ADHD and being "labelled"

[HariboBoo]

Hi all - this is my first time here so just been having a good look around...firstly, I feel happy that I don't feel quite so alone in all of this.

I hope someone can understand how I feel as I'm not too sure that I understand it myself just yet. I've suspected from the word go that my rather 'spirited' 3.5 year old son has 'something a little extra'. I've said this since the start but always get the response (from friends/family) 'oh he's just a boy - they're all like that - he'll settle down'. Well, he IS different - he's got more energy than a duracell bunny who's had too much coffee - he can't sit still, he climbs everything (including his 1 year old brother), he can't sit in line or wait his turn, if we ever go out for a family meal (!) it's a race between his Dad and I so someone can catch him before he gets himself into the kitchens (or out the door), he barely eats and what he does eat has to be peanut butter on bread, and he shouts ALL THE TIME! He's just so volatile if things don't go his way, or if someone doesn't follow the rules...

Anyways, so last term his nursery admitted that there was something up. I took him to see his paediatrician who's known him since birth and she agreed that ADHD is highly likely although no one would diagnose that until he's at school (she was happy however to put this in a letter to help me). Now Early Years are involved who are now assessing him for a statement before he starts school in September - he'll only be just 4 which i think is far too tiny but there we go :(.

I'm sorry - I'm waffling. What i really wanted to say was that I was very relieved when DS's nursery, and everyone else who has come to assess him, agreed that there is something else there - it wasn't just me being an over concerned Mum. But what is really winding me up is that soooo many people have said to me 'oh NO - you mustn't let him get labelled'...I mean, seriously??? If he's got a special need and there's help out there for him BECAUSE of this special need then I'm going to flipping grab it with both hands, right?? My Step-Mother went so far as to say that it'll go on his 'file' so if he ever wants to get a job as a pilot or go into the army then they'll know about his disability! Well, I'm glad they will know about it, because it is a part of him and it's what makes him special!

Why can't some people accept that I don't see this 'diagnosis' as a negative thing - OK so we've got our work cut out for us, but I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he's educated in a way that works for him and if being 'labelled' is going to help that happen then so be it.

Do you think I'm being too naive - don't I know enough about this yet perhaps? Or do I still have the 'rose tinted' specs on?!

Thanks for reading and sorry for the rant - I'm really very nice, but some things really wind me up :)

Firstly ADHD totally won't go on any file at all! They only thing that will stop him being a pilot is IF he is ever medicated and is still medicated in his late teens.
Fwiw I think you are doing the right thing embracing all the help. My dd wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until she was 7 so we had 3 hard years at school before finally her being understood!
Much better to start off on the right path. My dds football coach had severe ADHD as a child, he's in his 20s now an amazing bloke and almost turned pro at footy! So there you go shove that at step mother

Your child, your decision so your step mothers opinion or anyone elses on the negative front dont matter.

If you get a "label" you can broadcast it all you like or keep quiet about it other than those that really need to be in the know like school to get proffesional help.

It doesnt change your son one bit he will be the same with or without a label so tell anyone else to mind there own business. Without a label he could possibly struggle with education and not be understood and treated as "bad boy" for the whole of his school years. That to me would be more damaging than a simple label with then access to support. :)

If he does have ADHD (and it is often hard to tell for sure until a child reaches school age - DS1 was diagnosed with ASD with hyperactivity age 3 and only got his ADHD diagnosis officially when he was 6.) he will be labelled regardless. People will hoist up their judgy pants and label him as naughty because he is impulsive and can't sit still or rude because his attention is all over the place and he ignores them in favour of something more interesting at that particular moment or useless because he's unable to focus and achieve anything.

If he has ADHD which he turns out to need any sort of help for, then he will need a diagnosis. Nothing untoward will be tattooed on his arm for all to see and you will be able to make your own decision about who you tell and how much you tell them.

Like Chundle we spent 3 years struggling in primary school and ds was labelled the naughty child until we got a diagnosis at 7. My brother is in the army and he has undiagnosed ADHD, he has said there is no problem with ADHD in there in fact those who do have it are not refused as they actually make the best soldiers, they thrive on the discipline and structure. There is currently a campaign to change the rule around piloting a plane with ADHD as it has been proven that ADHD medication has no bearing on the safety of the pilot.
We have been very open about ds's ADHD as we felt like people needed to know and to be honest we have been very lucky in that most people have been great about it. There are still some that think if you get a diagnosis of ADHD then you have no chance of ever having a good job and will only ever end up in jail. From the reaserch I have done it is more likely the opposite, if ADHD is treated in an effective way then that person is less likely to commit crime or take illegal drug than if not. My ds is medicated and it was the best thing we did as he is now 12 and heading to take 3 GCSE's a year early, he would never be able to that without his meds.
In the end it is down to ou whether you get a diagnosis and who you tell.

there are loads of lads who were dx adhd in the army as well. lots of physical exercise and good routine and discipline - tis the ideal career! (obv once they have been through puberty, off meds and learnt some coping strategies lol)

(oh, just noticed that jones already said that!)

ds1 has adhd. he's only just been dx (he's just 10) but he's been one of the 'something but not sure what' kids for a looooong time. the psych is very good and has a lot of very positive strategies. i do know that the paed will now want to medicate (and his teacher is keen), but most docs won't do this until 6 unless there are v clear reasons for earlier. ds1's issues have been ignored for a long time because he is so bright, and more inattentive than disruptive in class, so only affecting his own education iyswim...

I am sorry but your stepmother needs to get a grip.

What is the actual likely hood of your Ds becoming a pilot??.

Fgs its now that you and he need support and early years is really the best place to begin.

There are loads of people on here who have struggled for years to get help for their kids.

You are being a brilliant parent, you are honest about your sons issues and prepared to do what is right for him.

Ignore the fools who talk about labels, they know nothing.

Good luck.

The worse thing you could do, as his parent, is ignore his challenges in and out of the classroom. 'Labelling' your son will hopefully get him some support and more importantly, understanding of his condition. He sounds on the severe end of the diagnosis and this would make it even more crucial once he starts school. My ds2 was being assessed from age 4, but wasn't diagnosed until 6. He has a mild dx, but still gets lots of support at school. A natural reaction from family member is the "he's just a boy" comment, but you will know in your gut it isn't just that. Chundle my son seems to have ADHD written on all correspondence I sign, get from SENCO or read from his paed ... surely it 'sticks' and is available in the future to access too??

Madame in all the jobs I've gone for I've never noticed a tick box for ADHD. So I assume its one of those things that you disclose if you want to. As others have said people join the forces with ADHD and asd as they make good service people. Tbh I think when you apply for a job where you need a medical they are prob looking for more ' medically' things ifyswim

Look 15-20 years into the future. Your kid, your choice!

Choice 1:-
Sadly the prisons are full of illiterate young men with undiagnosed invisable disabilities such as adhd. Who wants that "label" for their child? Raising him was tough, he was always in trouble for something! If only I hadn't listened to my MIL and got him help when he was little, I never wanted MY son to be a "statistic" like this.

Choice 2:-
Diagnosed ADHD at 4. That was a hard time & some family members gave me grief - so glad I ddn't listen now as I'm SO proud of all he has achieved. Needed some extra help at school (bad year where we needed meds too!). Raising him was hard work but I had support during the worst bits. Now a Uni graduate & just starting a great trainee job doing something that really interests him.

Hi all - thank you so much for all your responses. I'm not worried or concerned about getting a diagnosis - or labelling him - if that's what we need to get him the help he needs then that's brilliant by me!

I suppose i've just been quite shocked at the sorts of comments you get from people when you talk about this subject - and actually, i think most of the people are misinformed and don't know a thing about it...and are talking out of their back-sides ;)

Yes, you'll invariably get these as well:

• he'll grow out of it
• boys will be boys
• he's just got a lot of energy
• boys take longer to settle in school (or develop, or whatever)
• there's no such thing as ADHD
• he just needs a bit of discipline (or a smack or better parenting)
• give him to me for a bit, I'll sort him out...

sigh... we've heard them all so far... and more...

It doesn't matter whether or not he is labelled. His behaviour WILL set him apart to some extent. The important thing is to get him the support he needs so that he can learn and function to the best of his ability. Anyone that is not on board with that IMO can take a long walk off a short pier.

Yep, it's been one of THOSE days today.

Chundle I meant more in the line of 'medical' questions. Many forms ask if you have a medical conditions (especially if you're on meds) .... not sure if you would need to disclose though - bloody well hope not. I worried about it affecting life, health insurance in the future

Ah I see madame, well I have epilepsy and I've been told I don't need to disclose if I don't want to. Suppose its the same really

hi ppl its my first time on here so can sum1 help when my son was 20 month i knew there was something wrong with him i turned a blind eye thinking it was me i know he has ADHD people can say you cant say that i am his mam i know his 2 older brothers have it (there 18 now) and i no it can run through family he does not stop from 4:30-4:45 til 7 at nite he dosent stop,hitting,throwing toys,bullying his brother (hes only 1)he thinks its ok t push him off the chair headfirst hes smash his nanas window trying to hit his cousin with a golf club am sick of telling him off he'l say sorry nd do the same again forgetful ,cnt follow instructions talking non stop all he talks about is superheros and patter i listen so he dont feel like am not listening but can sum1 help and just plz understand dont feel like doctors or any1 is listening to me HELP

Hi, helpmesum1, have you spoken to your HV about the difficulties you're having and your family history?

Thanks for replying ill give it a try.

HV is good option, GP as plan B. and if you get a fob-off, just keep insisting on referral to a paediatrician. When someone is concerned there's normally 'something' but it could be another disorder rather than pure ADHD so they may um, ah and observe before diagnosing.

Occupational therapy service is good source of help/ advicefor safety equipment, and Speech therapy triage sessions at the children's centre are another route to referral.