x posted- but could do with some SN input on this one

[getbakainyourjimjams]

ok here's the problem. friend's dd is turning 9. She wants to have a party. She is autistic and at mainstream school, she knows exactly who she wants to invite. Friend's dd is verbal, but not really conversational. My friend has written the list of names she asked for down and shown them to her LSA who has ticked off who she has some interaction with.

But what does my friend do? When her dd says party she means getting the kids back and playing pass the parcel and having a birthday tea. I suggested the cinema as she seems able to do that now with a couple of the children, but that doesn't come under her dd's definition of a party. What on earth can she do? Disco??? Would it work? My friend doesn't know any of the other children so has no idea how they react to her dd.

Although her dd can ask for certain people at her party, she hasn't really got the understanding for it to be possible to explain to her that an alternative scenario (eg cinema) would be a party.

Any ideas?

Thinking about it she's a bit noise sensitive so disco may not be workable....

Why not pass the parcel etc? Is it because the other children are past that stage, or because your friend doesn't want the party at home? If it's the first, I would think that - depending on what the other children are like - if it's what the birthday girl wants, they would go along with it. They must be aware that she has different needs and interests to them.

Perhaps the LSA can give an idea of what the other children are like?

I guess that birthday tea and games are too old now for 9 year olds? Does the 'party' have to be in her house. It could always be adapted with games more suitable to the age even if she doesn't participate in them herself. My ds is the same although he relates party to being in our village hall as he's had lots of birthdays there. No matter waht the occasion its always a party - at least he doesn't expect presents every time.

Alternatively they could all go out somewhere for a meal and bring a cake, maybe even do a few small games if its a child friendly place. Are they too old for soft play type places?

Slumber party? Or would that be too 'different'?

We did a traditional party for ds3 for his seventh. It is also his idea of a proper party. I did invite a few m/s parents and they did comment on it being a very traditional party but there children enjoyed it very much. i would think at nine the teacher or Lsa should be able to have a chat with the invited children and explain the party and the fact that everyone has their own idea of what makes a birthday party and that this is hers and they should respect that. Nine is not really too old for this type of party, both my elder children (9 and 12) love any party.

We did pass parcel, pin tail, treasure hunt,etc

At my ds's party I actually found it was some of the more able sn children who had outgrown this kind of party and I had a hard time with a few of them.

sorry, I mean I did invite a few mainstream children.

I think the party does have to be in the house otherwise if you say lets go to .... she say something like "no, party" and not understand that something outside the house is a party.

I think a big problem is not knowing the other children or what they like, even how (whether) they interact with her dd. She doesn't really have the functioning for friendships- not in any normal sense of the word anyway. last year she had a party at home, lots of autitic kids came and a couple of (very lovely) older girls who took her off and did stuff with her. The problem this time is that she has asked for specific people, who although they may be in the same class as her probably have very little experience of what autism actually is.

my daughter is 10 and last year we hired a hall(her friends are maily in wheelchairs) I just put on music and played games. I think most 9 year olds still enjoy party games just won't admit it. Another thig we have done is hire an entertainer wich went down realy well

yes that's an idea maddie- the LSA explaining etc....

I don't think that nine is too old for a small birthday tea-party, is it?

What about watching a DVD and then having the tea?

How about doing some crafty things. The craft table was by far the most successful thing at dd's party- she is only 7 and doesn't have SN but I think that 9 year olds would still like it. I cut out loads of pink hearts and we made butterflys - your friend could choose something that her daughter likes.

Perhaps the teacher could point your friend in the direction of some particularly helpful & approachable parents (of the intended invitees)? - as I do think that with the right planning the m/s children may well be perfectly happy with a party the way the birthday girl wants it. I do think the idea of preparing the other guests as a group, the way maddiemo suggests, is a very good idea - that would get rid of residual awkwardness (if any, which there may not be).

I would be a bit cautious about pass the parcel. My DS1 is a lot younger, admittedly, but he got terribly upset when he didn't win at pass the parcel at his own party (I wasn't doing the music, so I couldn't rig it). He is fine if he doesn't win at other people's parties, but obviously had scripted it in his own head that he was bound to win at his party. He never really recovered his equilibrium, had a big meltdown at cake/singing happy birhtday time and spent the remainder of the party blowing bubbles at the other end of the field to everyone else.

It was that experience that brought me back to the SN board .

Oh yes crafts and cake decorating, we also did these and they went down really well.

I think talking to the other children is the best way. My nt 9 year old goes to the sn unit once a week for various social skils and games with the unit children. He really enjoys it and has understanding of why he goes but he also just accepts the children as his friends even if it is not a conventional relationship.