Grandparents: Denial and undermining...

[nenevomito]

Not for the first time my DM has reduced me to teats again.

DS is a chewer and a bad one at that - theres not much in our house that doesn't have chunks taken out of it. He chews most when he's stressed and it really calms him down. We ordered some chewigems and they've been great. DS likes them, he's not chewed his new bed and best of all school said he could wear them and his teacher's fed back that his concentration is better.

All good, right? No. GPs drop him off at school and were complaining that he had been showing everyone the necklace and it was embarrassing. OK I can live with that.

Today I went to pick him up and my DM says "Oh DS whats that dummy doing in your mouth" while looking at me. I said "Its not a dummy, its a necklace" so she said "Oh DS whats that not a dummy doing in your mouth."

DS didn't reply and she said "Well at least it keeps him quiet."

I am FUMING. We have enough problems with him being miserable and stressed and saying he doens't feel right. We do something that makes a positive difference and she openly undermines us and says something to make him feel bad, not for HIS benefit, but just because they are STILL in fucking denial about him having ASD and They don't like it.

I am so sick of it. Its one thing all of the snide crap about "He just needs telling" and all of the other shit I have to listen to, but openly saying something to make him feel bad and to undermine us when we're trying to do things to help him is just too much.

Well I've just managed to cheer myself up. Reduced me to tears not teats.

My parents are both the same, just because my cousin is severely autistic they
Can't understand that there are lesser forms of autism and therefore he cannot possibly be anything more than naughty

Oh I feel for you. To be honest this is exactly the sort of thing I am trying to avoid by NOT telling family about ds's diagnosis.

I am just so fed up of it. I can cope with them not wanting to accept it, even though my DH was actually in the Paed office with me when she gave the diagnosis, but no its still not a problem and its just poor parenting. I FUCKING WISH!!!!

DS has been so happy with the necklaces though. They are making such a difference and for her to do that was just rotten. I just give in. I don't have the energy to deal with their denial as well as the daily grind of getting us through each day.

it sucks big time when the people closest to you should be supporting you, especially when they have a lot of input on your DCs life. i don't know what to say to help you with them, my own DM has only called me once wrt DDs issues, asked 'how she was doing these days'

i've seen those necklaces on the internet, they look fab!

Just realised another typo - DM was in the Paeds office. I can't type angry, obviously.

Thanks tooearly. DS is just so out of sorts at the moment I am just don't know what to do for the best

It's hard to deal with family disapproval. If it's calming him, they'll have to get used to it.
My step-mum used to be a secretary in a special school, so she knows more than the ed psych.

My DM keeps telling me that she has seen hundreds of children so she's qualified.

The SALT said he has ASD.
The Paed says he has ASD.
The Ed Psych didn't say he had ASD, but made major hints in her reports.
His Swimming teacher asked if he had ASD before we even got into the diagnosis stage. His teachers think he has ASD.

But no, according to my mother He is fine, I don't discipline him enough and I am giving him a dummy.

Sympathies here, DD is a chewer and my mum and auntie keep saying 'she must be teething'

she's wrong then, baby

what makes me go is the people who think you WANT your DC to have ASD...twats they are

Sorry babyheave that is horrible of her. He likes his necklace and its working. So what if she is embarrassed. Tell her to get on with it or if she is that embarrassed dont come to school with you. Got this with MIL & SIL unfortunately. We are still going through dx stage so according to her its still very "suspect" that he may not have ASD. And she brings it up every moment she can. Top it all she ignored him from his first birthday party because I said she couldnt take him out on her own as he got upset quickly when out and he was heavy and best she go with me or with SIL. And so they refused. Between 1 year and 5 yrs he was left here while they took out DD they would pop in throw him some sweets and leave 5 mins later. He didnt call her nanny he called her "what have you got for me :(

Finally snapped and went berserk (as you do ) when she said to me once "we try to love DS but we dont see much of him" how can you not love your granchild?? Cut a long story short they decided after my outburst to make an effort and at least visit him at home properly. Found out he has SPD in the meantime and now they talk at him like he is hard of hearing, and I get "hes a happy little thing isnt he" "oh he is actually quite intelligent" still dont accept he has even sensory issues and keep on that he is too smart to be disabled

An explosion is going to happen sooooon

When my DS2 was a baby..undiagnosed but obviously with problems from birth(totally floppy, didn't smile til 11 months..bla bla) my MIL would NOT have it that her grandson had special needs... no he couldn't smile, sit, interact.. because at 8 months old ...

"he is bored"

Seriously. She also liked to mention that the other kids all walked at 10 months (whoopee) and kept mentioning it even when DS2 got his AFOs...and we were thrilled when he started taking steps at 2.5 years old.

She still doesn't believe he has autism... ho hum.. he's just 'weird' .

These days I just ignore ignore ignore....

So sorry, babyheave. Nothing to add, really. The chewy necklaces sound great. DS2 ruined 6 dining room chairs and 2 beds, plus numerous T-shirts and coats with his chewing. Wish I'd had MN back then.

TBH I can't get past the reduced to teats! Then tooearly going on about it sucks big time and I'm just sniggering in a very juvenile way...

Time to read the riot act.

Something along the lines of "It's devasting enough that he has a serious disabillity, and a real uphill battle wthout his OWN Grandmother being a spiteful cow!".

No tears, you aren't a little girl. Tell her straight you need her support not her spite. You don't have to let her anywhere near you and yours.

I suppose I am lucky my parents live very far away and we only see them for a couple of weeks once a year (at Xmas, so they have just left, heaves sigh of relief). My DM not too bad but DF made some comments which ot me fuming "he just needs a smack" etc. But also, in contradictory fashion "he seems crazy" (when DS spends a hour opening and closing a door), which actually got me very angry. He really did not have any idea...

Can anyone else drop your DS off at school?. I would be looking now at childminders.

I would also be reading your mother the riot act and without tears as well along with saying that whilst she can live in the land of denial because its easier for her, you as DS's mother cannot and will not!. It is a stance that will do your mother no favours at all in the long run and certainly does not endear her towards you.

Where's your Dad in all this, I only ask as he is not mentioned.

Glad to read that the necklace is working out well for your DS. On a wider level though how else are school supporting him?.

How awful. Agree she needs a stern talking to. Really not acceptable to make a vulnerable child feel crap about themselves. I get this a bit from some relatives, luckily they live on the other side of the world! On a more positive note we recently had a visit from family who haven't seen ds since he was 2, I was a little concerned he might find it stressfeul but my 10 yr old neice was fantastic with him, totally got where he was coming from, learnt how to make him laugh or distract him. Only downside is he is now heartbroken they are gone.

for you. As she clearly doesn't want to listen to you, is there anything in writing that you can show her, like the assessment reports or any notes in school contact book saying the necklaces are helping? My parents were very reluctant to believe DS2's diagnosis (and I still don't think they do), so I know how you feel. They have not shown any interest in finding out more, but at least I have MIL on my side, who actually wants to know what she can do to help, and has read all the leaflets I've given her from NAS.

Thanks all for your support. It really helps. DM and I have an interesting relationship where she still knows how to press all of my buttons despite leaving home 20 years ago. DH said he would talk to them, but then chickened out as he didn't know how to raise it with them. DS came home without his necklace yesterday and now I don't know if its been 'lost on purpose' or its just in with the rest of his sensory basket at school.

So, being too weak and chicken to confront my mother and take all of the angst that would bring I was thinking of emailing her the following note- thoughts?

Hi,

I was quite upset yesterday with you making the comment to DS about ?what?s that dummy in your mouth for.? If you don?t agree with something that DH and I do, then you need to talk to us about it directly, rather than undermining us by making comments to DS. The necklaces are for DS?s benefit and while I know you and Dad don?t like them, that?s not my first priority. We?ve noticed a huge benefit at home since he?s had them he?s not so jumpy, he?s stopped chewing the sodding furniture and he?s a lot calmer. His class teacher has already been in touch to say what a positive change they have brought in the classroom where he is concentrating better on his work. All of that is more important than what people may think about him wearing it.

DS is feeling positive about them and likes them and they are helping him. Associating them with being babyish doesn?t hurt anyone but him. Please don?t do it again.

I know that despite you being in the Paediatricians office with me that time, that you don?t think DS has ASD and to be honest I just don?t have the energy to either deal with your denial or try to change your mind as I have enough to deal with my acceptance of the diagnosis and the work I need to do as a parent to support him.

Mum, I love you and you are one of the most intelligent people I know. Please read up on ASD, read about sensory seeking behaviour and sensory processing disorder and try and come to terms with the fact that DS has ASD as I need your support. If after learning more, you still want to deny there is a problem or put it down to my shit parenting then we?ll just have to agree never to discuss it, but I?d rather we didn?t end up with that Elephant in the room.

Sounds good to me. Firm but fair. good luck

babyheave

Good email but you need to say this to her face to face. E-mails can be ignored.

I can sort of see why DH chickened out of talking to your mother re this matter but it is important that you BOTH address this issue with her and face to face too.

DH and your good self need to present a united front with regards to your mother. Any weakness you both have towards this woman will be used to her advantage; you cannot and must not back down here. Set boundaries re her; always pull her up on any poor behaviour.

Re this part of your e-mail:-
"If after learning more, you still want to deny there is a problem or put it down to my shit parenting then we?ll just have to agree never to discuss it, but I?d rather we didn?t end up with that Elephant in the room".

Agreeing to never discuss it is not an option (that certainly does not help you); your mother can live in the Land of Denial for all she wants but it does not change anything re her grandson. I would tell her that her denial stance helps no-one least of all her because she ends up looking mean spirited and your relationship with her may well become damaged beyond repair.

Ultimately you may well have to come to the painful realisation that your mother is not the kindly good natured generous soul you want her to be.

My son, now 21, severe CP. His birth was traumatic, and we knew he was very likely to have problems. But, oh, the denial!

My mum suggested, that I just accept that they were coping/processing differently, and you know what it helped!

When they said, he WILL WALK, I smiled and said, probably not, but he'll do lots of other things. I found a way of challenging the denial without allowing myself to be engaged by it.

Easy for me, all these years later, I know, but it did help, and everyone did, eventually accept and support us all.

And he does do lots of other things!