How would you handle this situation?

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Ds is 7 and in ms school with a full time TA. She is brilliant with him but he has a relief TA at lunchtime who is very young and has no children. For a while I have felt that a few things she has said have shown a lack of understanding of ASD (almost sure school have given her no training) but have let it pass.
But today ds is distressed after school. In the dinner hall she called him a 'rude little boy' in front of the other children. Also he didn't want the drink I put in his lunchbox and she said 'tough' and made him drink it.
I know he can be an awkward bugger, but feel these reactions from her mean she has either had enough or she needs a but of training in understanding asds.
I think I should have a chat with head on Monday and very calmly point out the above two options. Ds doesn't make up these things, as I'm sure all of those with children with ASD know. He has retold what happened a lot and each time the story is exactly the same.
What would you do?

I would be speaking to the head, that sort of behaviour is not on. She is employed to support your son due to his disability, not insult him.

Yes I suppose I should chat to her but I don't see her as she is there at lunch. But to me it says she is not understanding the issues involved with ASD and the fact she said it in front of the other children in the dinner hall. It's left me feeling very uneasy about what else she has said to ds but he hasn't been able to report back.
It is very likely that she needs some ASD awareness training, don't want to get her into trouble.

Also ds doesn't understand how he as rude as when she insisted he have his drink he said 'I'm not happy with you' To him this is a neutral statement but she has interpreted it as rudeness. So ds is just confused by the whole thing. He thought he gave the appropriate response

Yes I think I will have to. Ds saying he doesn't want to go to school on Monday. He's never said that before Think a lot of children with ASD find it very upsetting to be told they are rude as it means they have done something wrong but they can't figure out what.

Yes you definately need to speak to the head about this. I would be annoyed that she pushed the issue of him having a drink he didn't want and created a an unnecessary situation. Tell the head to make it clear that it is your ds's right to eat or leave whatever he chooses.

Would there be any benefit in speaking to us main TA about it? Just thinking they must have a handover period at the beginning of lunch and also, if she is brilliant, she would be able to advise the relief TA on the best language to use if he appears to be rude. That might be the quickest way to make the situation better in the short term.

That said, I would be pushing for her to have some ASD awareness training anyway, as without the necessary understanding she will be unable to make appropriate judgements regarding the right way to handle any situations that may arise. Our ASD Inclusion team run free courses for school staff, so it might be worth asking if they do something similar in your area.

My ds hates being told he's rude, it really upsets him, but he can handle - 'I know you didn't mean to be rude, but some people may think that's a rude thing to say - how about saying X instead?'.

As Catsdontcare said, I would also send in a note making it clear what the rules are for eating/leaving food from his lunch box.

I would also make sure you are keeping a diary of everything he tells you and if nothing changes, yes, I would approach the Head and ask either for her to be trained for a for a suitably qualified TA to replace her.

I dont see what he said as being rude. But then my DS says "leave me alone right now" that is his phrase that he uses when he doesnt understand what is being asked and he is trying to think it out. If they ask too many times to quickly he comes out with that.

But I had to tell the school this so they could understand that it just wasnt a case of him being rude and just not wanting to listen or participate.

He also says "I am sad with you" That is his indicator that he doesnt like what he is being told or is unhappy that he has to do something he hates.

Dinner rules are different in some schools too. In ours with packed lunches, they cant throw away their rubbish so the parents are able to see what they have and havent eaten. They cant eat their pudding or cake if they dont eat their main bit so I learnt not to overload DD when she went there lol as I always gave her a multi choice and the poor thing never ever got a look in on her cake! DS likes school dinners so I have no problems on the food front with him.

However I really dont see it as necessary to make a big deal on wether a child wants a drink or not unless he doesnt have a water bottle all day?

Thank you all for your comments. I think I do feel I have to speak to the head, not least because it sounds like she is getting frustrated with ds and could maybe do with a break from him ( there are several lunchtime ta so maybe a swap around would work). I could talk to his main ta but feel I shouldn't put this back on her, and really the underlying issue is that the lunchtime ta needs to be more aware of asd issues. Ultimately we can't have ds feeling judged by the people he regards as looking after him.
Will not be confrontational though, will let you all know how it goes