Autism and Christmas - arggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[sitandnatter]

Well it's all kicking off here. We've arranged for weeks to go to family for Christmas Dinner, son 14, now saying he's not going, he has to as I also have to drive my mum and it's an hours drive away. He's saying he's not going to enjoy it, I've even threatened to ransom his Christmas money if he spoils the meal for everyone else.

It's the usual stuff, change of food, routine, venue, etc. that he can't cope with. He hates Christmas anyway, can't cope with surprises, hates presents, when little hated Santa, he dreads Christmas and this year is even worse.

Obviously before threatening the loss of money and a grounding if he's rude I have tried sitting down talking and explaining why we have to go, how other people are relying on us, how it will be fun with cousins etc.

Nothing nice or nasty is working. It's as if he has made up his mind to have a crappy time and if he does we'll all know about it.

Not sure what else I can try.

Hi there

i'm not sure how ASD and teens work together, but your DS sounds like a typical teenager to me, having had 2 NT teenagers i feel your pain.

BUT with my limited knowledge of ASD i think what he says about having a crappy time is more real for him than the 'norm' teen angst

can you compromise about what happens when you get to your destination? can he eat his meal away from the main table? take his presents home without having to unwrap them in front of everyone? can you use a little fib about him having a migraine/mild flu to excuse him from sitting with everyone else?

sorry if you've suggested all this, it must be bloody hard for you all

{{{hugs}}}

It's difficult, that's for sure. I'm on the autism spectrum and a mum, and can understand both points of view very well.
It took me years to be able to explain why I found Christmas so scary.
Eating a Christmas meal somewhere else: (in case it helps at all)(and generalising since everyone's a bit different)

Have to wear different clothes - pain from how they feel on my skin.
Get into car, have smell of car fumes, chattering, traffic noise, bumping and jostling...making social conversation on top of the pain and noise...
Get to the house...immediate huge social signalling and deafening noise, kissing, social hugging - all hurts SO much.
House smells different, sounds echo differently, massive amount of visual stimuli which confuses me totally. Can't even hear what's being said.
Drinks - "what would you like". I've no idea. Everyone makes drinks differently so it tastes different and that's another sensory overload.
Presents - what do I say when I open one? This is a massive social expectation that I will look exactly right and say exactly the right things...but the paper is sparkling and distracting and noise from unwrapping it is huge and the chatting is SO loud.
Then there?s the meal. Massive noise, clinking of glasses, social conversation that I haven?t a clue how to process speech fast enough. I can?t understand voices if I look at someone?s face at the same time ? my brain garbles it.
The knife and fork are painfully cold to touch
The food crunches and the smell is overwhelming. Everything tastes a bit different from at home.

I am now so exhausted and in so much sensory pain that I want to curl up and cry, but I?m supposed to be happy because this is a special time. It?s special for the non-autistic people because it doesn?t hurt them like this

And that's why we are afraid of Christmas. Thinking round all those issues takes practice, but it can be done.

BRB Son in room have to be careful. But thanks for now will reply longer later x

We make Christmas day itself a quiet day at home for the reasons amberlight outlines.

My kids are younger, but DS1 is 8 and we do our best to help him feel like he has some control, so we try to give him some reasonable choices.

Would relatives be terribly offended if your DS had the option of not having to sit around the lunch table and be forced to spend time with everyone else, but of taking something familiar to occupy himself in a quiet room away from everyone else?

Hi Sit
Are you sure you're not writing about my two boys?
Only difference is they cannot be reasoned with haha.

Fragile X Syndrome and Christmas....aaaaarrrrgh!

Santas not allowed in our chimney (or even in our house) if he dares he will "Get his f*ing head kicked in"!
And they're not even bothered about presents! So I can't bribe them with that.

Had weeks of wet beds (twice a night at times) due to anxiety over it all

Best of luck anyway and hope you manage to have a reasonable time!

amberlight

thank you so much for posting - DH and i have just read it together and it all makes sense.

it lets us all in on everything you have to cope with, and try to be happy in the middle of it all is another pressure you don't need, i'm sure.

we're having a very quiet christmas, to try to keep DD as calm as possible and for other reasons - i hope yours isn't too stressful for you

Thanks everyone especially Amber who has just helped me to climb inside my son's head again and from there I won't be angry with him I'll just keep trying to understand.

I am very lucky that my sister in law is extremely good with kids who have special needs. At one family meal son's head just sank into his hands and he looked so miserable.

Nanny starts "you've ruined my birthday thanks very much" to try to guilt trip him in to behaving - thanks not.

Other sister in law starts off "Sit here, lift your head and behave". Like feck off if I want your help disciplining my son I'll ask for it.

I told him to sit away from the table in a quieter corner until he could calm down and return calm, other sister in law pipes up about not giving into him.

The sister in law we will be with gave me 100 percent support and explained
how with autism, even though you can't see it, the noise and "cramped" conditions mean they overload and need a quiet space.

So at least I'll know that while other relations won't get it my sister in law will.

That's just reminded me of another trip to their house when due to an awful tragedy they were forced to stay abroad for a couple of more weeks (lost their child on holiday due to illness) and my son went through sister in laws fridge telling her what couldn't be eaten as it was all out of date.

I was mortified at his rudeness at such an awful time. This sister inlaw thanked him and gave him the job of sorting out all of the out of date stuff in the kitchen. So she won't be offended.

At the risk of this becoming an essay, he wanted to go golfing this morning it is one of his his coping mechanisms. I said no, he asked why, I replied there was nothing in it for me and if he forced me I'd be rude to all of his friends and the owners of the golf course. He didn't understand why until I said well that's what you'll be doing to me tomorrow so I'll do the same to you today.

I think he's got it, he has said he won't be rude and I said neither would I and I'd happily drive him to the golf course. I think when I turned the tables so I'd do the same thing he would do, I think, he's got it.

Thanks again everyone.

We have knocked going anywhere on the head this christmas. We always stay home christmas day. We used to visit DH family boxing day but DS gets so worked up with the social expectations and the noise I have decided to put my foot down this year and we are staying at home.

I used to have to do it every year as a child. Boxing day at my Nans. I loved her very much but I hated it and ALWAYS threw up in the car on the way home like a kind of release of nerves. My parents used to tell me off every year saying I shouldnt have eaten to much sweet stuff but I infact ate very little but my Nan used to badger me non stop at the table to eat a bit more Ive cooked all day blah blah....

Im older so not sick now though! but still have that car sick feeling when in other peoples houses and a weird paniky feeling when I get out the front door as if the car is not close enough to jump into

Everything is soooo relaxed this year as we are not going anywhere it is heaven!

We never go anywhere. My DS has his usual food, wears pjs all day. He deserves a pleasant day and so to those around him. If people want to see us then they come here and leave after an hour.

Suit us

I think you may need to have a chat with your son after xmas and say that next year he can have some input into the decisions made about xmas day.

Hi sitandnatter.

Your sis in law sounds amazing, shame the rest of your family cant be so great.

Is there anyway your Ds can be there but not involved IYSWIM. Can he take his own lunch and his Ipod/DS and sit somewhere quite to eat.

I know that certain members of my family just can't do the whole christmas thing. It is just all to social and different.

I know it feels like he is being rude but I am sure if it wasn't such a nightmare for him he would look forward to it like the majority of NT kids/teens do.

My Dd3 will disappear off upstairs at my Sis's tomorrow for some down time and we will only stay for a few hours. Theres no way she could do all day. Especially with stupid rellies telling her how to behave.

We do an hour at my mums then spend the rest of the day quietly at home. But even then there will be a meltdown over the meal. Even though I'm serving him beans and toast! Amber's post is brilliant as always and may be worth printing out and taking with you?

Have just called my brother, we are ok to bring the puppy, that may have a calming influence, we are ok to bring his xbox and games, that too is something familiar, if he gets stressed we are going to go to walk the puppy in a local park and his cousins will go too. I haven't spoken to Sis in law yet but she will have a bucketful of other strategies up her sleeve.

He's is stressing badly that he has no presents from me, only £150 but I can't get him presents as he changes his mind with every shop he goes into and if I had spent it on the first obsession he'd now be devastated he has spent his money on stuff he doesn't want.

I am trying to focus him on Boxing Day when he can spend the money not on Xmas Day when he "only" gets money. He has got presents but because he gets so distressed about them they have already been opened from other people.

If I get presents then he opens them declares they are shet and starts hurting himself for being ungrateful.

Brother's attitude is "he's family we will cope" but I feel better that I've warned them he is totally going off on one about leaving the house tomorrow. I've told them I don't want him ruining their Christmas and that it's all a bit stressy here right now. They are totally relaxed about it which makes me feel a whole lot better

Can I have a Cava now please?

Presents: DH panics himself silly if it's something he doesn't anticipate. We let him buy his own and then wrap them. Worth a thought for future events - possibly let him plan stuff and then get it in the few days before Christmas/birthdays etc so he knows for sure that he wants it. It seems mad for us not to like surprises, but often we just can't cope with 'em, even if they're nice surprises.

Hope all goes ok for people tomorrow....keep it as quiet and low key as possible, and stand by with blankets/duvets/heavy coats to let them wrap themselves in if it gets stressy. Works for most of us.

The poor kid can't even choose he has no idea what he wants, just wants what he sees now then wants what he sees next but if money is gone on the first thing it is a complete meltdown.

We have just succeeded on one major hurdle a neighbour he hates with a passion has bought him gifts, it's been a major source of stress as he just wants to tell him to fluff off. He's managed to be polite, long story put on other threads but neighbour is going to be told no more gifts for son. The run up to the acceptances of the gifts has been a freaking nightmare.

Son doesn't like him, he doesn't want his gifts and to put on acceptance and thanks is a major stress source but I am very proud of him that he has done it.
Neighbour is going to be told by me no more gifts will be accepted so don't buy them.

Update so far so good, he's been to the park already with a remote control car and helicopter, off to a friends now with a card and money, all is calm in the natter household, even the puppy has gone back to bed for another kip.

He seems to have "come to terms" with us going away, all is calm, probably won't be able to update until this evening so a very happy Christmas to one and all. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hope all stays calm and civilised, sitandnatter

After a couple of weeks of pure dread, complaints, fear, one hell of a stress filled run up he's just had what is probably his best Christmas ever, even the puppy behaved!!!!

Natter is a very happy camper, we did pay for Christmas in the run up but I think he'd used up all of his anxieties, whatever it was it actually worked, he's home and he's happy and he's enjoyed the day! Now that's a close to a miracle as I'll ever see.

yippeee!!!!!

Thanks Amber just when you think he can't surprise you, he surprises you.

Brilliantly though this time.

This has nothing to do with anything at all but we are watching Harry Potter and he is saying the words as the actors do, he's been doing this for years, he can remember all of the actors lines and does a kind of voice over thing with the Harry Potter films.

Yup, many aspies do. Perfect recall: My brain has perfect recall, but in the wrong order and in the wrong timescale

He does it to perfection with Harry Potter, it's quite amazing to watch. The current one we were watching he hasn't seen for two years and if he says he hasn't seen it for two years then my NT brain isn't going to be daft enough to argue with him.

My DS is the same - can repeat the lines from anything he's seen a couple of times. Fantastic skill for drama, so he's planning to use it for a career.

sounds like you did a lot of groundwork to make the day as good as it was sitandnatter glad it went as well for you

Thanks Santa I was convinced Xmas Eve nothing was working he was getting worse, I was amazed and have told him several times how proud I am of him. It shouldn't be such a big deal to get a child/teen to have a good time at Christmas but it's the same for lots of us who have children with ASD. It's nice to know that others understand it too.