Should I worry about my DS?

[BumptiousandBustly]

DS is 3.9 - he had a significant delay in interacting/playing with other children - Which was commented on from 2 onwards (by nursery/pre-school etc) - though recently he as actually started to interact with other children and play with them, which I am really pleased about.

He does pretend play - a lot - though he does always have to make it very clear that its pretend.

He is very clear on the rules - e.g. we told him that we don't say "I don't care" - and he makes me not sing that line in a song we do together because "we don't say that, do we mummy"

He can get very upset if people don't follow the rules. (which is not to say he always does what he is told, but once he accepts something as a rule he ALWAYS notices when anyone breaks it, and doesn't like it) - so for example in "go diego, go" he will not (Cannot - as in gets really upset and has to leave the room) watch any episodes with Swiper in them - because swiper is naughty and steals things. - This is a pattern that is repeated with other programs/books etc.

He is unbelievably verbal - several years ahead and good with puzzles, jigsaws etc as well as a very good memory.

He is not terribly physical at all - i.e. he has only JUST started being prepared to try and climb things in soft play.

I am just wondering if we should be worrying about him? (He has an uncle who has aspergers) - or if this is all perfectly normal?

skidd - I think she realized it wasn't the best response - and this morning I got a very different attitude from her - maybe my expression when she said it made her realize it wasn't quite the right thing to say!!!

Some times it feels like DS winges about everything. Going to pre-school, the instant I pick him up from pre-school, getting him to actually do anything can be a real battle (though not if its something he really wants to do).

The thing is that the tantrums etc seem to be getting worse not better and have been gradually for a while - previously I thought this was just me handling him badly or normal three year old behavior - but now I am wondering if its connected. I have tried time outs and the naughty step and taking away privileges etc, but nothing seems to work. - any suggestions for how I might handle them better?

BandB - this is exactly what's been happening with me as well. Somebody with a lot more knowledgeable than me will probably give better advice but from what I have been reading, things like time out/punishments often don't work with children on the spectrum because a) they don't care about having time out; b) they don't have that strong desire to please you/not disappoint you than NT children have, and c) they don't respond well to being thwarted.

I think lots of people have found bribery rewards a good way of encouraging good behaviour - if he does something you ask him to, no matter how trivial, immediately give him something you know he likes (sweets/10 mins eatching telly etc - I know I know, i would NEVER do this with my NT DC!) - the reward needs to be immediate and easy to get at the beginning and you can gradually make him work harder and harder for it. If he can manage it, you could also try a reward chart.

Another thing I have just done (yesterday!) is make a 'visual timetable' so he has his morning, after school and evening routine in pictures. I am going to laminate them and put them up so he can see what he has to do, hopefully reducing tantrums. I showed him the pictures yesterday and he really liked them so fingers crossed it will make a difference.

A friend of mine who does autism research also suggested a few small pictures on a keyring that he can carry round with him so that when he gets very upset/angry and can;t communicate his needs verbally, he can show a picture - not sure exactly what these pictures would be (maybe happy/sad/angry faces?) and I think this is often used with less verbal/able children but worth thinking about...

Will link to that helpful thread I mentioned yesterday - it has loads of good advice

here it is

Thanks skidds - very interesting to read. It really helped to see that others are having similar issues - especially around pre-school saying that you have the "perfect child!"

DS1 also tends to get very upset about something - anything - when I pick him up - yesterday it was that his little brother had picked up his lunch box - which I can now see is a way of letting out some of the stress.

He is also starting to get upset when we leave the house - as its changing what he was already doing. We do warn him, but its starting to not help - I saw a link to a timer on the other thread, think we will def get one of those.

I just want to cry today - it is really hitting me that this is real, is a huge thing, is going to affect all of us - including DS2 who so far seems NT (he is nearly two, so probably too early to tell).

Things like the bribery - how do you explain to a two year old that his brother gets bribery and he doesn't?

And poor DS1 - oh my!

BandB - me too - I still don't believe deep down that he has AS and that I am just imagining it - my coping mechanism I suppose. My DH is even more in denial and think he has social anxiety which he does but that doesn;t explain so many of his other behaviours. We have had a couple of conversations about his longterm future but I find it so upsetting that I can't even go there at the moment and of course he may not turn out not to be on the spectrum - that is still a possibility for your DS and mine

Timer sounds like a great idea - I will look into that too.

Re: explaining to siblings, I have been looking into this too recently - there is a section on the NAS website about how to tell siblings and explain to them why their sibling doesn't get told off for things that they do. There are also lots of good books (I've been told, don't have any) but it seems wierd/wrong to say it when we don't even know if they are on the spectrum. I have had a few chats with my DD (6) about how we are taking DS1 to see a doctor because his brain might work differently to other people's which means he finds some things more difficult than other children, and also some things easier. I certainly haven't used the word autism and tbh she isn't that interested but is perhaps more patient now when he has his nightly post-bath meltdowns. I haven't said anything to my DS2 but he isn't even 2 yet. Does your younger DS have good language? If so it might be worth saying something but at that age I don't think he'll really notice you treating him differently. Maybe someone wiith more experience will have more advice on this.

Huge sympathies - it is really hard. Do you have supportive family and friends who believe/ agree with you?

Skidd - I keep going between - oh my god its real, to he hasn't got it, I am imagining it (or being a bad parent who just can't handle her kids) - and then I go to - he has got it but they will refuse to diagnose him - so we will have the worst of both worlds!

DS2 - is not very verbal - and I don't think would understand anything at this stage - i am just seeing problems in the future!

We have not told any family at this stage - as we are really expecting them to say - stuff and nonsense - he's fine - etc. But have various supportive friends - who are being very good at listening/hand holding etc.

Its true - they may turn out not to be on the spectrum - I don't know - i guess I am just worrying about everything at the moment and feel like if ASD doesn't explain his behavior then the only explanation is that I am just failing to handle him properly!

Skidd - I hope you and your DH get the answers you need sooner rather than later - at least if you do get a DX - then you know what is happening and can go on from there. I also am trying not to think about the long term future at the moment, in fact I am trying not to think about a lot of things - just function in the moment!