Feeling very sad, just need a shoulder to cry on...

[OliNIvy]

My mum and her partner of 20+ yrs (lets call him X) are probably going to split up over the fact that X refuses to believe that my 6 yr old is Autistic (thinks he is just naughty / me and DH are too permissive etc etc).

X has banned my 6 yr old from their house (actually his house that my mum lives in) when his grandchildren are there - my DS is a danger to his grandkids, apparently .

My mum has had dozens of heart to hearts, discussions, arguments, tears with X over the months which have amounted to nothing. He will not be moved on it and, sadly, his family (who had become my family, too, over the years) are siding with him (unbelievable).

I am devastated, to be honest. It has now come to a head over Christmas arrangements and my mum is in absolute bits about it all and I think she is going to leave him.

This may sound garbled and is only a tiny bit of a long and sad story.

Just feel gutted for my mum, my DS, our lives.

How can a grown man show so little compassion ad understanding for a child? And so little care for my lovely mum, who is heartbroken and has been put in an awful position.

That's horrible and I'm sorry your mum has been out in such a position. Maybe she is right to leave him as he's showing what a heartless, stubborn, selfish man he actually is.

TBH, I think your mum is right to leave him. It's just a shame he's out you all though that just from his, and aparently his familys ignorance too.

Good riddance to bad rubbish and you know your mum will always stick up for you and yours now.

Oh Oli, That sounds just so awful and distressing for you all and my heart goes out to you. What I would say though situations like this do often arise at Christmas time everyone is under so much pressure to have the absolutely perfect Christmas and everyone's opinions always differ on what that looks like.
Why don't you have a lovely Christmas to yourselves snug and cosy with just you, your DH and your DS. You would not feel comfortable round at your Mum's house if this is how her partner is going to treat you.

*brought you all through that...

Thanks so much for your replies. Just needed to get it out, as have been bottling it up and only discussing with my mum today (Dh is away until tomorrow).\

To be honest (and I hope this doesnt sound like an immature 'step-kid' type of thing to say), me and my mum's partner have never really seen eye to eye. I dont particularly like him and I think he feels the same about me and my siblings, but we have mostly managed to keep it civil and cheerful for my mum's sake. My mum is a lovely person - I know I am biased, but she really is the type who would do anything for anyone and is so loving and kind. I cannot believe that she is now ending up in this awful situation where she feels she has to choose between her grandson (who is the apple of her eye) and her partner.

Gutted.

Do tell your Mum what an amazing person she is to stand so strong in support of her flesh and blood.

I hope her actually packing her bags and leaving a book or 2 on autism together with her "dear john" note will be enough to make her partner see sense. Hopefully you and your siblings will rally round her to support her this Xmas and in the cold light of the New year her partner will see what an utter cruel a46sehole he has been, come to his senses and BEG for her forgiveness. He sounds a nasty peice of work.

Can you have Granny at yours this year and together with your siblings make it her best ever?

:( what a sad situation for you.

To be honest and from an outsiders view Mr X cant think a lot of a partner of 20 odd years if it is still HIS house. Also I find it very cruel to expect her to choose to cut off her own grandchild at christmas on behalf of his ignorance of autism.

Shes better off without him but I expect this must be hurting her a lot :(

Have a good christmas together and see the new year through with a new and happy start for all of you xxxx

oh dear,thats such a sad story,im sorry to hear this,some people are just ignorant! and just dont understand:(
my family didnt understand my ds,so i bought a little booklet on what his dx was,and that helped them understand,would that help i wonder?
sorry to hear this is going on for you over the xmas hols,
lots of hugs to you,xxxxxxx

Is X otherwise a kind person to your mum? Sometimes some men can be possessive of their partners and see their first family as a threat, hence his feelings about you and greater acceptance of his other grandchildren. If your mum is otherwise happy with him could they just find a way to agree to disagree? I am saying this from the pov of your mums future, where she will live, money etc. If she is not married to X and the house is in his name and they (presumably) have no children, she is legally in a rubbish position as she will have no claim on his house, savings, pension etc. There is no such thing as a common law wife btw.

Obviously she should leave if he is as nasty and predjudiced as he sounds but you all need to look at the bigger picture.

If she is otherwise happy with him I would get them married and give her some legal rights!

He isnt nice to her, no. He is very smooth and charming in front of people, but I have seen the texts he sends her and how she jumps when her phone rings and its him. He is actually quite abusive. He was terrible to my sister when she had depression and has done some very vindictive things over the years - too many to go into, really.

Also, I have suspected for months that he is having an affair, as he travels all the time and when he is in the country, he is never in the house. He spends a lot of time when he is in on his computer. I just find his attitude very weird and suspect. I havent said this to my mum, though, as it feels wrong to meddle in her relationship. She is a very intelligent woman, had a successful career before she retired, has many gret friends and a good independent social life. It is sad that she is now in this pathetic position, really.

She has some savings (about £75k) and a very good pension, but not enough to buy anywhere in London herself. DH and I have recently come into some money, though, so if she decided she really did want to leave, we would try to help her buy somewhere. I want it to be her decision, though. I feel dreadful that his attitude to my child has been the final nail in the coffin. Just feels so sad.

I am trying to draw a line under it from my point of view (and DH's and the kids) over Christmas, as we have had a hard year and need to relax. My mum is coming to me tonight until Boxing Day, anyway, as X doesnt really celebrate Christmas (long story).

Fingers crossed this has a happy ending for my mum

Poor you and your poor mum
He sounds like an arse and maybe for her it's the last straw amongst alot of trouble.

I hope she gets out in view of what you say and she is lucky to have a lovely supportive daughter in you

Sometimes the nicest most loving people are just so busy doing what is best for other people they dont see whats best for themselves.

Agree with lisa. he is an arse

75K would get a her a slot in many shared ownership sheltered developments for senior citizens in se or e london. Think of it as housing associiation owning 50% of her home instead of the usual husband and she wouldn't have to get a mortgage as she could use her savngs to pay her share. You usually have to be over 55 to qualify, but a on or 2 bed flat of her own and the company of her peers after the breakdown of a 20 year relationship seems OK.

Or you can buy a home outright in a pretty part of s. wales for £75k, and ideal location for her grandkids to spend their summer hols.

A bit research and imaginative thinking after Xmas and I bet she'll find she does have a few decent options for life post ex. Nothing can protect her from the emotional turmoil though.

I'm so sorry for all of you but have to say your Mum is one very strong, kind-hearted brave lady. Her partner doesn't deserve her!