How much do you encourage you dc to socialise?

[siblingrivalry]

I am having a crisis of parenting confidence and would love to know how far you all go to persuade your dc to do things like after school clubs/meeting up with friends ;etc?

DD is 11, with dx of AS, SPD, and dyspraxia. Her main issues are with anxiety levels and sensory overload.

She sometimes does an after-school cookery class at school, but just seems too wrung out and over-stimulated after school to deal with any more and spends a loooonnng time stimming when she comes home (latest stim is humming and running in circles -not so easy on my ears )

Over the holidays, she has actively avoided contact with other children (but plays really well with dd2 age 7). When I asked her if she wanted to invite her closest friend over, or ring her, she said definitely not! She just doesn't want or crave contact with her peers and has said on many occassions that she is happiest at home, where she can read, write and be with her family.

I know this is all part of AS and that her needs are different to those of NT dd2, who is incredibly sociable and loves being out and about. However, I worry that dd1 'should' be having a wider circle of friends and interests.

We did try Brownies and a small theatre club in the past, and she enjoyed a dance class until she was 8 (when graded exams came in, the anxiety was too much for her). However, none of them suited her and it was a constant battle to get her to these activities and not worth the stress on either part.

I should add that she is very polite and friendly and interested in books, writing, craft and music. She loves going for long walks and even enjoys going shopping if it isn't too busy! She is also now developing an interest in fashion and design.

So -sorry for the waffle - I would love some advice/opinions on whether I should be trying to persuade dd to join a club or something similar, or encourage her to meet her friends more? I have explained to her about the importance of working at and maintaining friendships, but I don't think she 'gets' where I'm coming from.

I respect and understand her need for lots of down time, but worry that she will become isolated. Or should I be happy that she's happy IYKWIM and leave her to it?

Sorry this is so long, and thanks if you got to the end

Personally, I think if she's happy then it doesn't matter if she has friends or not.

Reducing her anxiety, and sensory overload, matters far more IMO.

Oh thanks, Indigo, that's my instinct too-just started to really doubt myself.

We have been having external pressure ie well-meaning relatives, who are quick to tell me everything I'm doing wrong

I agree about not forcing her. After a day at school she probably needs to shut down.

Dd3 goes to Brownies but only because I help there, if I didn't go she woudn't. Also she does Brownies around the other girls, she doesn't do the girlie giggling or chattering in fact sometimes she looks at them as if they are a bit of a nuisance.

She is about to join a choir because she loves singing but she won't know any of the other children only the adults, it doesn't bother her she just wants to sing.

I think maybe you could say to your Dd that if she wants to do something after school she should tell you. That way you have offered and left the ball in her court.

Be kind to yourself.

I agree for you to be kind to yourself and stop listening to the "trying to be " well meaning relatives

She sounds perfectly happy from what you have put and so you have done a great job so far. She is at school all day and so socialising is put upon her with no choice but to comply so it is understandable that enough is enough at the end of the school day.

I would broaden on what she does like in the arts and crafts. Maybe there is an art fair you can take her to if she likes shopping. Maybe in a couple years you could look for some arts or craft clubs that are not so noisy and more calming for her. With fashion and design there are some computor tools you could buy to help broaden her imagination. My daughter is NT but is a worrier, and has found this last year before senior school move pressurising, The goals are higher and the expectations they have of her because she is 2 years ahead of what is expected. That is itself is a pressure to stay there and the fear of getting something wrong when the whole school expect you not to fail is hard. Also the hormones are kicking in as she is nearly 11 so I think they have enough pressure within themselves without pushing them further. Last couple months or so she has preferred her own company as opposed to friends after school. She has giant dolls that she makes clothes for, she makes videos with plasticine figures and craft objects she makes and at the moment is mad on origami. All this is extremely theraputic :)

Thanks for the common sense and reassurance

INEEDALIFE, great about your dd joining the choir. And you are right, I need to be nicer to myself and stop worrying.

I think if I just trusted my instincts, I would be fine. Things tend to go belly-up when I listen to people without SN experience. Not everyone, I hasten to add, gives me bad advice-but I here a lot of ' she needs to be mixing more/she must be lonely' etc etc.

Coff33pot, some good ideas there,thanks
Your dd sounds like she has very similar interests to mine. She also has giant dolls- Christmas brought a new one to her collection!

Secondary school is a whole other issue here-we will probably HE, because dd really struggles to cope with the demands in her 70 place primary school-and the choice of secondaries round here is dire.

We removed her from her previous, larger primary, because she simply couldn't handle the constant sensory overload.

I think her SPD is her biggest challenge, despite all of our ongoing work, even more so than her AS.
I need to let her find her own level for interaction, don't I? She's a sensible little girl and I am delighted to see her starting to reason and explain her decisions.
New Year's resolution for me-to only listen to constructive comments

Sibling I haven't read it all, though she sounds similar to my DS. I'm sure your not far from me maybe the kids could build a friendship. However they are different disabilities and am unsure what level of learning disability you dd has.
I need my ds to interact with a peer and as we are having a similar sort of year to last one he will have no social interactions with any kids except his 14 yo sister. No worries if it's not something your interested in though.

oh and btw happy new year

Hi Devientenigma -and Happy New Year, very gratefully received!

I am always up for dd making new friends, but at the minute I can't even persuade her to meet up with her 'BFF'- she says she feels too worn out to be sociable (I know the feeling!)
Maybe when she feels a bit less anxious and stressed?

She doesn't have a learning disability as such, apart from dyscalculia, but her anxiety has a massive effect on her ability to learn.

How are things with you and your ds? I've followed your story over the past year. Is he still out of school, or am I right in thinking there was going to be a gradual re-introduction?
Really hope this is a better year for you both- have one yourself

I think sometimes we struggle so much to get them to communicate that we don't always listen as well as we could. It sounds like your DD is telling you want she needs and you hear her perfectly well, but then other people come in with louder clearer voices and you feel forced to listen to them instead. Don't. Trust your instincts and trust what your DD is telling you.

Thats not to say that you shouldn't push her boundaries occasionally mind you. But at the moment she needs down time - my DS is exactly the same, at one point I was contemplating taking a job again (freelance ATM) but that would have meant after school club and it would have just been too much for him.

DD1 who is 9 on friday, would happily spend all the time in the world in her room with a book, or just at home with us.
We do make her leave the house, we dont make her be socialable and we give plenty of downtime.
Both my girls (both ASD) do horse riding, gymnastics and swimming. We are also part of a busy congregation and also have religious meetings twice a week.
DD1 struggles with the fact life isnt all about her and her wants, and we challenge this.
We dont often have friends here, as this is her space and we find both girls struggle having people here touching stuff and moving stuff.
DD1 also has a friend who we see over the holidays who also has ASD and they just click. They live a good 40 mins away, so during term time they write letters.
We do gymnastics after school but we never do afterschool clubs, it just doesnt work for her.

Lisa, sounds like your dds have a great mix of activities.
I would be really happy if dd would do any of those activities-again, though, her SPD kicks in

She hates swimming because if the noise/smells etc and we had to abandon her 1:1 swimming lessons because she got so stressed.

Wilson, I agree that I'm letting other people's opinions get to me and am determind to develop a tougher skin.
DD is still asleep and I'm loathe to wake her, because she is back to school tomorrow and her anxiety levels will be through the roof.

if you notice the activities dont require much social interaction
We go to SN swimming which is normally very quiet and the girls just ejoy being in the water. DD1 hates her swimming lesson :(
DD2 has SPD, makes things intresting to say the least.

I have a similar dilemma with DS2 (6.5). At school he essentially communicates with his peers "through" one trusted friend and with strange children out of school he communicates "through" his brother. So he can have a great time at both places but he isn't typical.

I agree with the others who point out that there is lots of enforced socialising at school.

Your daughter sounds like a happy girl. To be so content, perhaps she has a quietly established "place" in the class and a sense of belonging among her peers? It strikes me that this may be the core achievement as this will one day transfer to the work-place.

HI Sibling, thanks for the wine, I'll save it for later, it's a bit early for me lol.
Thanks for asking RE DS. The gradual intro didn't work, yes he's still out of school, they have changed his meds which has made him more aggressive, more demanding, needing virtually no sleep and heightened all his sensory issues. Anyway these meds were hopefully to calm him further to use social stories with him...........then problem solved!! Not that I see it working but I will let them waste more time trying, the more time they waste, I am hoping, will make them listen more to us. Iv'e tried all sorts of tactics in the past to get profs to listen and again new year new tactics so lets see where we get.
Thanks for the hope and I hope you and yours year is great x

This thread has made me feel much better - DS2 has Aspergers and has no friends at school or out of it. He plays very well with his older brother but has no interest in making friends and is a very happy boy (most of the time!) I do sometimes worry that I should be making an effort to help him make friends, but he really doesn't want to invite anyone over. If his brother's friends come, he will be fairly sociable with them and take an interest in their games but will do his own thing after a while. He does gymnastics and quite happily chats with the other boys in the class when they are lining up etc but has no inclination to see any of them outside of the class. If he was desperate to make friends I would worry, but for the moment he is happy as he is. I DO worry about the future but I don't want to push him just yet.