How did you feel the first time you took your child to a special school?

[timetoask]

My gorgeous boy is 6, he has a general developmental delay, after being for two years in mainstream it became clear that we were fooling ourselves in thinking that mainstream would work out.

We realised that special school would be right for him, for his development, social integration, we celebrated when the statement mentioned the special school we wanted. And yet.... When I took him this week for his first day, I felt so awkward, like this was a point of no return, an acknowledgment that whatever help we give him, he will just never catch up, I never thought I'd feel this way. I was so used to taking him to a class full of able children and for him to be the odd one out, taking him to a class where some children are less able than him was, I don't even know what word to use... strange, painful.

I am crying here. I keep thinking I've come to terms with his injury, and then something happens that makes me feel is way.

Why is it so painful

Hiya timetoask my ds is 14 and is sn. It is normal to feel the way you do as goin to mainstream made you feel normal, that's just what you do, ds was doing what all the other kids do. Please don't feel bad for feeling like this. Give him time, I promise he will thrive in his new school with staff and support tailored for him. It is a huge adjustment to make but are strong little buggers and will surprise you every day

Meant to say kids are strong little buggers! Private message if you want to talk.

I couldn't read and run. Because its a reminder That however strong we are, however well we core there are some things which are not as we expected them to be, these leap up and bite us when we least expect it. Be kind to yourselves, its a big change for all of you.

I enrolled dd (possible cp dx, dev delay in fine motor, speech and problem solving due to birth injury) in a sn playgroup. I was really excited, hoped I'd meet other parents and learn new play skills for stimulating dd. I went to the first few sessions but realised I couldn't cope with dd looking so 'normal' and no other parents would talk to me. I didn't go back and instead do mainstream and see my dd as the odd one out, it brought us closer in the long run because I did what she needed rather than what I wanted.

One of my best mates went to ss, so did my sister - both have achieved "success" in adult life (marrage, kids, degree, running own biz, well paid jobs blah, blah blah) that just wouldn't have been possible if they'd been left to rot in manstream in their formative years.

Just saying ; )

Even though I knew my Ds had lots of issues I really NEVER thought about special school.I was so keen for him to go to MS school.At an opportunity group one day ,one of the staff said 'don't write off SSs-some are really good'

I still wasn't ready.

My son went to SS when he was due to start school.

It's the right place for him to be.

He is happy

Do I wish he was at MS...no

Do I wish he was ABLE to be at MS ...yes

It IS painful..and things will keep catching you out....but you are doing the right thing by your son...and we are here if it helps....

We're looking at our options too atm.

One thing that has really stuck in my mind is that the right school is the right school, and that is the school where your child will be the best they can be, and isn't that what we all want?

I suppose it can get more tricky if your options are limited and you feel you are compromising, although tbh everything is going to have an element of compromise, but hopefully it is just a small and bearable element.

I hated it when I visited my DS's SS. All those children with disabilities, I was still partially in denial and my DS wasn't going to fit in.

Of course he fitted in really well, made 'friends,' got invited to parties and finally seemed to be somewhere where he could make progress and be happy. I became a parent governor, helped to save the school from closure and finally got a temporary job there which enabled me to start working as a TA. My DS moved on, but my heart is still there.

It's perfectly normal to feel upset, it's another step on the road of admitting to yourself that your child has SN, and you don't want him to have SN. Think of it as enabling him to have those things all children should have, a peer group, a school where he can learn and be happy, somewhere where he is valued.

Thank you all lovely people,for your messages. I know it is the best place for him, i am ever so grateful that he has the option to go to a school where everything and everyone is so in touch with his needs. That is why I just didn't except to feel that way. But it felt good writing it down here.

If he ever gets invited to a playdate or form a special friendship I will be over the moon.

Thanks again. Xx

I will write from another perspective. My dd 4.6 (AS traits, speech and lang, developmental delay) years has just started MS foundation, she has a statement for 15 hours, and 10 extra hours payed for by the school so 25 in total. Since she has started there in September she is loving it. The progress we have seen in her has been fantastic, she is managing a full day with support of course. They tailor the curriculum to her so its very needs led. DD tells me she likes school, and likes to go, and when we go past there, she points to it and tells me proudly that its 'her school'. DD is calmer, less meltdowns, her concentration has improved, she is even able to play board games with us, and her communication has improved so much. At the moment its right for her and she comes home happy and smiling thats the main thing. In a couple of years time when she has to move on to a different middle school as it only goes up to year 2 I don't know. Might consider a school with an SN department.

It really depends on the school and how supportive and inclusive they are and the child.

DS 4 ASD and LD has attended a special school since September. I can't speak too highly of it!!! The difference in DS is amazing after just one term of mornings only. We tried MS nursery at local primary with 1 :1 the staff were very helpful but the class was way too big and busy for ds to cope with and although he was happy there he wasn't getting the individual attention he needed.
I fought to get him into the local special school, and like you I was a bit sad to accept him being there but in the end it is about finding the right school for your child.
I consider myself to be very lucky, the special school takes children from all over our county but it is only half a mile up the road, in my village. I get to take DS everyday and have already got to know many of the staff who call me by my first name. I have become a parent governor and already feel like part of the school family. DS will be starting full time next week and is making great progress, I feel this is down to the specialist input he is now getting - he is in a class of 7 children with 6 staff! He goes swimming every week in the school hydrotherapy pool, does rebound therapy goes on a trip out every monday and the whole school environment is so encouraging. He has terrible separation anxiety from me - he can't see me leave / close bathroom door etc without hysterics BUT at school he says BYE BYE !!! It is truly incredible........
Finding the right school is a bit like looking for the Holy Grail - for some it will be mainstream and others it will be a specialist environment - whatever it is the right school is the right school!

My daughter has general developmental delay and finally went to a special school age 11. Long story of trying different schools and a fight with the LEA. I think I would have been more uncertain at an earlier age but because we'd been through the tried everything and failed method I knew it was right 100%. If I could turn the clock back I would have never gone with MS at all.

One of the biggest differences for my daughter is that she has her own peer group and an 'equal' best friend whom she adores. My daughter is one of the less able children within her school but that could equally be true for any child.

Chat to the teacher about who he's getting on with well and get some play dates started .

pigletmania so good to know DD is doing well in MS and that you have seen such fantastic improvement in her. I really hope it continues to fulfil her needs.

cwtch WOW, how fantastic, your post has filled me with hope. Your DS sounds so settled and content. I cannot wait to see my DS improve, will he ever learn to write, to read, I know the staff at his current school have the right knowledge to make it happen.

vjg13 It must have filled your heart with joy to see DD having a peer group and a best friend, that is my hope for DS. He is such a social being and always asks about "friends". I will chat to the teacher and see if I can instigate some play dates. Oh, and good on you for fighting to get the right placement for DD!

At the moment its going well. DD does have ASD traits and we feel that it would be beneficial for her to be around other children with good communication skills so that she can learn from them, as in life she will be in the community and needs to be able to communicate and cope with the outside world. Although her communication and interaction is not on the level of an nt child, she has made a couple of friends and according to her teachers, the children seem to like her which is encouraging. If dd experience of MS was different than we would probably consider a SS but at the moment for dd it is a very positive experience.

The school headteacher also the SENCO is pressing for a dx for dd as she feels it would provide more specific help for her from the SENDIST team.

DS1 has been at an SLD/PMLD school since part way through year 1. We'd had four dreadful terms at mainstream (having not been 'allowed' to look at special schools - ed psych - prior to starting school) so I was just pleased we were going to be out of the hell hole. He's been there a long time now, and it's such a happy, positive place. I do get quite emotional going in there and seeing the kids as they all have such difficulties, but I love it as well. It's emotional though. But... there really is nothing like your child being in the right school for them

Hi jimjams, DS has spent rc, yr1 and first term of yr2 in mainstream, a part of me feels so guilty that I didn't make this move a year sooner, but we had our own reasons, I am trying to look forward and not look back.

The parents have all been SO lovely and friendly. It's the first time I feel like I'm in the same boat with everyone else. I already feel part of the school community. So different to mainstream.

Ds has had a fabulous time and loves it.

hi timetoask my son has been at ss since 2003. its the best thing i ever did for him! hes made loads of friends and has improved so much since he started. before he was at ms primary (his second due to house move) and although he had help he couldnt cope with the work. hes due to leave ss this july and am going to miss the staff so much! i know that these places can be daunting but they can be the best place in the world for your child and for you too xx

Hi Stephanie, my DS also had plenty of help in MS, that is why we thought it would work, but clearly that is not enough for some children.

Thank you for writing about your experience in ss, I really feel so reassured now. Good luck with the next step for your DS. I cannot envisage what will happen after school for us, again another scary thought. Xx

I am so glad my son is in a special school!! Mainstream was horrific for him with the large classes and having to "keep up" with the curriculum. He has aspergers and is now in a class of 4 in year 2 and then joins the R, Y1 for some parts of the day, still only 8 children in all and 5 staff. There is no pressure on him, they teach them so cleverly in a very patient, understanding manner. He gets taken out every wednesday to various parks, just started swimming on a friday which im thrilled he enjoyed! He loves it there, hes actually started colouring in at home! doesnt sound a lot, but he had huge problems with doing anything that involved holding a pen. Oh i could waffle on,lol, its such a relief to drop him off and not worry about him

best thing i did for ds2 he loves it,he started just b4 he was 3 hes 5 now

timetoask - please keep posting about how your son and you are both getting on. I'm currently in the same boat feeling exactly the same as you hopefully if all goes well DD will transfer to SS at the start of year 3. All been very emotional rollercoaster of lows and highs about this decision. DD has GDD and cannot read or write but loves being at school - however its just not really geared up for her even with fulltime support.
The messages on here have all given me hope as well, and rest assured once DD starts I will be soon seeing who she can invite over for a playdate!

Mommapiggy: will keep you informed for sure.
Emotional roller coaster, not doubt, I can relate to that. I cannot tell you the number of sleepless nights DH and I had pondering about this.
Reception is fine lots of free play,etc , year 1 gets tricky but somehow manageable, by the end of year 1 it was a no brainer for us.
DS also loved being at school, he is a very happy and resilient boy, but it was simply not the right place for him. In our heart or hearts we feel happy with our decision.

I haven't approached anyone for a playdate yet, he's only been there for one week, don't want to seem too needy

Sounds like we've got 2 peas in a pod here! DD sounds just like your little boy, year 1 seemed bearable but year 2 is just proving too much and she's spending most of the time having 1:1 outside of the classroom (looking back maybe we should have considered this earlier). The gap between her and the others just seems to be getting wider each day. She seems blissfully oblivious to all of this as is a very happy child - must be a GDD thing as have heard this mentioned alot! I hope he settles in well, I think DD will cope with the change better than me!

mommapiggy: Just wanted to reassure you a little, if she is having lots of 1:1 outside of the classroom then you know she is being encouraged this year which is great. I hope your wish for a transfer next year works well.

The problem I found is that as children develop not only do the gap in terms of academic ability get wider, but also the social and play skills dramatically improve in NT children, their games become more complex. Even though DS was being invited to birthday parties (I did try to make a huge effort with other parents) he was just able to join in, he was becoming more and more the outsider.

He has settled well (as I say he is a happy boy), but I want to meet with the teacher soon to find out if he is integrating socially. Will keep you informed. xx