always shown Aspie traits but was only diagnosed at 12. He became very difficult, and at times violent. He was excluded from school more times than I can remember.It seems to have been a combination of starting secondary school, which was really difficult for him, and puberty. For two years he was on Risperidone to reduce his aggression.
He is 17 now and has been med free for a year. He is still Aspie, but much better able to cope, and far easier to manage.

We are in process of getting diagnosis for Ds as he has been extremely anxious since starting secondary school. He felt safe at primary as it was small school so his main problems were getting on with peers, following instructions, literal thinking, germs and eating. Now things have got so much worse and he really struggling with big busy school. After assessment we were told it is AS and said we need to explain this to Ds so he understands why he is finding things difficult. Not sure how to approach this and what to tell him as he says he is embarrassed by himself! School have not been very helpful but I'm not sure what kind of help to expect?

DS2 is 12 in year 7 and HF ASD rather than Aspie, but he really struggled with his last year in primary school. He wouldn't do homework, had lots of outbursts at school and at home. I would be looking at making sure you get some support in place now for the transition to secondary. See the SENCo at both the primary and the potential secondary. It can really be make or break for children with ASD. The routine is completely changed, there are children who don't 'know' your DS and everything is less homely.

My DS has really thrived at secondary, due to a carefully managed transition plan with lots of extra visits and lots of initial support to settle and an excellent lunchtime 'club' to keep him occupied and safe. He actually prefers the structured timetable and the variety of lessons but I know think he's not at all typical. He isn't anxious about things, it makes life much easier.

Dd struggles with her twin (diagnosed HFA) I think to some extent tackling her reaction to him has helped reduce a lot of flareups. She needs lots of attention, to compensate for the fact that he (the Aspie) is getting so much.

On the other hand I think aggression is one of the classic traits of puberty whether you have ASD or not. You probably need to work on calming everyone down, not just your Aspie child. Ds1 in our family (11) flies off the handle quite easily if he's teased or cornered, yet he is not ASD at all. We have to think quite carefully how to handle him, he is a typical "teen".

I think best thing is give everyone a chance to let of steam in some neutral way, and talk their worries fears through; not to extent of going over and over things that have already happened, just to let them know there are other ways to express negative feelings, and you will listen.

There is a lot of teasing going on in our house, which ASD child gets the brunt of, but I think it is a symptom of everyone else not quite knowing what to fill the vacuum with. So you have to work out ways that the two brothers CAN get on, and assume that brothers DO fight (that is completely normal whether one child is ASD or not) and a certain amount of aggression is normal. I suppose you have to change it into somethng they can work with rather than something you are constantly battling. My nephews fight constantly, bitterly, but they have become very close too aged 13 and 15.

Thanks everyone. As children with Asperger's reach full adolescence, do they find things much much harder than their NT peers - eg in terms of managing hormone induced mood swings and of course social relationships etc? NT DT1 is also moody and can have major explosive outbursts and verbal aggression too but I think he's going to find the social side of things easier - eg developing feelings for girls (if he's straight), dating etc.

I am really worried that the things DT2 already struggles with - eg when he can't be fully in control of social encounters with peers, when there are subtle non-verbal 'rules' he can't read with his peers, his need to 'lecture' to others about his own interests - all these are going to be potentially frustrating for a potential partner/girlfriend.

His family - DT1 and I - have made so many allowances for him and in his wider family and the 'safe' group of friends he has, people still find him very endearing and amazing (he has a phenomenal memory and reads books on Politics and History and Eng Lit classics. writes books for fun etc - which does have appeal to some peers and most adults). But he's never going to be 'cool' and he's never going to know how to tune in to what a girl might be feeling and alter his behaviour accordingly.

He's got a great sense of humour but often steps the boundary into what's inappropriate, without realising this. Can anyone with a child with HF Asperger's tell me more about your experience as your child became a teenager and beyond?

DT2 already has very fixed ideas about exactly what he's going to do in life and finds it so hard to contemplate that thing might not work out exactly as he's planned - eg this year, he plans to get one of his books published...he plans to do a certain set of A levels and go to a certain Uni and study a particular subject and get a specific type of job. He MAY achieve all those things (except the book published this year!!!) but there again, whilst they're good things to aim for, he can't accept that things might not pan out exactly how he wants.

How to you manage this with a child with Asperger's? I worry so much that he'll become more and more disillusioned as he gets older and starts to have to live in the 'real' world.

Solo please stop worrying about what he's like when he's 15! He's 10 now! The more you love and value him now, the less chance of him going off the rails later...Who cares if he's cool..? There are plenty of uncool girls around to bump into later...Being a teenager is tough for lots of people. I think one of the advantages of being slightly on the spectrum is that you are less easily swayed by what other people think, which is always the danger with teens..

My DS changed so much between 13 and 15 that it's hard to believe exactly how worried I was about him before that...he has no interest in girls and I don't know if that will ever be 'normal' but he as he has no interest it doesn't make him unhappy, so I'm not stressing about that, lol

He's not as flexible as a typical 15 yr old (actually he's nearly 16) but he knows how uni admissions and careers work much more now, and accepts that plans may have to change because of circumstances and that there are criteria for Highers (We're in Scotland) that mean that he can't just pick a subject because he wants to.

He has a small group of friends, but they're a nice wee bunch - no he's not cool, but he doesn't really rate it, lol, so again he's happy so I'm not fussed.

The first couple of years at secondary were hard going for him, but now, he's happy, he's doing well, he's found his wee niche. He's so different from the miserable 10 yr old he was at primary and he grew up so much after 13 - like any other child does I suppose, lol.