First appointment with SALT for DS (age 4 mid May)

[AllTheGoodNamesAreUsed]

has left me questioning my parenting skills.

DS started nursery in September and by the end of week one the staff were saying he shows autistic traits and had we had him assessed. No we hadn't. DS does not speak but as far as we were aware once he was communicating he would be fine so all he needed was SALT. I am sorry to confess I just took this suggestion with a pinch of salt. DS has already been suggested to have congenital hip defect, which scans showed he didn't (though it is possible the doubled cloth nappies I put him in whilst awaiting a scan may have sorted out any problems). He has (not) had severely delayed gross motor skills as suggested by the HV - he walked at 14.5 months. He is also profoundly deaf and a self taught lipreader as suggested by another HV. He is teflon boy as far as diagnoses are concerned. Another reason for not googling autism is that I am stupidly suggestable and googling anything medical can never lead to any good.

Nursery had an educational psychologist in to watch DS and she recommended SALT, SPEACS e(therapy for children with severe communications problems), SIPS (social inclusion in playschool), portage and a paediatrican. He had his first joint SPEAC and SALT session this week. What an eye opener!

Does DS do pretend or imaginative play? No. Never.

Does DS like routine? Oh boy yes, even down to having to sit in the same bus seat and say the same words every night at bedtime.

Did DS lose speech? No, he never had any to begin with.

Does DS gesture? Yes says I. Not really says Mrs Speacs, he will wave his hand towards something he wants but he does not check to see if you are looking where he is looking as DS never makes eye contact. I was shocked by this but I've been watching DS this week and they are right. I feel very inadequate that they spotted something in twenty minutes I had not noticed in almost 4 years! In my defence I was right as well, DS when excited will bounce up and down (think child desperate for loo) and flap his arms ( but only from the elbows not from the shoulders).

What does DS play with? Anything electronic, he also arranges his sisters Barbies, loves wearing her fairy costume, running the taps in the bathroom and opening and closing the fridge.

Does DS have any rituals? Not sure about this so just mentioned when we used to go to playpark he didn't use the apparatus. The park has bricks (they are set into the ground) seperating the concrete from the impact absorbing surface. DS walks the bricks.

Anything we have noticed about DS? He is accurate. He listens to DDs ipod and was on youtube a few days ago (ipod was in another room) when he searched for "biyonnce hulio" (think he was looking for beyonce Halo). If he is typing he will copy exactly. (In comparison his big sister had to copy the words literacy and numeracy from her homework sheet into her homework jotter every week and never once got it right!)

What do we feel about autism? Its been suggested but we prefer not to speculate. Though, as I told the women, I am now wondering if I have been wilfully blind to DSs needs.

Would we prefer him not to be diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum? Of course not. Not diagnosing will not make him not have autism (if he is on the spectrum), it will not get him support, nor will a lack of diagnosis get him understanding.

DS starts Reception in September and Mrs SPEACS does not think he will cope with the other children and the transitions. (DS ignores other children). They are fast tracking his SALT and his diagnosis with the paediatrican.

My homework is to encourage, without teaching as that leads to uncomfortable staring, eye contact. To find out which words DS understands and to make DS make choices. Is there more I ought to do now my head has been yanked out of the sand!

Lastly, we are flying to Scotland for DBs wedding next month. Have to go as DD is flowergirl but not sure how to manage trip with DS in mind. He gets very stressed in strange places and on flights ( when he stresses he rolls on the floor). We fly up Thursday, stay with DGs Thursday, wedding and staying night in wedding hotel on Friday, back to DGs Saturday night, flying back to London Sunday, back to nursery Monday. Arrgh!

Thank you anyone who managed to read my waffling.

Blimey, there's a lot in your post.

One thing at a time.

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with your parenting skills. Probably quite the opposite. One of the things that drives most of us parents insane with 'is he/isn't he' question is that by the time other people are suggesting things we have been such a very good parent that we know exactly how to get the best out of our children and help them to slot into society as far as we are able to. It can be quite a shock to discover how much we have been compensating and assisting them that is over and above what 'normal' parents do, but it makes you a good parent, not a bad one.

You need to get a referral to a developmental paediatrician for a definitive answer and given that you seem to have so many professionals on board it would help enourmously with speed if you could get them to write letters of support.

I haven't a clue whether your ds has autism, but he does appear to be struggling for some reason or other and it would be sensible to find out why as soon as you can so you can start to research support and help for him.

hth

Goodnames, I agree with Star, you have not been a bad parent not to have spotted this, how would you know? Reading the list of things the SPEACS lady observed, though, they are all red flags. She can't DX ASD, only an expert developmental paed or a group of experts will do that, and we can't DX over the internet.

I do have to say that the flapping when excited from the elbows describes both my ASD DS2 and my 'quirky' DS3 to a T. The lack of imaginative play, opening and closing doors, preference for electronic or instant feedback toys, are also very familiar to me. My DS2 didn't play on the swings or slides, he'd walk around and around the fence, getting stung by nettles rather than play. DS2 had great eye contact up until 12 months or so, it was hard to say when it deteriorated.

The only reason DS2 was DX at 3.6 was because I was concerned that he didn't speak and the SALT was instantly concerned and referred me on to the paed very quickly. I was asked by the SALT in a group session with other DC how concerned was I about his development on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being unconcerned, I said 3. She gently took me to one side and said she thought I should be more concerned than that! So you really aren't alone in not spotting this yourself. SALTs are often the first professionals to see children who may be on the spectrum and can be very good at picking up signs that to a parent, are just their child's character.

Thank you so much Starlight and Ellen for taking the time to read and respond to my, overly long, post. I very much appreciate it.

I am beginning to think this whole process will be as big a lesson in patience and not expecting instant results for me as it will be a search for a possible DX for DS.

Emma, nursery also asked me how concerned I was about DS. I was not the least concerned _ oops. I know a DX takes time and cannot be done on basis of anecdotes I guess I needed to be told to get a grip. Have grip in hand now!

I am off to hunt down DD and DS, just saw them sneak past with the nutella jar and spoons. Well DD was sneaking and trying to shush him. He was bouncimg along behind squealing and clapping to himself!

Goodnames, he sounds lovely! Cheeky and delightful.

One thing to remember, as you posted, a possible DX or label isn't going to change him. He'll still be the same lovely boy. As for patience... it took me 6 months to see the first SALT, 3 months until the SALT course with the other families, 4 more months to see the Paed and she took 6 months to DX. And that was fairly quick, I was told. It seems a long time in the life of a young child, but it's a marathon not a sprint.

My main recommendation is the Hanen SALT book, More than Words Cheap source here which although expensive at £34 was a revelation to me and empowered me to do something to help while I was waiting for a DX.

Thank you so much Starlight and Ellen for taking the time to read and respond to my, overly long, post. I very much appreciate it.

I am beginning to think this whole process will be as big a lesson in patience and not expecting instant results for me as it will be a search for a possible DX for DS.

Emma, nursery also asked me how concerned I was about DS. I was not the least concerned _ oops. I know a DX takes time and cannot be done on basis of anecdotes I guess I needed to be told to get a grip. Have grip in hand now!

I am off to hunt down DD and DS, just saw them sneak past with the nutella jar and spoons. Well DD was sneaking and trying to shush him. He was bouncimg along behind squealing and clapping to himself!

No idea how I managed to post same message twice! I am not too techno savvy. Until I read a comment on another thread I had no idea the inbox was for PMs. I thought oh thats handy I can check google without logging out of MN.

Will definitely get that book thank you. I am better at doing than waiting! Thanks