arghhhhhh at my mother!!!

[JackJacksmummy]

Ok, so my 5.5yr old son has issues - we don't know what yet, he hasn't been assessed but is on the SENco's "radar" so to speak.

He is a very active, boisterous, loud boy, he has been since the moment he could crawl. He has obsessive issues where everything has to be straight and the right way round, he rarely makes eye contact with you unless its on his terms, he has minor speech pronounciation problems and is also extremely clumsy. He is also very sweet, loving, kind and polite when he wants to be.

My mothers answer today when he was jumping in his bedroom was to say to me "give him a smack, he won't do it again, it never hurt you three"
Now I know giving him a smack definitely will not teach him to not to do it again, he would because thats the way he is.

I have 3 children, my 2 oldest are calm, placid children who are the exact opposite of Jack but all loved equally and they have also never been smacked or "hit"

Why is it EVER ok to hit children??!!! and why do people of the older generation say "it never hurt anybody".....

Grrrrrrr - sorry just had to moan somewhere!!!

hi just read your post and i am not saying it is but has he ever been tested for aspergers which is part of the autism spectrum as he sounds identical to my daughter who is now nearly 15 years old and i sruggled for years to get help she only got diagnosed at 12 years but she will not do eye contact affection has to be on her terms and when she was about threeish all her toys had to be lined up in a specific order and if some one messed them up she would have a trantrum. if i can help you in anyway i will and i am sorry if i am speaking out of turn so to speak, but i found it so isolating and no one seemed to understand

hello there,my ds is adhd and is getting reassessed for aspergers in feb,he does similar to what you have mentioned,he is also very aggressive...however i feel he does give eye contact,
we have also been in the same position as you many times this year and on xmas eve!!
our so called friends think our ds needs a good hiding!! nice hey....
our neighbour said all ds needs is one good day with him...ha!(good luck)
on xmas eve we went to our local for lunch,there ds was a "tad" excited about santa coming,a friend of ours was there and i got a bit worried as to why he was looking round at us so much,so asked him,i said are you ok?he said id be better if you took that little loud mouth home!
my mother was the same up until this summer,we had a massive stress with ds at the begining of ths summer..i fell apart at something he did,i wanted to end everything!i had,had enough.my mother who lives in a different country came over and took ds away with her for 2 and a half weeks to give us a well needed break,ONLY then did she realise what he was like,she believed us at long last!!!!
and at last i can talk to her about it without her saying,give him a smack!xxx

hi my daughter will give eye contact but not often and if she feels upset or alone she wont she can also be very agressive and sensitive to noises but smacking and yelling will not help in the slightest i have tried the yelling till i was blue in the the face and all it managed to do was upset me further she also was diagnosed with adhd

truth be known I have wondered about aspergers of some kind for quite a while but we have a very severely autisic relative in our family (my cousin) and it feels wrong to tell anyone that I suspect Aspergers.

There is a whole range of things he does which sometimes i look back on and wonder if thats a trait but we get on with things and theybecome part of our daily lives, it's only when I look at a whole range of things that I think yes, yes, yes, yes etc

I dont really know how to go about raising my concerns without sounding like we're not coping, we do just becasue we've adjusted to how he is, or who to raise them to....suppose it would be the SENCO at the school? He is under them at the moment for his speech.

by raising your concerns it shows that you care and you want the best for your son and not in any way does it show that you are not coping as you say you get use to there little ways and mannerisms. The best way to go about it is to go to your doctors and ask them to refer him to CAHMS or CASBAT and ask them do to an assessment as senco can not refer him then they do quite a few observations and tell you what there diagnoses is but the sooner you can get a diagnoses for him the better as proper help was not put in place for my daughter until 12 and they say that is to late for most of the social skills help and she now suffers from panic attacks but if i can help you further i will

yes worriedmummy is right,by mentioning it you will only be showing that you care,
jackjack-since the run up to ds been diagnosed i research everything and being on here aswell i can see there were things "there" from a very young age,that we ignored! putting it down to boyish/child behaviour,he started school and by the end od his first day the teacher pulled me to one side and said,we have problems!
the senco got involved and set up an iep for him,and they strongly suggested i go to the dr and get a referral,and at that point i didnt have a clue what was "up"
im just glad they picked up on it all so quick,
but please talk to someone about it,it will not come across like your not coping,xxxx

hi i agree with crazygal i think sometimes we do ignore things as it is our child but by talking to someone with your concerns in turn helps your child. i can assure you no one will think it is because you are not coping.

just doing a list here for my own reference....

will only make eye contact on his terms, if you ask him to look at you he will momentarily before switching his glance to look right past your face.

He will appear to "ignore" you, but has had numerous hearing test which have come back fine - could be a male selectively deaf thing though because this tends to happen when he is engrossed in something he wants to do.

He will line up toys in size, pictures have to be the right way up - he went through a monopoly game and switched every single piece of monopoly money to be the right way up and made sure they were in the correct order from smallest to largest.

He hates an excessive amount of light, he will complain that its "too sunny" and hide.

Likewise with noise from the hoover and washing machine - he'll go and hide til it has passed. (I know a lot of kids do this but at 5?)

He hates wearing clothes - although understands that he needs to wear clothes if we go places and have visitors but the moment we are home and it's just us immediate family around he will ask if he can take his trousres and top off - he's done this as long as i can remember and even strips out of his pajamas even in the winter.

He's clumsy, he's always falling over, walking into things and banging himself - he's used to it now and gets up and yells "i alright!"

He very rarely "plays" he'll sit and watch things over and over again - like a funny scene in a movie or cartoon - he is obsessed with the cartoon Mr Bean!

He is still very behind with his reading and writing and definitely numeracy - he is in year 1 and a July born so one of the youngest.

He has always hated getting his hands dirty, he'll paint or do messy play but will need to wash his hands throughout.

He can be told countless times not to do something and he'll continue to do it.

He gets agitated - maybe not the right word, stressed easily - if something changes, he needs to be forewarned of something happening.

He does get angry easily, I have always worried he would get like this at school but his teacher tells me he is always polite and kind - we have had 1 episode of him biting since starting school in September 2010 - from what I can gather the other child was picking on him and called him a baby which he absolutely detests!
I think most of his anger comes from the frustration of not being able to communicate what he is feeling in the way he wants to.

he has absolutely no fear, he LOVES swimming - I really must get him into proper swimming lessons to give him that thing to focus on cos that is something he could be really good at, and roller skating!

it does sound like he is on the spectrum sounds just like my daugher she will not respond to you if she is busy and will totally ignore you, and she to hated her hands being dirty and got upset if they was. also the clothes issue snap reading what you put took me back to before i knew what was wrong with my daughter people use to say i wrapped her up in cotton wool as i would not smack and she was always seen as a naughty child and always falling over even if there was nothing there and she is also obsessed with certain programmes at the moment csi and doctor who. We have to do a daily timetable with her so she can cope with the day. Please go to the doctors and get help as you are the only one who can.
My daughter is also polite and kind at school and the only problems they notice at the moment is her panic attacks she had 2 on the last week of school

Why don't you print out your list jackjack and make an appointment with your GP.

You need a referral to a Developmental Paediatrician, I would never dream of trying to DX your son but he certainly seems to have some behaviours which are spectrummy.

No one will give your son a DX if he doesn't need one so you don't need to worry about that. Sometimes it can take a long time to get the right help for our children so I would recommend that you get the ball rolling.

Take care of yourself and remember you are looking out for your son, he needs you to speak up for him.

Good luck.

any help you need you only have to ask. they say they only show there frustrations out to people they feel secure around and not threatened by if that helps, keep your chin up and keep smiling

Just wanted to add, that I agree about not hitting him!!

Why would you want to hit your lovely little boy??

He needs your help and support not physical punishment. He wouldn't understand the link between his behaviour and you hitting him anyway.

Ignore your mother she is speaking out of her arse. Plenty of people have been diciplined without being hit and I think you need to know if your LO had ASD before you make such a decision about discipline methods.

As worried says come on here if you need to vent, there is always someone around and we all know what you are talking about, most of us have some pretty daft relatives hidden away somewhere.

Hi. I'm the parent of an Aspie DS2 (now 17) and a Granny to two. When DS1 and DD were children smacking was normal. By the time DS2 was born the pendulum had swung right away from smacking, but I did try it once or twice with him and he smacked me back. Your Mum is just going with what she knows, but she was not dealing with your DS. What I'm trying to say is, don't let it get to you, and have confidence in your ability to parent your child, but bear in mind we are all influenced by the times we live in.

Just wanted to say thank you all very much for the advice - I have spoken to DP and he also thinks the same but has not read up on it as much as i have so am on the lookout for a good book (any recommendations?) and will be seeing about getting an appointment with the doctor in the new year.

Happy New Year and i will definitely be back here with updates - and probably tons of questions!

I have had comments like this too about my 5 year old, especially comments about hitting him or hints and tips on how to discipline, like I hadn't thought of that before!?!