I keep digging that hole

[gastonscave]

After another school run has ended up in an shouting match and my ds stormed into school shouting he isn't going to come home I am on my knees. I know its my fault I should learn to hold my breath and count to ten, shouting and getting cross doesn't help but I have no patience left.

DS was dx with ASD in June and since then I have been lost, not with the DX as it came as no surprise. But the lack of help or any form of support from the so called professionals.

This mornings outburst was the usual morning row.

'Are you ready for school?'
'Yes'
'right in the car'
'wheres my hat, wheres my gloves, I cant find my bag'

He's eleven you think we might have got the hang of it by now, and I know it's just a normal child thing, the other two are the same. But I can't cope anymore and I always start shouting and even though the voice in my head says 'shut the fuck up' my mouth keeps working.

He said he hates going to school its the same old same for the last six years and he has had enough, then mumbles about idiots and morons not getting the message. I completely fly of the handle and tell him I am fed up with his attitude and the way he is so rude to everyone all the time and I won't put up with being called names. He bursts into tears and storms into school saying he isn't coming home and what do I say? the supposed adult 'Good'

It's not until now that I realise he wasn't calling me a moron, but himself, because after six years he still can't get himself ready when asked. I feel like I constantly let him down, then shower him with attention instead of talking properly to him, and then the next morning the cycle starts again.

I need to listen more, I need to stop shouting, I need to be more patience and not rush him. I know what I need to do so why can't I?

i really feel for you!! and you know we are all human! dont beat yourself up over it,draw a line under it and start again,
why dont you try and have some quality time with him this eve at some point if you cant and sit down and talk,and see if you can both come up with an agreement? ive done this with ds,although my ds is 7 and a half,much younger,but it did help,
i swear my neighbours can hear me at times!
do you think he would come up with an idea to help/sort out mornings so there less stressful?
i know with my ds,he has his chart,but like i said,he is 7,maybe you could do money/cinema/books/mate round??
ds has to get dressed,then breakfast,then teeth,then get everthing by the door to go!!eg:bag/coat/lunch....if he cant do this 3 times or more in the week then he is allowed to pick a mate to come round on a monday,and it works for me,
maybe you could alter something like that to fit in with you ds?
hope your ok though xxx

ive put "cant do this" i mean "can"

thanks crazygal. I do need to sit down with him and try to come up with some ideas to make things easier for the both of us.

I need to stop getting so frustrated with him. It just feels like nothing works, I can't get him to do anything without a shouting match occurring be it homework, tidying his room, viola practice.

One step at a time, I need to stop overloading him with commands and focus on one thing at a time.

i get very frustrated to,not alot of people dont! ds pushes me to the limit aswell....
around two yrs ago i had a lady come to my house.a type of super nanny...she gave me so many tips,this was all before ds got a dx,so really i didnt know what i was dealing with,
she said i gave to many commands,she told me one,maybe two at a time,she said things might get done abit later,but they will be done with less stress,god i used to ask shout at ds to upstairs and get his socks,coat,shoes,make your bed,put that puzzle away!! and i expected him to do it,but of course he didnt,that lady watched me doing that,ds came down with only his socks that day,she made me send him upstairs again to get just his coat,she said thats enough now,the puzzle and bed can wait for now,and its not important,she taught me that i choose my battles,
she was a blessing for me,
xx

myself and dh wrote down all the things that we want to "improve" with ds,what we did and didnt want him doing etc,
we held a "meeting" with him,which he sort of enjoyed,because we also got him to write down what he wanted to make the home happy,
we all had a good chat about it,and i wrote down the "agreement" if you like,
we met half way,and it seems to be working at the moment,xx good luck xx

I try to watch how I put things, that helps a bit - 'ready' is a very vague concept really, lol, breaking things down into the exact elements takes more time at that point, but it stops me losing my temper and the fallout from that later on...

'I need to listen more, I need to stop shouting, I need to be more patience and not rush him. I know what I need to do so why can't I?'

Because you're human, it's all very well knowing what you should be doing, but it doesn't stop you reacting how you usually do - well it doesn't me anyway

I just go for the 1 or 2 word commands not, eg "shoes on", "coat on". It takes agggees.
I shoulted at dd1 the other day because she said she didnt want to go riding as its boring (shes loves it once we are there), and i just yell about how ungrateful she is, does she think i like being out in the cold and mud and spending money ect ect. Poor thing didnt understand it at all :(

lisadd123 that sounds like the numerous conversations we have with him usually centered around viola practice and how much money the lessons and orchestra costs, and once I start I can't seem to stop moaning at him, lazy is one of the things I usually throw at him.

Thank you all ladies, you've made me cry and made me realise I'm not the monster I feel. I can't keep beating myself up, it's not doing me or him any good. The usual guilty feeling is that I have somehow caused the asd or he hasn't got it and it's me that has made him the way he is, after eleven years of moaning and complaining who wouldn't switch off

I will pop to sainsburys and get something nice for tea, I think we all need to sit down tonight and have a family talk about our way forward

'The usual guilty feeling is that I have somehow caused the asd or he hasn't got it and it's me that has made him the way he is, after eleven years of moaning and complaining who wouldn't switch off'

Is he your only one? I have an NT DD who's 11, not only do I not have to specifically tell her to put socks on under her shoes or to take her pyjamas off before putting her school shirt on she gets up earlier than me so that she can do her hair and gets all her stuff together without me saying a word...the comparison between her and my DS is all that keeps me sane some days, rofl

I agree with zzzz, do try to take as much pressure off as possible. We have uniforms laid out ready, no tv or Pc or DS in the morning at all, dd1 has her little jobs, like pouring cereals, dh walks the dog, im doing their hair. HAve lunch boxes, book bags and shoes by the front door.

as the saying goes "keep calm and carry on"

I have made DS2 a visual list of things he needs to do before/remember to take into school. He is 10 and NT and shows no signs of knowing how organise himself.

I have had lifelong issues with organisation and I have just spent a long time reading, absorbing and putting into practice an amazing thread in AIBU about organisation. I feel - at a very late age - that I am beginning to understand how to run a house. A stressful house that includes a son who can do nothing for himself. It was so helpful, I thoroughly recommend it.

I would definatly agree with the visual timetable/list of asks, break it down in to chunks, eg. clothes on, brush teeth , pack lunch, reading book in bag etc.

Dd3 was really bad before we started using this method and now a year on she can get herself ready with hardly any reminders. In fact the only reminder I give is "check your timetable".

Also reducing the instructions helps, do away with fancy words and just give short precise instructions, if he has ASD he won't even notice that it is not particularly polite, I say Coat on, Jumper on, get in the car.LOL

I find the sargeant major method works well.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Oh and one more thing from someone with 23 years ASD experience, Never shout. They only shout back. I know that is really hard but believe me it is much nicer if you can lower the volume.

ineedalife no more shouting, I don't think my throat can take it anymore anyway

bakelitebelle we have sat at the computer together and he has made a morning schedule with pictures that we have pinned to the kitchen door, thank you. I will check out that AIBU thread about organisation skills as I think that is one of my biggest down falls.

zzzzz how do you cope I struggle getting three out of the house on time.

tabulahrasa, he is the eldest of three and I think the other two have picked up on his laid back attitude concerning everything, so I am running myself ragged chasing three of them

Thank you all, you have no idea would much all this wonderful advice has made me feel. I feel like I can breathe again and don't feel on the cusp of another panic attack

Visual timetable all the way - or you can make it into a check list if that feels more grown-up for him.

Think very carefully about the instructions you give and make sure they are ones he will be successful at - 'clear the table, get ready and get in the car' is waaaay too vague, for example. You need to break it down into small steps and keep 'em moving through. Make sure the dressing area is free of distractions, ie DS gets changed in the living room rather than his bedroom. Not sure how that would work with a bigger boy, maybe he could get dressed in the bathroom?

And cut yourself some slack! It's effin hard in the morning.

I am late to the thread, but was going to suggest the same as everyone else. I could have written your post about a year ago, as I felt exactly the same way.

We did a checklist primarily for ds1 (9, AS) but ds2 (7, NT) had to do it all too. They had to tick off each item as they did it and if they had all ticks at the end of the day they earned a small amount of money (can't remember if it was 5p or 20p now). It worked really well and after a few months both boys seemed to get into the habit of doing most of it automatically and weren't bothered about ticking the boxes, so we were able to phase out the checklist (although we do still have it, just in case things start to slip). I think making it rewarding is part of the key, well it was for ds1 anyway. Earning extra time on the computer or his DS would also have worked, but at the time he was saving up for a new game.

One thing I would add, is that we found it just as, if not more important to have an after school checklist. Things like, where they put their coat, shoes, bag and pe kit etc, what order to do things in (so come in, take off shoes, hang up school bag, go upstairs and change out of uniform, come down for drink and snack, homework, ot exercises, DS/computer time). That really helped lessen the stress in the morning, as they know everything will be where its supposed to be. We also put up a new hook each for them, so they both knew exactly where to hang their bags and coats and then to place their shoes under them.

We also did a much smaller one for weekends, which helped make sure they did the basics (wash, brush teeth, make bed - although not get dressed, as we were onto a loser with that one ) and this seemed to help ds1 feel less lost/stressed at the lack of weekend structure compared to weekdays.

Finally, we also have a home timetable for school homework, ot exercises and turns on my laptop for maths whizz and mathletics. I decided not to do one at the beginning of the autumn term in the attempt to have slightly more relaxed afternoons, but it was an unmitigated disaster resulting in lots of tantrumming and arguments from ds1 on a daily basis, so its now been reinstated.

It sounds like a lot, but once you get used to it it becomes second nature and you don't even realise you're doing it.

Wilson, ds1 still gets changed in the living room at the age of 9 and we still have to lay his clothes out in the right order and check he's only wearing one layer of pants and socks!

We found a good way of speeding him up getting dressed was by timing him and then seeing if he could beat his own record. He's usually first dressed these days - albeint with no buttons done up and his shirt untucked. Some things will never change!

Oh yes, clothes in the right order ... I know he could cope if I didn't but it would take. An. Extra. Ten. Minutes. That. We. Don't. Have.

Well this morning was huge improvement on our usual chaos. He seems very happy with his visual list and was a lot calmer this morning as I wasn't on his case to hurry up, he took full responsibility of himself. Now I just need to get the other two organised!

Having read the thread about how to organise yourself, I have purchased a Filofax this morning and filled in clubs, camps, school visits and exams it will live by my side from now on. I have always been fairly orgainsed with filling in the calender, but that lives in the kitchen which isn't much use when I am out and about.

I have also printed out a weekly timetable of what needs bringing to school, homework and what clubs we have. This is above the range and is also something which he can refer to.

I feel a million times better this morning and realise it will always be one small step at a time, thank you all for your kind words.

Fantastic gaston. Really glad that your morning was better..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1373827-to-ask-how-you-become-organised-and-together-Seriously-how

There are some scarily organised people on that thread though be warned!

So glad you have been inspired by that AIBU thread like me Gaston. I wish I'd read it many years ago