Child shouting 'Oi MORON!' at my son at play centre! :(

[SleepyJess]

We went out to a family fun pub at the weekend. There is a play centre there which DS (Alex, aged 5, with cp etc..) loves.. it could have been designed for him! He is fine playing in there with DD (age 7) with me just supervising.. nornally I need to get IN/ON these things with him.. (not that I mind.. )

Anyway, I was supervising and watching another child, about DS's age, carefully, as I could see he was following Alex around and staring wordlessly. I have no problem with questions. Alex wears a 'bash hat' (as we call it!).. a protective helmet as he is so unco-ordinated and clumsy and he crawls/climbs around so this alone obviously looked 'different' as well as his other obvious 'differences'). But this child was just staring. (Still no problem.. Alex neither notices nor cares about staring kids.)

Eventually he tapped him on the helmet and said 'Oi!' Alex took no notice and continued crawling around in his own merry way so the other kid started with 'Oi! Moron! OI! MORON!!!!'

Well I saw red.. which I guess was not the right way of feeling/handling it. I said 'Oi! Don't you DARE speak to my son like that! How would you like to be called a moron? Do you think your parents would like you to be speaking to another child like that? I think you should apologise!' to which he meekly said 'sorry' to Alex.. looked terrified.. and slunk off and hid in the play area for about 15 minutes, never taking him eyes off me but moving so he wasn't near me, as I moved to watch Alex.

Next time I saw him he was curled on his mother's lap, sitting with both his parents, telling them something, still looking shocked. His parents kept looking over at me (our table was quite near theirs) and I was bracing myself for them to come over and ask me why I had terrorised their son. They didn't come though. The kid looked so miserable that I started to feel bad and debated mentally whether to go over and say 'look I'm sorry I scared him but I had to tell him off because of what he was saying to my little boy.' I was also musing about suggesting they have a chat to him about disability and special needs.. but I did none of these things.. I actally thought I might make things worse and I gather he must have told them what he said or else they would have been over to me like a shot!

I found this all quite upsetting. Alex is in mainstream and it's been a while since something like this has happened (but when it does I always see red!) because most of the kids Alex associates with not only take little notice of his disability, but treat him really positively.. even the older kids, eg y5 and y6 at his school, all know his name and said 'Yo Alex my man!' etc when I take him unto school myself.

How do others handle this sitations? Alex is 5.. and I still feel like a novice. I get SO ANGRY! (I don't mind questions from kids and adults.. but my little guy being tapped on the head and called 'MORON!' was too much for me!

SJ x

No advice. If the parents had come up to me I would have torn a strip off THEM for their child even knowing such a word at age 5 let alone being such a bullying little thug as to use it. I'm so appalled for you, really sorry.

Agree with pph - some parents don't educate their kids on how to behave. They should have come over & said sorry themselves. Thank goodness the kids at his school are great.

I would have spoken to the parents. A good opportunity to learn about special needs both for them and their son. I don't think 5 is too young for him to be taught that 'moron' is a bad word. He may not have really thought much about how different he looked and was using the word merely because he'd not replied to him. Kid's often call each other names. I am not excusing him just pointing out the way 5 year old boys often behave.

I tend to explain more often about my son these days as he is 6.5 and big for his age (has autism). I usually wait until its necessary and then explain to the parents, or the child if s/he is old enough. I find kids making more comments more and more often though because as he is getting older it is so much more obvious that he is 'odd' although physically appears totally 'normal'. It's usually me that's doing the apologising as he treats other people so appallingly though its not intentional.

I feel a chat does help to clear the air and I am sure most parents would like to know what their child had done.

I do feel for you. I constantly hear kids laughing at my boy and I just have to ignore it unless it does get abusive.

Oh that is so awful for you. I would have been so angry and really upset and most probably yelled at the child also!!

Suppose at a play area children are with parents and tend to behave a lot differently when they are at School,

My friends DD used to be horrible to my SN little girl, yelled at her to go away and says things like "I'm not like Ellie"

But I know if she was at School with Ellie she would be totally different and love her as much as the others do!!

Agree that the parents should have apologised (if the boy had told them what he had said) and I really feel for you

Take your point Eulalia but I think he had noticed Alex's differences as he had spent a good while just gawping silently at him before he spoke to him. I was quite prepared to go over and speak to the parents (who actually looked as thought they were trying to pretend we weren't there after the initial looks as they turned their chairs so their backs were to us!) but it was the fact that the child would have been so appalled and he looked terrified enough as it was! He didn't shift off his mother's lap the whole rest of the time until we left (about half an hour) and kept peeking over. I was thinking maybe that having an adult speak to him the way I did might be punishment enough and that he will think twice before saying something like that again. (I hope!)

Would prefer not to feel that pure rage though! I work with children.. am doing a child-care related degree course.. and yet feel SO mad when DS gets subjected to that kind of treatment. Fact is, as is usually the case, Alex himself was oblivious!

I think they should send us parents on courses to learn to deal with this stuff! Seriously.. I have always said that we should have the opportunity for some kind of counselling on the NHS to help us cope with all that being a parent of an SN child entails.

SJ

Am appalled for you also.

This child had no justification at all to use this sort of language against your son. You did the right thing by telling him off and also hope he thinks twice before using such language again.

Would have thought also that the little boy did not tell his parents the full story - just a version of you telling him off.

Trouble with speaking to the parents in such cases is that you never know how they are going to react when their little darling's actions are being called to account. Some people can and do get very defensive over a stranger criticising their children no matter how wrongly they have behaved.

I'm so sorry to hear this sleepyjess, what a way to ruin what should have been a nice day for you and your family.

I believe I would have reacted the same way, which is totally understandable, I'm sure that little boy will now think twice before name calling again, and like Meerkatsunites has said, I'm not so sure that the parents got the full story as I would imagine if they had of, they would be quick to apologise on behalf of their son, assuming they are of the decent type.

My 5 year old ds with ASD has just lately been using the word 'geek', he has no idea what it means, and I can only presume he is repeating what others have said to him. I totally agree with you that there should be some sort of counselling that could prepare us on how to deal with these awful situations.

I would have been absolutely furious too, SJ.

Good for you! I hope he will think twice next time. A valuable lesson learned I think.

pssst hows the housing issue?

sleepyjess sorry your ds was treated like this
agree that there should be some kind of support for helping us parents of children with sn, ignore deragatory comments
but tbh I have never heard anything deragatory comments towards my ds
if I had I would of reacted just like you

well done you- and his parents should have told him off for staring.

sj - I think you did the right thing.
I would be mortified if my child behaved in such a way. Your direct anger was the best lesson for him.

Yes, it was clearly a wake-up call to the young man that whatever he and his family like to say about disability and difference at home, he's NOT going to get away with it in public . And also at those parents for knowing full well what had happened and not coming over to apologise.
So sorry for you SJ.

I think you were quite right to tell him off & I would probably have demanded to know where his parents were so I could tell them off too! I think most parents faced with such an upset child would talk to the person responsible to find out exactly what happened, & the fact that they didn't means they either know their son was in the wrong or couldn't care less about him being told off by a stranger

Sleepyjess - urrgh, what a truly horrible thing to happen.

I thnk it is perfectly ok to feel rage like that.

The little boy did understand that he had done worng, becaus he said 'sorry' - so you didn't subject himm to sometrhing he didn't understnd.

In the perfect script, and if you knew ho the parents would accept it, it might have been constructive to go over to the parents, but it might equally have been disastrous.

Sorry your outing was shattered in this way. Very painful.

You sound lovely, to be sesnitive to the effect on the little lad, and very generous. This will stand your Alex in good stead.

Thank you folks (Not one of you have said that my rage - and it was RAGE! - feeling was inappropriate so I suppose I must be 'normal' lol.. and sadly I suspect most of you have 'been there'! ) Thanks Blu for your kind comments. I WAS rather surprised at myself for feeling sorry for the little boy. I am not used to terrorising kids I suppose. (Wish I could terroriste my own just a little sometimes, lol!(

A new phrase for us SN mums.. 'Hell Hath No Fury Like A Mum Whose SN-Child Has Been Scorned...' (Not very catchy but hey ho!! )

Misdee - thanks for asking re housing. No news yet and no comeback on the contact the MP has presumably had with the housing director. Alex has started going to the repsite carer's house (she is LOVELY! Only reason she hadn't contacted us before Christmas as planned was because she had social services bring a extra child to stay long term.. a neglected disabled 12 yr old girl.. she is lovely.. it's very sad ).. not because she didn't like the sound of Alex.. lol. I feel as if she has been worth the long extended wait for respite and she is going to push for us to get 6 hours a fortnight instead of the 6 hours a month we have been awarded. (Even tho that was great! I did crafty things with DD.. she was SO grateful it made me feel terrible about the lack of one-to-one time I give her...!)
Anyway, Alex has been bringing his Kaye walker home at weekends and he took it to the respite carer's house and she commented on how great he is walking with it.. and said it is a terrible thing that he can't use it at home due to lack of space, that this is real deprivation for him, and that I should write another letter directly to housing and tell them about this. So I think I will.

Thanks for asking Misdee.. and sorry for rambling, lol.

Thanks all for the input. Think I can 'shelve' the nasty pub incident in my mind a bit better now.

i think what happened was terrible and what you did was totally acceptable. I wonder if the parents were embarrassed when they found out what the child did rather than annoyed at you for speaking to their son. I bet that little boy will not forget what you said in a very long time....

you know I sometimes think we are conditioned to feel bad about someone elses guilt etc... it can be so powerful in a positive way.

So well done you!