Have any of the parents of children with special needs here ended up suffering from depression?

[roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts]

My ds has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It also looks likely that he will be diagnosed with ADHD.

This in itself is bad enough to deal with but his problems are slowly and painfully isolating us socially.

We live in a small village and everytime ds upsets a child, their parents become more distant from us. Some try very hard not to let it affect our relationship but inevitably it does.

I also find myself increasingly exhausted by social contact and less and less keen to socialise.

When I do socialise I find I am not myself and have been quite embarrassed by the way I behave (either too quiet or too brash - neither of which is my normal behaviour).

By the end of most social events, once I am in the privacy of my own home, I just want to cry.

I know that dh is struggling too. His social life is not as deeply affected but his ability to function at work is, his sleep is and his enthusiasm is.

I don't know if we are just exhausted by the whole process and experience or if we are now suffering from depression ourselves.

Is this common? How do parents in similar situations cope?

I dont know what to say or wether its depression building up. More perhaps coming to terms with adjustment of life to cater for your DS. Which is very hard to get used to x

Personally I socialise very little anyway as I was fed up with people doing the sons and daughters talk and then asking how yours were or going quiet as they know full well all is not well and so I give it a miss. That and the fact I live in a small town and everyone knows everybodies business and they dont like it as no one knows anything about me. I think the last time I went out as in out to a doo officially was 3 years ago. It doesnt bother me though as I am not the biggest lover of going out and not into crowds myself, and DH is by best friend lol :)

I go out with the kids instead on walks or I go off by myself and sometimes go fishing, when they are in school. I do visit family as it is a safe circle with no hassle. I guess I have got used to my own space and company :)

Contact your local CAMHS, MIND, Autism Support Services or absolutely any agency who help children who have mental health issues even if your chlid doesn't slot into the right one.

Find out where there are social activities, if of course there are any, for children with mental health issues. Godsend for us. I met parents who had children with similar issues to mine, found an outlet where we were just a part of the crowd.

I also ended up volunteering for a child's mental health charity who helped my son as a thank you but the unintended benefit was that I had access to children's mental health specialists although only counsellors who were a wealth of information, talked to other parents and opened up a whole new network of contacts who understood my son and I.

Of course I get down sometimes, we all do but if you can find a way to reach out to other people who are in the same boat, it really does help.

Your post could have been written by me.

Not sure where you live but if you were in my village I would think you were sent from heaven to save my sanity and we'd be in the local sobbing and laughing over a few bottles of whatever takes your fancy.

I got out with people and spend alot of time biting my tongue, half of the time wishing the ground would open up and swallow me and then sob back at home.

I keep going out but it doesn't get any easier - so I guess it would make more sense not to put myself in such sitations - but I never learn.

I think its a combination of stress, anger, depression, confusion, exhaustion, isolation, loneliness, bitterness, tiredness, hormones etc etc so yes I too am probably on the road to being depressed.

So no solutions here I'm afraid - other than to say you're not alone, what you are going through all seems perfectly normal when everything around you isn't. Its hard work, few people ever truly understand what your going through, but I know I have to be strong for my kids and I know that I will find a way to deal with it for their sakes.

hang on in there ((((((hugs))))))

sitandnatter thank you so much. I am in tears just reading your post. I think this is exactly what I need. I need to take him to socialise with other dcs like him and parents who won't bat an eyelid or will empathise when things don't go so well, rather than try to politely pull their own dcs a little closer, away from us.

I looked around the waiting room the last time we saw the clinical psychologists and didn't see anything like this but it clearly does exist so I will ask the psychologists directly next time.

I can't fool myself any longer that I am way along the road to being very depressed.

I hate the quizzical looks from people, at me, regarding my son ( 7yrs AS & speech disorder). I hate so many things. Daily struggles & battles.

Very isolated though in a big city, seem to endlessly try & make things better but things never get better.

Lone parent, not been out socially myself in years, private rented flat appears to be going to be repossessed & if it is we will be evicted. Council homeless application, great.

DLA renewal forms to do, can't seem to get round to doing them, yet. Wonder if there is any point.

Oh dear, it's just dreadful at the moment.

Maybe writing this will be cathartic?

Am a right misery!

About 4 years ago I started a similar thread, asking about how I would know when the understandable stress of getting my head round my child's SN tipped over into depression, it is common to find this situation very stressful and painful, and it does affect socialising, especially with other parents, as you are so conscious of your child appearing different. In terms of coping - it helps to talk to parents going through similar, even if it's mainly online. But with a bit of care and train/car journeys online friendships can turn into RL ones. My monthly bookgroup was a surprising lifeline through all this - most of the other women weren't parents, so it was such a relief not to have everyone else's perfect kids shoved down my throat, however well meaning and justified people are to be proud of their kids.

Passenger there is a lot of the shoving of lovely perfect dcs at the moment which definitely isn't helping and I feel horrid for it.

It is hard to watch them sing confidently and angelically in the school nativity and hear all the praise for them, knowing it has taken your ds ten times more courage to walk round the audience when requested, but no one notices, praises etc (except the class teacher who knows what a leap it was for them)

As it happens, I am in a book group, and love it. However, recently I have been worried about my repsonses at the group (was I too opinionated, was I too loud, was I too quiet, did I speak too much, are they talking about how I am not as posh as them, do they wish I would leave? etc.) The group is with the parents of my dcs peers though so I feel uncomfortable all round with them just now.

Sounds like your confidence has taken a knock from all the SN stuff going on . I suppose I cope by compartmentalizing - that my "grown up" life - work/book group/hobbies usually doesn't involve anything other than superficial discussion of children, let alone SN stuff.

DH is on ADs. We took a number of emotional and financial hits over the past two years as well as a lot of upheaval in general, and then we found out the extent of DS2's SNs, and DH is simply unable to accept it or cope with it. It has been a real struggle, which in turn has isolated me even further.

I've met up with a few people locally here and there, which has helped. The biggest single thing that has pulled me out of it was meeting a small group of women (at school run, go figure!) who all live within walking distance of me. They have made no judgements about DS2, are quite happy to come to my defence when someone makes a snotty comment when we're out in public with DS2, and most importantly, they treat me like a normal person. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but they keep me grounded. We regularly meet up, with or without our children, and it keeps me going out of the house, even if it's just down the street for a coffee. And that, as ridiculously simple as it sounds, is so very important. Otherwise, I would slowly stop going anywhere and completely shut myself off.

I think it's really important to keep pushing yourself to get out of the house and try to do some regular things - meet other people for coffee or book club or something. You never know when you'll find friends that can really make the difference for you. These women have literally saved my sanity.

Familiar with that feeling of being isolated, there is a report here which gives a bit of insight www.cafamily.org.uk/index.php?module=newsmodule&action=view&id=742&src=@random4864ff40710ee

Leonie - DH is on ADs and he's STILL a miserable sod lately. I think it's just a male thing.

I'm finding it particularly difficult too at the moment
Think it's because dd2 started MS school in September & it has just highlighted all the differences,although school are fantastic.No-one wants to chat in the school yard as I feel they are looking at me & thinking 'theres the Mum of that odd little girl',but that might just be me
I am currently battling to get some hint of a diagnosis,as no proffs seem to know whats wrong & don't want to 'label' her.
I'm waiting on results of an MRI,as I have worrying & annoying tinnitus in one ear & was made redundant from a much-loved job too this year,which has really knocked me sideways,as it was my escape.
So I can totally understand why some of us feel down sometimes most of the time.
I find chatting on a support forum for parents with children with similar symptoms helpful & I just tend to stick to friends who understand our troubles,am down to about 4 now

I am sorry that so many of us are in the same boat but it does make me realise that there must be other mums out there who need me just as much as I need them.

I have made plans to have coffee with a couple of friends in a few days. I have also made plans to go to the school church service with a friend. I think I will have to keep pushing myself out there and try hard to ignore the ignorant people who make life so hard.

Thank you everyone. Keep posting the techniques which keep you putting one foot out in front of the other please.

yanny that link is very interesting. I have emailed it to dh too. Thank you.

Have you thought about therapy / counselling? I am on ADs and going to couple therapy with DH. I know it can be expensive but it can be such a good place to talk about exactly what you are thinking / feeling. It may also help to prevent you going into depression.

monkey that may be something that we do. We spend so much time talking things through with psychologists just now for ds that the thought is a bit overwhelming just now but I can see that in time it would be helpful.

The idea of meeting other families going through the same sounds hopeful. It would be great to socialise with my ds and not be on edge the whole time wondering what he will do next. It would be good for dd to meet siblings of troubled kids too. It is hard on her as well.

Dh thinks we should both see our GP for advice on our own emotional well being. I think it is maybe a particularly difficult time of year and maybe things will seem a little less harsh after the festivities so I am inclined to give it a few weeks. He may be right though.

Both my DH and I have struggled with our own emotional wellbeing and dealing with our 2 DS's who each have problems. We were guided recently to a website and book by a psychologist - www.getsomeheadspace.com . We are in the very early stages of using the tools it provides. It may not be for you but if, like us, you would consider giving anything a go I would recommend it.

This is part of the genetic links which exist, and by which we all share some of the issues our children may have, and their diagnosis and experiences can only serve to remind us of the similar issues we may have experienced when we were younger and have since found ways of concealing our differences prior to our children bringing back the memories, and the stress can cause our working memories not to be able to run the coping strategies we need to socialise.
We have been linke this, and for me it was made worse by years of disability discrimination in the work place when my APD disability was not accommodated by my employer. This has now caused me to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress, which is triggered when others deny the existence of my disability, or purposefully ignore my or our childrens communication accommodation needs

I've been there too - DS2 has ASD and as you say, it seems especially hard at this time of year when "perfect" children seem to appear everywhere: at school nativities, carol concerts, every bloomin' advert on TV!! Not to mention the stress of trying to have a nice Xmas when you know there are bound to be ASD tantrums, panics and obsessions to deal with! In the end I went to my GP and got Anti-Ds, and had some brilliant sessions with the practice psychiatric nurse who provided a space to just let it all out and have a good cry when I needed to. It was scary as I never thought I'd be the sort of person who ends up on anti-D's but it was better than hitting the every night . I was having a lot to deal with at the time as my mum was also ill and I took them for about 6 months but it definitely helped me get over a really hard time. I also found a brilliant local group which has really helped. As has coming on here and seeing I'm not alone

Dolfrog - I can relate to your post, both my DH and I at the very least have ASD traits, and quite possibly would have got an AS dx had we grown up in this decade. I am sorry to hear how much you have suffered, and have PTSD.

roast - my number one tip for coping, is to consciously make space in your day not to think about SN/children/school worries etc, it is too easy to lose your identity as an SN parent, you need some recreational time too.

dolfrog that is really interesting as this is what has happened to dh. He has virtually all the traits that ds has and had a hard time growing up. In those days he just got into trouble, and more trouble and battered at home for getting into trouble etc. He is finding it very hard to watch ds and know how he sees the world and what is going on in his brain.

My ddad also exhibits all the traits and I suspect that this is why I don't see him as that tricky. I am used to my ddad and my dh and he is so similar that it doesn't bother me too much.

The fact that my ddad and dh have both been highly successful academically and professionally also gives me hope.

It is dealing with the rest of the world's reaction and intolerance that I find so hard and the slow drift into loneliness, partly because of others and partly because it is so hard to watch that I am cutting myself off to protect myself.

I just seem to have lost all the confidence I worked so hard to build up.

What would be the easiest thing in the world to do with my dd is complete torture with my ds as even if he doesn't behave in an unusual way, I am worried that he will and can not relax.

Passenger your comments also make a lot of sense to me. I was losing myself as a parent anyway but will clearly have to work twice as hard to maintain my identity now.

I am sorry so many others are in similar situations but at least we can all support each other through our ups and downs.

Thanks everyone.

roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts

The way our family now see things, it is now normal to have various degrees of Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) in our house, and it is the outside world which is not normal from our perspective.
We are all different, and those who claim to be normal in the outside world are better at hiding their differences than we are.
And strange as it may sound, it was probably why my DW and I got together and have been together now for over 30 years. At the time we meet knew nothing about APD, but we understood one another lol.