Please allow me to have a rant, I am at the end of my tether with DS and just wish...

[overmydeadbody]

...just wish, right now, that he was either 'normal' or properly autistic. Then, maybe, instead of everyone just not liking him, he would be likable again.

Right now, not many people like him. I know the staff at his school don't. I'm sure apart from his three friends his classmates don't. He's just naughty. Distracting, Disruptive, and old enough to know better...

It is my parenting isn't it? I have failed. Despite trying my hardest. I have actually failed.

That is apalling of the staff and

You haven't failed. Society just isn't ready for your lad. He has three friends, that's more than I've got

If you were such a shit mum, you wouldn't give a flying monkeys about his welfare

You havent failed at all! xx

There are REASONS for his behaviour. It is up to the school to observe and detect those reasons that trigger it.

Old enough to know better? My DS is 6 and someone said that to me once when he was cowering in a corner. Age doesnt really come into it when you are scared or anxious or just plain not coping x

I'm sorry, it sounds like a miserable time for you and your boy. I take it school are unsupportive, that's no way to treat a 6 year old. I strongly agree with coffeepot - someone needs to look at the reasons for the behavioural issues.

(((((hugs))))) is he getting any help/support at school?

It isn't your parenting. If it was, you wouldn't care. The school have an obligation to help and support him, not just 'dislike' him x

The school is not allowed to discriminate against your DS. Regardless of their opinions (how did you come to this conclusion that they do not like him?), they have a duty of care to investigate why your DS could be distracting and disrupting.
When you say that you wish he was 'properly autistic' has there been some kind of previous investigation that was not conclusive? Sometimes it takes until a child is approx 7/8 until a fuller dx can be given as this is a point when a level of maturity should have been reached that can really differentiate between those that have/have not social/emotional skills that are within expected levels.

Thanks for all your kind messages. Last night I posted and then called my mum and had a good old cry and went to bed exhausted. Now my eyes are all puffy and I have to go to work but I will come back tonight and properly read all the replies.

Feeling a bit better. Just need to remember that he just needs my unconditional love. Lots and lots of it.

I feel ready to start agian after yesterday's rant. I am sorry my post contained so little information, I really just needed to get my feelings off my chest.

We are still going through the slow process of getting him statemented, despite all the professionals agreeing that he is on the spectrum . I know it won't make any difference really, but I think even just for me, and for his school having a formal statement and DX will help.

He is a lovely boy, he really is. And I don't really think the staff don't like him, I was just being over-sensitive. They must find him hard work sometimes.

The school are very supportive. I had a good old chat to the SENCO today. She is very good. His TAs are also very good, worth their weight in gold, and what he did yesterday wasn't even that bad, really.

I think I have been expecting too much from him. Expecting him to not put a foot wrong when in fact it's not deliberate, the school structure just isn't designed for AS children is it?

My goals, now (that I have always tried to have but that somehow somitimes get forgotten in the heat of the moment) are:

1. To go home from school and start fresh, regardless of what happened at school, what happens at school stays there, and the minute we walk out of the school gate we are just mother and son spending time together. I work at the school. It sucks. I need to change that. For both of our sakes.

1. TO show him that his step dad and I love him unconditionally. Whatever happens, he gets my unconditional love, support, protection etc. I know I love him unconditionally, but I worry that sometimes he reads situations differently. Lots more hugs, cuddles, conversations (that he wants).

Thats' it really. More patience, more attention (if he wants it), more cuddles and love. Less expectation to behave perfectly at school, and to leave it up to school if he doesn't.

Phew. Thanks for letting me get it all out.I reached a low yesterday that thankfully means the only way is up now (until the next low!)

Glad you are feeling better :)

Changing your work at the school will help a lot. It has got to be hard. If I did that I would know I would be drawn to get involved with my child if he was having a hard day. Also being in the same school and witnessing or hearing of an issue means you are taking it home with you thats natural. Plus it will do you good to have that mum time for yourself somewhere else :)

If DS has a problem and the school have given him a consequence for it then I leave it at that as if it is two worlds. For a start DS needs instant consequence followed through as if later he just wont get it and nor will he remember why.

You are in the middle of chaos at the moment if you are dealing with statements and dx let alone family life so you are being pulled in all directions and its no wonder you feel like you do.

Just always remember its NOT you. You are a good caring mum doing a lot for her son. I dont really see any bad there hmmmm? :)

Thank you coff33pot, your post has made me feel much better!

I know if someone else had posted what I had posted I would say exactly the same thing as you. Thanks for the support.

I agree with coffeepot, it must be v hard for you working at the school, as you will end up feeling guilty if you feel your DS is misbehaving etc. whereas for the sake of your sanity you need to take the view that beyond being broadly supportive of good behaviour, what your DS does at school isn't in your control, and so isn't your responsibility or your FAULT.

I am really trying to embrace that view thelightpassenger, and some days it is easy, while other days it is hard.

The biggest problem I have is with the dinner ladies, not the properly qualified members of saff, who seem to like to exert their authority and power over the children in a way that is makes it impossible for my DS not to fail. They don't seem to understand that no, my DS cannot stand still and quiet in line for up to 7 minutes on some days, and punishing him by making him miss his pla time will not mean that he will suddenly be able to stand still and quiet for extended periods of time in line. And physically putting a finger on his head will not make him be quiet, it will cause him anxiety and stress gggrrrrrrr.

Who do the dinner ladies report to?

I think you should complain about them to the HT or their manager.

If you didn't work there this is exactly the kind of thing you'd complain about. Their attitude is not acceptable, and the dinner ladies need to be managed properly.

Lunchtime does seem to be where it all falls apart big style for kids on the spectrum. The playground/dinner hall environment is often their worst nightmare and added to that is the fact that everyone is being supervised by often unqualified staff who are not properly briefed by the school.
If your DS is getting support from the Senco & class TA then school clearly acknowledge he has difficulties and they should brief/train the dinner ladies in how to help your DS. Ask the Senco/HT to provide some training for the ancilliary staff who come into contact with your DS, and if you are successfull in getting a statement, ensure lunchtime is covered in the statement if this is a difficult time for your DS.
We were lucky with our DS as one of his TA's who worked in the morning, also worked as a lunchtime supervisor, so she could keep an eye on him in the playground - she even managed to get him to join in games of football occasionally - which believe me was a major achievement.

It sounds as though he's surrounded by people who don't understand ASD.

They are making demnds on him that his condition simply prevents him from being able to comply with.

I think you need to read as much as you can about ASD and start to understand why ASD makes him behave in the way he does.

Only than can you start to demand the sort of adaptations that his condition warrants - such as not standing in a line tec.

Can any one else suggest any materials of NAS courses etc that could help the OP undertsand what DS is acting in this way because of his ASD?

Thank you WetAugust, it is an ongoing slow process but I am trying to learn as much as I can. When I said in my OP that I jst wish sometimes DS was properly autistic, it's precisely because a lot of his behaviour doesn't seem to fit with what you would expect fom an ASD child. Some of the professionals have described him as 'high functioning', and he is very intelligent in some respects (making him very good at 'acting' normal, but I do still think a lot of it is clever guess work on his behalf and he doesn't really know how to act in certain situations, he just copies other pople well)

IndigoBlue and bigblubus lunchtime has been an ongoing battle between me and the school for over a year now. Things became very bad for DS last summer term, resulting in me taking him home for lunch rather than allow him to be mistreated any more by the lunchtime staff. Many many meetings with the HT, lots of complaints by me, evidence that the head lunchtime supervisor was actually picking on DS and setting him up to fail, but DS hated it, he loves lunchtime and playing with his friends, he hated missing out by having me take him home for lunch .

It has got a bit better, but at the end of the day it is the woman in charge at lunchtime who is the problem, and the HT assumes she briefs new lunchtime staff on the children with ASD and other problems, but really what she says to them is "You have to watch out for that one, he likes to be defiant" or words to that effect (I overheard her telling the new lunchtime statt). I complained to the SENCO and asked her to personally breif the new dinner ladies, which she has done. But nothing will change the head lunchtime dinner lady.

sigh

One of the main reasons I want a statement for DS is to show this lunchtime supervisor, so she actually has to start giving DS a bit more slack, because until there is a statement I tihnk she will continue to believe the DS acts the way he does on purpose and she will continue to respond to his behaviour in ways that don't help him. Her preferred method now is to lecture him for about ten minutes on what is expected of him etc. etc.

Sorry if I seem to be 'drip feeding', there is far too much to write down, and I am mainly writing this thread in order to have a rant and ofload!

Rants and Offloads are a primary purpose of this thread

You're right to try to get an assessment that may lead to a Statement. ASD can be a very hidden disability, the extent of which is sometimes only discovered via a Stat Assessment. Often 'high-functioning' masks the fact that they have significant difficulties in other areas.

Meanwhile, could you think of adaptations that could be made at lunch times to accommodate your DS's needs and then write to the SENCO to ask that they be put in place?

They would find it harder to refuse when you've made a reasobale request for things that can support your son's difficulties in what they call 'unstructured times' and what and you would call 'dinner time'?

that dinner lady sounds awful poor ds